Hurt
by Jennifoofighter
Summary: As Martin tries to rebuild his life in the wake of his addiction, a case from the past pulls him back into the Missing Persons Unit. Martin angst. MS. Casefile.
1. Teaser

TITLE: Hurt  
AUTHOR: Jennifoofighter  
RATING: R  
KEYWORDS: Martin angst, Martin and Sam POV, case file and some MS (of course).  
SPOILERS/TIMELINE: This is set post episode 4x18: "The Road Home." Knowledge of episodes 1x5: "Suspect", 1x21: "Are You Now or Have Your Ever Been?" and 2x5: "Copy Cat" would be helpful but not completely necessary.  
ARCHIVE: Also archived at DestinedTo.  
DISCLAIMER: Hank and Co. own everything _Without a Trace_. No copyright infringement is intended…..blah, blah, blah. Believe me, if I owned them things would be verydifferent.  
PLEASE NOTE: I will be posting whenever I can. I only mention this because I know some people grew accustomed to my daily updates and well, I'm just too busy to do that anymore. I will do my best to not keep any readers hanging too long and when I do post I'll try to make it nice and long.  
SPECIAL NOTE: I'm trying to incorporate two story ideas into one so please bear with me. I'm also trying to not pull a Jenn and drag a story on and on and on…..and on.  
SUMMARY: As Martin tries to rebuild his life in the wake of his addiction, a case from the past pulls him back into the Missing Persons Unit.

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_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything_

_Nine Inch Nails, 'Hurt'_

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Teaser

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Martin stared at the gun barrel glittering against the flashing police lights outside the hotel room window. He took a breath to try and steady his nerves. The air reeked with the acrid stench of stale air, sweat, and blood causing bile to rise in the back of his throat. He swallowed it back down; the last thing he needed right now was to vomit. He could feel thick beads of sweat slide down his back causing his shirt to stick to his skin. He wasn't sure if he was sweating because of the hot air blowing out of the broken air conditioner to his right, the throbbing pain in his side or the incredible craving he was having for an OxyContin or Vicodin.

Of course, the cause was most likely from seeing Andy Deaver holding a revolver to his chin threatening to kill himself.

He focused his gaze on Andy who was crouched in the small space between the nightstand and the wall looking very much like a scared little boy. His face was pale against the dried blood along his temple and Martin could see beads of sweat on his face too. Andy rocked back and forth nervously, his gaze shifting from the window and the activity outside and then back to Martin a few feet away.

Martin licked his lips trying to think of what he could say to help convince Andy to put the gun down and walk out of the room, reasons he could give him to live. But there was a nagging voice in his head that kept reminding him that his past two attempts at talking someone down during a crisis both resulted in tragedy. Images of Anwar Samir and Brian Stone flashed in his mind. He didn't want to fail again. He couldn't fail – not this time. His life depended on it as much as Andy's.

He cleared his throat and softly said, "Andy, we know what happened wasn't your fault. You don't have to do this."

Andy stared back at him through wire framed glasses, his eyes looking infinitely sad and lost. "You know what happened? You know everything?"

Martin nodded his head slowly and whispered, "Yes."

Andy watched him for a beat, trying to determine just how much he knew. Martin could see the fear and shame in Andy's eyes before the young man turned his focus down to the hotel's dirty worn shag carpet. He bit his lip so hard it broke the skin and a small drop of blood dotted his chapped lips. Tears started streaming down his cheeks and he hunched his shaking shoulders as he wept.

Martin crept slowly towards him, he wanted to comfort him, reassure him that everything would be alright but Andy noticed and immediately panicked. He pointed the gun at him and shouted, "Stay back! Don't come near me!"

Martin froze; simultaneously surprised and relieved that Andy would turn the gun on him and away from himself. He mentally chastised himself; he should have known that Andy would not want another man to touch him. He nodded his head and slumped back against the wall. "I just want to help you Andy."

The frightened young man shook his head vehemently and in a small frightened voice said, "No one can help me. It's too late."

Martin wanted to tell Andy that he knew what he was feeling. He knew what it was like when all you can feel is pain, ache, and hurt. To feel like no matter how hard you try bad things just seem to continue to happen and you desperately want someone to help pull you up from the abyss, to have them understand what you are going through but no one does. And you get angry at them for not noticing, not caring; but the hard truth is no one is able to help you because as much as you wanted it you also pretended that everything was fine; that you were fine. He knew this because it was exactly how he had been feeling and acting since the shooting. No, that wasn't true. It actually all began when things had disintegrated so badly with Sam.

Things that make you hurt don't always come from wounds you can see.

Martin looked back at Andy and gently replied, "It's not too late. Let me…."

"You can't," Andy said as he pushed the gun back under his chin, the metal digging into his skin. With a trembling finger on the trigger he cried, "I'm just tired of hurting…."

"No!"


	2. Chapter 1

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Part I

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_Two months earlier…_

"I need food." Martin mumbled to himself as he stood in front of his bare refrigerator that seemed impossibly bright white. While the shelves on the door were stocked with condiments, the racks were virtually empty save for a few takeout boxes. He released a heavy sigh at yet another reminder of his addiction; after the shooting he could barely eat – it hurt to have food go through his still healing intestine. And then when he was knocked down the stairs reawaking the slowly healing injury as well as creating a new one he slowly became dependent on his meds to help him through the pain and they did. He was never hungry as long as he had painkillers to feed him. But then after awhile they were the only thing he craved and whenever he ran out and had to go through detox the last thing he wanted to do was eat since all it seemed to do was make an unpleasant return trip.

He stared into his fridge and starting composing a mental list of what groceries to buy as a memory of Sam drifted into his mind. She used to make fun of his refrigerator telling him it was like its own mini-mart since it was almost always fully stocked with just about any kind of food you could possibly want. Any time she stayed over she would try and make an oddball request for something to eat and he usually would have it; if not in his refrigerator then somewhere else in his kitchen.

_Sam sat on the counter wearing his salmon colored button up shirt looking absolutely sexy; her legs dangling loosely as she watched him move around his kitchen. Clad only in his boxers and a t-shirt he moved towards the refrigerator and asked, "Alright, what'll you have?"_

_She grinned as she considered what concoction she could come up with that might stump him, "Um, a turkey sandwich with Dijon mustard, romaine lettuce, Roma tomato, provolone cheese, cracked wheat bread, and… roasted bell peppers." _

_Martin just smiled and pulled out each of the ingredients one by one before holding up two jars and asking, "Would the lady care for red or yellow peppers?" _

"_Red." She laughed and added, "Damn, I thought I had you on that one."_

"_Oh ye of little faith," He cheerily replied as he constructed their sandwiches. He finished assembling it, licked some of the Dijon mustard off his finger and handed Sam her plate. _

"_Thanks." _

"_You're welcome," He replied as he leaned against the counter next to Sam and took a bite of his own sandwich. They ate their food in a comfortable silence. Enjoying this late night moment of domesticity he decided it would be a good time to ask her something that had been on his mind since he got the invitation. He turned his head and looked at her. Her long blonde hair was tucked behind her ears and she watched him with a big brown eyes. Sometimes he couldn't believe that how beautiful she was and more unbelievably that she was here with him like this. "What are you doing on June 10th?" _

_Sam paused mid-chew and replied, "I don't know, it's a month away. Why?" _

"_My cousin, Randy, is getting married and I thought that we could go together." He said as he held up his sandwich, preparing to take another bite. _

_Sam lowered her eyes and swallowed. "Oh, well, I don't know. I'm not really into weddings, having to dance the bunny hop…."_

"_Sam," Martin began as he walked across the room and put his plate on the opposite counter. He folded his arms across his chest and turned to face her. In a voice full of irritation he said, "Why don't you just say what you really mean?"_

_Sam looked up at him with defensive eyes and asked, "What don't you tell me?" _

"_We've been dating for almost a year, everyone at work knows and you still insist on treating our relationship like something that should be hidden, like you are ashamed of us." He could see Sam gearing up for yet another argument so he decided to try a different tactic, "I care about you Sam. You are an important part of my life and I just want to include you in all of it. I want my family to know you." _

"_Martin, I just don't think I'm ready for that level." Sam replied as she put her plate down next to her. "I mean, the idea of having your dad know is scary. I'm an agent and he is the Deputy Director."_

"_I know, believe me, I know but I can't help what my dad does." Martin retorted. "And he isn't the only member of my family. There's also my mom, my cousins…"_

"_Exactly, that's a lot of family." Sam folded her arms, mimicking his posture. "I'm not saying no I just want a little time to think about it."_

_He shook his head and laughing mirthlessly said, "You know what, our relationship is just like the bunny hop. Every time I want to go forward you jump two steps back." _

_Sam sighed and began, "Martin, I'm just asking for some time."_

"_Fine, go ahead and think about it." He replied tightly, too tired to argue or maybe just too fed up. He started towards the kitchen door saying, "You know where I stand. Let me know when you figure out what you want." _

Martin slammed the refrigerator door shut and grabbed his keys off of the counter. If he was really committed to kicking his habit and making positive changes in his life the very least he could start with is food. Food was easy. It had always made him happy in the past and he was sure if he could get his appetite back then everything else might fall into place. He stepped out of his apartment, closed the door and started locking the deadbolt. He heard a door open down the hall and looked over to see his neighbor Conrad Heims' head peeking out.

"Hi Conrad," Martin greeted.

"Hello Martin, I thought you might be Jerry." Conrad replied. He was aged man in his late sixties and while he was balding, had age spots and wore thick coke bottle glasses his face was kind and welcoming.

"Nope, sorry," Martin answered bemused at being mistaken for the portly doorman.

Conrad nodded his head and asked, "Are you heading out?"

"Yeah, just going to the bodega on the corner," He replied as he pulled the key out of the deadbolt. He used to be on friendly terms with the elderly man and wanting to get back to the Martin he was before he asked, "Can I get you anything?"

"Are you sure?" Conrad replied cracking his door open further. "It won't be too much of a bother?"

Martin moved down the hall towards Conrad and shaking his head said, "Not at all. What do you need?"

"Can you pick up my prescription at the pharmacy next to the store? I already called it in." Conrad asked with a look of relief on his face. "I asked for it to be delivered tonight but they can't get it to me until morning. I thought I could bribe Jerry to go fetch it for me. I don't really need it at this moment but I'm leaving for a trip early in the morning and it would be one less thing to worry about."

Martin cringed, a sinking feeling in his belly. His hand grew clammy and he repeated, "A prescription?"

"For my arthritis," Conrad calmly explained as he rubbed his swollen knuckles.

"Oh," Martin mumbled. It was just for his arthritis; nothing that would tempt him. Although he really did not want to go to the drug store and see the pharmacist, Richard. Ever since he tried to have Richard give him an extra bottle of OxyContin knowing full well that he had already taken his prescribed three refills he tried to avoid seeing him as much as possible. However, he also knew that he had to face him eventually, he couldn't hide forever. So swallowing the anxious feeling inside his gut, he smiled at Conrad and replied, "Sure. I could pick it up for you."


	3. Chapter 2

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Chapter 2

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The bell above the doorway to the pharmacy dinged, announcing Martin's arrival. His pulse quickened at the eerily familiar sense of déjà vu from his last visit. He walked down the aisle with cold medicine, cotton balls and hair products and looked over at the pedestal area behind the glass enclosure where the pharmacist worked. Instead of Richard's lanky frame there was a short Hispanic man in a white lab coat. He breathed a sigh of relief at not having to face one of the darker moments of his addiction and happily walked up to the counter.

The pharmacist spotted him and walked up to the register where Martin stood and smiled, "Good evening, what can I do for you?"

"I'm here to pick up a prescription for Conrad Heims." Martin replied casually glancing at the man's nametag that read, Carlos Ortiz. "He said he already called it in."

"Heims?" Carlos asked and Martin nodded his head. "I'll be right back."

Martin waited as Carlos searched through several white bags in a bin on top of the back counter. He couldn't help but recall the excited anticipation he felt when he used to come here to pick up his refill of painkillers. It was a mixed feeling of excitement, anxiousness, and self disgust. But as soon as he got those pills in hand the only thing he cared about was having his fix; to be able to get rid of all his pain.

"Here it is." Carlos announced as he pulled out a bag and walked back over. "Okay, so I just need you to sign for it." He grabbed a clipboard and slid it towards Martin.

"Sign for it?" Martin asked with trepidation.

"Yeah, it's Vicodin. It's classified as a controlled substance." Carlos started to explain although Martin was already fully trained in this pharmaceutical transaction. "There have been a lot of reports of abuse so we now require signatures…."

"Yeah, I know." He picked up the pen to sign when his heart began to race and his palms started to sweat. A dark familiar craving began to form causing his entire body to fill with a disturbing desire. Despite himself, he started to think about how he could sneak a few pills out of the bottle and Conrad would probably never even notice. It would be so easy to do. _Just a couple of pills, _he thought. A rush of adrenaline coursed through him as he grew excited by the thought of pilfering a few of the pills. He remembered the taste of the drug, the thought tantalizing his body as it recalled the feeling of it moving through his blood stream. But as quickly as the idea occurred the feeling of self loathing re-emerged. He thought he had been making so much progress in Narcotics Anonymous only to have the first real temptation shake his foundations. He dropped the pen from his hand and pushed the clipboard away. "I'm sorry. I just realized I can't…..I gotta go…..just hold on to it. He'll pick it up."

Carlos eyed him warily and asked, "Are you sure?"

Martin hesitated. He wanted to believe he was stronger than this but the lure of the drug was stronger. He knew there was no way he could trust himself right now. He nodded quickly and replied, "Yes. I'm sure."

He stared at the white bag in the pharmacists hand for a beat before stepping back and hurrying towards the exit. He had to get out of the drug store. He could feel Carlos' eyes on him as he walked away and he wondered if he was going to mention this incident to Richard, quickly deciding that was the least of his worries. Right now he had a sudden desperate feeling that he didn't want to be alone.

He exited the shop and hit the sidewalk outside. The night was hot and balmy; an unusually warm day for springtime in New York. He took a deep breath, reached into his breast pocket and pulled out his cell phone. With shaky fingers he dialed for his sponsor Gavin Ranier. He needed to talk to someone who would understand and listen. Gavin said he could call him anytime, day or night for any reason at all. The phone rang several times before going to voicemail, "You've reached Gavin…."

Shit.

He hung up, hit redial and once again it went to voicemail. He decided to just try Gavin's home number but once again an answering machine picked up. _Some sponsor, _Martin thought as he waited for the beep to leave Gavin a message.

"It's Martin Fitzgerald. I, uh, I just really need someone to talk to right now. I'm having a hard time….just call me back when you get this message." He hung up and stared at his phone wondering what he should do now. He turned and looked back inside the pharmacy with a feeling of longing.

Giving up on Gavin, he decided to call someone else who would help him get through this. He hit the speed dial number for Danny and again, it just rang and rang before getting sent to voicemail. He pressed the 'End' button, not bothering to leave a message.

Fuck. This really wasn't shaping up to be his night.

He knew there was only one other person he could possibly count on right now. She said she wanted to help him; he just had to tell her how. He stared down at his phone and was about to call before deciding that since he had already struck out twice on phone calls he would just risk going to see her in person. Plus, it would give him an excuse to get as far away from this pharmacy and that prescription as possible.

He closed his phone and dropped it back in his pocket as he walked to the curb and held out his hand to hail a cab. He needed to go see Sam.


	4. Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

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Martin shifted restlessly in the backseat of the cab as it moved through a part of the city that he came to know really well. He rested his elbow on the car door's vinyl armrest as he looked out the window at the buildings outside. He missed jogging through Sam's neighborhood. There was the Chinese restaurant Fuk Mei. Whenever he saw their sign it would cause the juvenile side of his personality to chuckle. The pizza joint where they would stop after a long day at work and neither one of them felt like cooking. He always wanted everything on his pizza while Sam only liked pepperoni and bell peppers. Then there was the bakery where he would sometimes stop on his way back and pick up fresh coffee and pastries for the both of them. She would complain that he shouldn't buy her those sorts of things, they were so fattening, but whenever he would heed her request and only buy one for himself she would inevitably eat most of it. The cab then passed the school where Mike Gerard was abducted by Brian Stone on that fateful morning.

Good and bad memories of his and Sam's relationship were marked everywhere along these city streets.

He sighed heavily and tried to shake off the melancholy memories of a relationship that looking back was doomed from the start. He was the rebound guy and he could see that now. It hurt him deeply to know that but on some level he knew that Sam's invitation to share a cab was stemming from more than a near death experience and not wanting to waste any more time she decided to take their relationship to the next level. No, it had a lot to do with Jack leaving. He just wanted her so badly that he buried those doubts deep into his subconscious and risked it. While he regretted the way it ended he would never regret taking a chance on love. But right now he knew he needed to let go of thoughts of Sam as his girlfriend because he needed Sam his friend.

The cab turned the corner at the end of her street and Martin leaned forward so he could check to see if lights were on in her apartment indicating that she was home. He saw her living room window brightly illuminated and he released a breath he didn't know he was holding. A wave of relief washed over him knowing that he found someone to talk to, someone he could always count on.

The cab began to slow to a stop and as Martin reached for his wallet he saw her familiar form appear at the window. His heart skipped an involuntary beat at the sight of her when she turned around to face someone; a male someone.

He felt his insides contract as if someone had just kicked him in the stomach. She was grinning and tilting her head; an intimate gesture he knew well. The male figure handed her a glass of wine and said something that made her laugh. Maybe he should have called first because while she was home she most definitely was not alone. The man held up his hand as if preparing to give a toast and Sam did the same.

Unable to watch the scene anymore he told the cab driver to keep going. He needed to get away from here faster than he did the pharmacy; both were places that housed his most dangerous addictions making him feel a hunger he couldn't possibly satisfy without self-destructive results.

As the cab started to speed up and move down the street Martin felt a familiar ache in his chest. His heart was breaking all over again. Sam was moving on. She was dating. She looked happy. He reminded himself that he was the one who broke it off with her but still made it clear that he still wanted to be her friend. And if he was really her friend he would want her to be happy.

The problem was, the thought that she might be happy with someone else made him feel sadder than he had in his entire life. Because if he was completely honest with himself he would have to admit that he was hoping that Sam would eventually come around. That she would realize that what they had was special and real and then maybe she would want him back. That he only said he wanted to be her friend just so he really wouldn't have to let her go. Then the dark, sinister thoughts began to creep out of his mind, _Why would Sam want you anyway? You're a drug addict, a loser, a failure. You're weak; damaged. You don't deserve her love, only her pity. _

"Where are we headed now?" The driver asked.

He met the cabbie's eyes in the rearview mirror. He felt completely lost and alone and his voice cracked as he replied, "I, uh, I don't know. Just keep driving."


	5. Chapter 4

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_What have I become?  
my sweetest friend  
everyone I know  
goes away in the end  
you could have it all  
my empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
_

_- Nine Inch Nails, 'Hurt'_

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Part II

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"Long night?" Danny asked from his desk as Sam approached.

"Yeah," Sam mumbled, realizing that she wasn't concealing it as well as she had hoped. She took a long drink of her coffee hoping that the caffeine would help ease her throbbing headache. As she headed to her desk she explained, "I had a bit too much wine last night. My friend Kate showed up at my door wanting to celebrate winning a big case."

Danny was punching numbers into his cell phone and without looking up he asked, "Kate – she's the tall brunette with the nice rack right?"

"She's also a District Attorney, you pig." Sam commented with a stifled laugh. Although, she had to admit that the description was pretty accurate.

"Yeah, yeah." Danny glanced up and with his patented smirk asked, "You two ladies have a fun? I don't suppose she asked about me?"

"It wasn't just the two of us, there was also David; Kate's boyfriend." She replied pointedly as she plopped herself down at her desk. Danny frowned before he shrugged his shoulders and continued playing with his cell. Sam reached over and turned on her monitor recalling how much fun she had last night and more importantly, how it provided her with a much needed distraction. It was one less night of sitting alone in her apartment missing Martin.

She took another drink of her coffee and over the brim she finally noticed what Danny was holding in his hand. She lowered her cup and asked, "Is that a new cell phone?"

"Yeah, last night my not quite one-year old niece dropped my old one in the kitchen sink totally destroying it." Danny replied with a slightly annoyed tone. Sam laughed as he continued, "They couldn't retrieve my old information and now I have to manually plug in the phone numbers all over again." Danny stood up and headed towards her, "What's your number again?"

Sam leaned back into her chair and said, "555-4817"

"Thanks." Danny entered the number in his phone before glancing around the bullpen and asking, "Now where's Viv and Elena?"

"They had to testify in court this morning," Sam replied casually.

Danny glanced around and asked, "How about Martin?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him yet." Sam replied as she turned back to her desk and clicked on her email.

"Well, I go and get Mac's info then," Danny stood up and headed out of the bullpen. "Be right back."

"Bye," Sam commented to Danny's retreating form. She absentmindedly scrolled through her emails when she heard Martin's desk phone ringing. She looked over to see that his message light was lit up; the blinking red light demanding immediate attention. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was just a little after eight. Martin was probably just running late she told herself.

However, she couldn't help but recall the last time Martin was late to work. Her heart sunk at the thought of all that he had been through these last months. It was still hard to believe that Martin, who almost always seemed in control, was battling an addiction to narcotics. Looking back she wondered how she could have missed all the signs; his irritability and moodiness, constant trips to the bathroom, coming to work disheveled and unshaven and his increasing tardiness. Of course, thinking back she missed the signs because she wanted to believe he was okay. That he was whole and well and alive.

When he had been shot she realized how close she came to losing him. She told him that she wasn't going anywhere until she knew he was alright but the truth was she wanted to stay long after that. It wasn't until he was almost permanently out of her life that she realized how important he was to her. So she visited as much as she could while he was recovering and that wasn't an easy task considering Viv was out as well, leaving just her, Danny and Jack to work the cases. When he came back to work she tried to help him ease back into the routine but once she realized how much he resented people going out of their way to assist him she tried her best to treat him like she always had and he seemed to flourish. They got back their ease with each other and he seemed to be doing great.

That is until last month when he lost it while interviewing a potential suspect during a case. An image of Martin holding a knife to Ramsey's neck as he shoved him against the chain link fence entered her mind. She sensed something wasn't quite right with him but she couldn't have possibly imagined what it could have been. It was her conversation with Danny that finally led to her discovering Martin's dirty secret. All the pieces came together the moment she walked into his apartment. His normally meticulous apartment was littered with discarded clothing, empty takeout containers, and dirty dishes. Visual evidence on just how low Martin had sunk. She tried to play it light and casually asked about Martin's maid, Tina. He told her that she had returned to the Dominican Republic because her daughter was sick and he sounded so casual that if she hadn't picked up the prescription bottle with a label that read, Gina Dolan, she may have actually believed him.

Confronting him was one of the hardest things she had to do. He obviously was not up for a calm rational discussion so she opted for high volume confrontation. She shouted and demanded to know what was going on but it seemed to get her nowhere, he just got more and more defensive.

"_Tell me how to help you." She begged, knowing he needed help but unsure just how to give it. She wanted him to tell her what he needed. _

_Rather than continuing to fight with her and deny he had a problem he simply looked at her, his eyes full of despair and said, "I don't know, Sam. I don't know." _

_She stood there feeling utterly helpless and felt something inside her crack. She lowered the prescription bottle and looked at Martin, his façade crumbling. She knew it was hard for him to let her see him so vulnerable, exposed and raw. She was relieved that he finally admitted that he had a problem but also told her that he had no idea how to help himself up and out of it. She licked her lips and softly asked, "Have you tried to stop?"_

_He watched her for a beat and he lowered his head, looking down at the floor. "I've tried, I have. But it's so hard. It hurt so much that I would tell myself, 'just one more time' and then before I knew it I needed them all the time." He turned his head to look at her and continued, "I knew that when I took those pills from Gina's bathroom that I crossed the line but the need was so strong, so powerful that I…I just didn't care." _

_Sam moved back and sat on the armrest of Martin's sofa. She watched him for a beat and glanced around his apartment. She knew that she had to fulfill the promise she made to him when he was in the hospital. "You need to get help Martin. You can't do this alone."_

_He walked across the living room and sat down. He put his elbows on his knees and lowered his head. He placed his hands on the back of his neck and softly said, "I just don't know how it got so bad. It was easier when I could hide it but now…I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I knew it was only a matter of time before you figured it out."_

"_Um, I'm not the only one, Martin." She confessed, wanting to have everything out in the open since she was sure that he was going to need more than just her help to get through this. "Danny knows too, Martin." _

"_I know," Martin replied without bothering to look up. "He talked to me…no, he confronted me after the Ethan Heller case."_

"_Is that why things have been so tense between the two of you?" Sam asked, reigning in her anger that Danny never told her – or anyone else for that matter. _

"_Yeah…well, part of it." Martin quietly said. He leaned back into the sofa, seemingly relaxing now that the yelling had passed. He stared at the TV and folded his arms across his chest. "When he asked me about it…well, it didn't go well and he got angry." He worked his tongue into his cheek before he said, "It's funny though, because out of everyone I thought he would be the one to understand." _

_Sam looked at him and said, "Maybe that's why he got angry at you. He does know that you need help and thinks you should have gone to him sooner." _

_He tilted his head as he considered that option. "Maybe…" _

_She stood up and sat down next to him, their shoulders barely touching. She looked down at her hands on her lap and said, "I'll talk to Danny. He'll know how to…how to help you get well." _

"_I don't know if he wants that job, Sam. He was so pissed off at my screw-up during the Heller case…"_

"_He will. He may be angry for whatever reason but he's still your friend. I'll talk to him," Sam turned her head to look him in the eyes and finished, "But only if you are serious about kicking the habit. It's going to be extremely hard so if you don't think you're ready tell me now."_

_Martin's blew out a breath and whispered, "I want to be me again." _

_Sam looked at him, his face as despondent as it was in the hospital hallway after they found his aunt. Wanting to comfort him like she did that day so long ago she put her hand on his thigh. Martin's eyes looked at her hand and he wordlessly unfolded his chest and took her hand in his. He intertwined their fingers and his grip was tight; like he was holding on for dear life. _

Sam looked over and saw Danny heading down the hall. She was thankful that after some convincing Danny agreed to help. He met Martin at his first Narcotics Anonymous meeting and had been checking in with him on his progress. Martin began attending meetings twice a week, he had a sponsor, and everyday he was slowly returning to the man she recognized.

"Is Martin here yet?" Danny asked as he walked back into the bullpen.

"No," Sam replied. Danny looked at her with concern in his eyes and she added, "He's probably just running late."

Danny looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it and said, "Yeah, I'm sure you're right."

They exchanged tight, nervous smiles when Danny's desk phone rang. He walked over and answered, "Taylor. Who? Yeah, send him up." He put his phone back down on the receiver and with a grave look on his face said, "That was Gavin Rainer, Martin's sponsor. He's downstairs and wants to talk to me."

Danny started impatiently towards the elevators as Sam jumped out of her seat and followed. She looked at Danny and asked, "Why would he want to talk to you?"

"I met him when I took Martin to his introductory meeting." Danny licked his lips and with worried eyes said, "Sam, Martin hasn't shown up yet and now…"

She waved for him to stop and said, "I know what you are going to say but let's just wait to hear what he has to tell us okay? I just can't start thinking that way." She pinched the bridge of her nose and added, "Not yet."

Danny nodded his head and focused his gaze on the elevator doors that were sliding open. An escort agent and a man in his mid-forties walked out. Danny stepped forward and extended his hand, "Gavin, hi." He turned to the agent and said, "We've got him from here. Thank you."

Gavin had shaggy blonde hair and a round face that looked weary from life. He smiled at the agent as he walked away before turning back and saying, "Hi Danny."

Danny gestured to Sam and made introductions, "Gavin, this is Samantha Spade, another friend of Martin's."

Sam saw a look of recognition cross Gavin's face at hearing her name and she wondered just how much Martin had told him about her. He smiled, extended his hand and said, "Hello Samantha."

"Hello." Sam reached out to shake his hand and asked, "I hate to be so abrupt but why are you here?"

Gavin nodded his head solemnly and said, "Martin left me a message last night. He sounded – desperate."

Danny folded his arms and asked, "He left you a message?"

Gavin shifted his feet and replied, "I wasn't home and I didn't have my cell phone with me."

"You're his sponsor. What's the point of being one if he can't reach you when he needs you?" Sam blurted out accusatorily.

"Calm down Sam," Danny ordered as he put his hand on her shoulder. She stiffened so he dropped his hand to his side and looked at Gavin. "Sorry, we're just worried about Martin."

"No, I'm sorry." He looked right at Sam and rather than getting angry his expression softened, making him look worn and weary. "I can understand your frustration but my wife had gone into labor last night and I was so panicked that I ran out of the apartment without my cell. I didn't get the message until I went home to shower and change. I've been trying to call Martin all morning and not getting an answer. I don't know where he lives so I came down and asked if he was here." He turned to look at Danny and finished, "They told me he hadn't come in yet so I thought of you."

"I'm glad you did." Danny gave him a reassuring look and asked, "What did he say in his message exactly?"

"That he was having a hard time and needed someone to talk to." Gavin ran his hand over his forehead and through his hair and continued, "I feel just awful. This was the first time he really reached out to me and I wasn't there for him. If he lapses…"

"No, don't do that. You can't start thinking like that, besides it's ultimately on Martin."

Sam felt sorry for attacking Gavin when he clearly had a very good reason and seemed genuinely upset that he missed Martin's call. Then she started to wonder why Martin didn't call her or Danny if he couldn't reach his sponsor. She thought she had made it very clear that she wanted to help him. She looked at Gavin and said, "We'll go to his apartment and check up on him."

"Thanks," Gavin replied. Not wanting to waste a minute Danny started leading him to the elevator. As the doors slid open Gavin turned to him and said, "When you see him please tell him that I'm sorry I missed his calls."

"Of course," Danny replied as Gavin boarded the elevator. With a small smile he asked, "By the way, is it a boy or girl?"

The doors started to close and as Gavin leaned against the back of the elevator he said, and said, "A girl. 6 lbs 8 oz. We named her Hope."


	6. Chapter 5

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Chapter 5

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Sam stepped out of the elevator first and marched directly to Martin's door and knocked. Danny came up behind her as they waited for Martin to answer. She knocked again, still hoping that this was just a big misunderstanding. That Martin was okay and just running late. After waiting for a few beats Danny reached over and rapped loudly on Martin's door but again there was no answer. He shot a glance at her so she reached into her pocket and pulled out her keys. She located Martin's and inserted it into the lock. After unlocking the deadbolt she turned the knob and began opening the door. "Martin?"

The apartment was silent.

She and Danny made their way in and she was relieved to see that Martin's apartment was clean and organized just as he used to keep it. This was a positive sign. Danny headed into the kitchen while she moved in the direction of the bedroom. She reached the doorway and peeked inside but there was no trace of Martin. The bed was made and nothing seemed out of place. Sam glanced at the bed and quickly an image of better times flashed in her mind.

_Sam was under the sheets with Martin kissing and touching playfully. She kissed him, leaned back and in a throaty voice whispered, "Tell me something sexy…tell me about…the government-alien conspiracy…"_

_Martin smiled and rolled them over so he was on top. "You making fun of me?"_

_She got a very serious expression on her face and replied, "No, of course not." And then she grinned and said, "Admit it. You got a little thrill that Duncan thought you were the real Mulder." _

_Martin gave a sheepish smile and said, "Maybe." Then he grinned widely and disappeared beneath the sheets. _

_Suddenly feeling very confused she leaned up on her elbows and asked, "What are you doing?"_

"_I'm searching for alien implants. You can't be too careful." He replied; his voice muffled under the sheets. She laughed and fell back onto the bed. She felt Martin's fingers on her ankles before he started to slowly work his way up her leg. "So far so good," he commented as each caress was followed with a soft kiss that sent a tingling sensation up her leg. _

_Sam moaned in appreciation when she felt Martin's arousal brush against her leg. She grinned wickedly and said, "Is that an alien probe or are you just happy to see me?" _

_He laughed. _

Sam went to check the bathroom and found her hands shaking at what she might find. She opened the door, clicked the light on and breathed a sigh of relief that while it was empty at least there was no sign of Martin taking pills again.

"He's not in here!" Danny shouted as he exited the kitchen.

She turned around and saw Danny searching the living room. She started towards him and said, "He's not in there either."

Danny nodded his head solemnly and stood next to Martin's answering machine and pressed a button. A digital voice came on and announced that he had seven new messages.

A woman's voice came on and in a soft seductive tone said, "Hi Martin, my name is Kristy. I was recently matched to your ad on I wanted to see if we could arrange a lunch or maybe get together for drinks. Call me. My number is 555-2890. Bye."

Sam felt a mixture of surprise and curiosity that Martin would be trying to find on a date on an internet dating service but she was also, not surprisingly, irritated.

The next three messages were basically the same; women telling him that they had been matched and wanting to arrange a date. She was about to tell Danny to turn the machine off when Gavin's voice came on and in an urgent and apologetic tone said, "Martin, this is Gavin. I've been trying to reach you on your cell but you're not answering. I'm sorry that I missed your call but Susan went into labor last night. I hope you were able to get to a meeting or find someone to talk to. Please call me when you get this message. I'll try you on your cell phone again. I have my phone with me now so please call me."

The next two messages were also Gavin apologizing and begging Martin to call. Once all the messages were played Danny looked at her and said, "Looking around his apartment, no dirty dishes in the sink, and the unchecked messages it seems like Martin didn't come home last night."

Sam nodded her head and glanced around as if searching for some miraculous clue about Martin's whereabouts. "You're right."

Danny met her eyes and softly said, "I think we need to talk to Jack."

Sam looked at him and wanted to tell him that they should do it on their own but he was right. Besides, she knew that Martin had already talked to Jack and told him about his problem. She gave a resolute sigh and breathed, "Yeah, I think you're right."

They did another cursory search of his apartment, trying to locate some clue about where he might have gone but finding no luck. Deciding to head to the office and talk to Jack so they could begin a more rigorous search they exited his apartment. Danny lingered in the hall as Sam started locking the deadbolt when they heard the elevator door open and the doorman exit. He walked down the hall and nodded at them before stopping a few doors from Martin's apartment and ringing the bell.

The door opened up and she immediately recognized Martin's neighbor, Conrad. He would always try to chat with her whenever she visited and Martin would joke that the elderly man had a crush on her.

"Thanks for coming up to help me with my bags, Mason." Conrad commented as he stepped aside, allowing the doorman to enter.

"It's no problem Mr. Heims." The doorman replied as disappeared inside.

"Hello Conrad." Sam greeted the elderly man as she moved down the hall.

Conrad looked over and squinted, trying to recognize the woman addressing him. Sam smiled as the look of recognition appeared on his face. "Samantha. It is lovely to see you again my dear."

Sam walked to his door and extended her hand. She greeted him and introduced Danny. "Conrad, this is Danny Taylor. He is another agent." With her eyes on Danny she added, "This is Conrad Heims."

The two men shook hands and Conrad asked, "I hope you found your missing person."

Sam tilted her head in confusion and asked, "Excuse me?"

"I assumed since Martin did not return with my prescription last night that he was called out on a case."

Danny and Sam exchanged a worried glance as she asked, "Martin said he would pick up a prescription for you?"

"Yes. He was on his way to the bodega and I asked him to stop by the pharmacy. My arthritis has been keeping my up all night so my doctor prescribed me some….oh, what was it called?" The elderly man's eyes looked up at the ceiling as he tried to recollect. "I remember it reminded me of that Mr. Spock. Voltan….Vulcan…."

"Was it Vicodin?" Danny offered.

"That's it!" Conrad replied. "He didn't come back home last night so I assumed he was called in to work. No worries though, I'll just stop by and pick it up on my way to the airport."

Sam saw Danny gearing up to ask Conrad more questions but feeling a need to protect Martin from having everyone know his business she quickly put her hand on Danny's forearm and said, "Thank you Conrad. Have a safe trip."

Danny looked at her questioningly but thankfully backed off.

"Goodbye Samantha. It was nice meeting you Agent Taylor." Conrad commented as Sam pulled Danny along, hurriedly ushering him to the elevator.

She stopped in front of the lift and pounded the call button. Her mind was racing. Martin had access to more painkillers. She thought he was making so much progress. If only Gavin had answered his fucking phone! She knew that it wasn't Gavin's fault, Martin had to take responsibility for his actions but why didn't he call her or Danny?

"Sam?" Danny's voice creaked.

She looked over and realized she was digging her nails into Danny's arm. She released her grip. "Sorry, I'm just worried about Martin."

"So am I, Sam," Danny replied as he pulled his arm to him and started rubbing the affected area.

"I think we should go to the pharmacy and see if Martin picked up the prescription." She said as she pressed the call button again – irrationally hoping that it would help speed up the elevator. "Maybe he never even made it there…"

"Sam, Martin's my friend too but I know some temptations are too strong for someone just coming out of an addiction." He said knowingly.

The elevator stopped on their floor and the doors opened. As Sam entered she couldn't ignore her gut feeling that there was more to the story, "It doesn't make sense Danny. Even if Martin took Conrad's prescription why wouldn't he come home?"

"Maybe he didn't want to run into Conrad," Danny theorized as he boarded the elevator next to Sam who shook her head. "Sam, you have to remember that Martin is an addict. He's capable of doing anything if it means getting a fix."

"He may be an addict but I know Martin," Sam said as the doors started to close. "And I just can't help but think that something else is going on."


	7. Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

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Sam walked inside the pharmacy ahead of Danny, her heels clicking against the white linoleum floor. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the fluorescent lighting. She headed towards the pharmacy counter where she spotted two pharmacists: a lanky bald man and a short, stocky Hispanic. As they neared the Hispanic pharmacist disappeared into a back room.

The remaining pharmacist's back was to them so Sam tapped the bell on the counter several times to get his attention.

He turned around and looked at her with an annoyed expression on his face. "Hello. I'll be with you in just a moment." Then he turned back around to return to his task of separating pills on a small tray.

They waited for a few beats and just as Sam was getting ready to blow her top Danny rang the bell again and in am authoritative voice said, "Excuse me, sir. We are federal agents here on official business."

The pharmacist stopped what he was doing and turned his head to look at them. They held out their badges for him to see. He evaluated them for a few seconds before putting the bottles down and walking to the counter. Sam read his nametag, Richard Mead. He looked at them and calmly asked, "How can I assist you?"

Danny put his badge back into his breast pocket and said, "We need to know if Conrad Heims' prescription has been picked up."

Richard's expression went blank and he evenly replied, "I'm sorry I can't give out that information."

Unable to take the snotty pharmacists attitude a moment longer Sam quickly replied, "Cut the Hippocratic oath mumbo jumbo. We already know that Mr. Heims called in a prescription for Vicodin. All we need to know is if it has been picked up."

Richard's eyes shifted between the two of them when he folded his arms across his chest and asked, "You're federal agents?"

"Yes," Sam replied, growing increasingly annoyed. "So if you could please….."

"Does this have something to do with Martin Fitzgerald?" Richard asked evenly.

"Why would you ask that?" Danny cautiously asked.

"I know that he was pushing hard to get me to give him another prescription a few months ago. He got really angry when I refused so it didn't take a big leap of imagination to guess he was growing dependent on the stuff." Richard said judgmentally. He shifted his weight, cocked his eyebrow and added, "I also know Mr. Heims is his neighbor. Put two and two together…."

"Spare us your theories and just tell us if it has been picked up." Sam ordered. She didn't like this self-righteous pharmacist making derogatory accusations about Martin; whether or not they were true.

Richard looked at her coolly before turning around to do as instructed. He moved to the counter behind him and started rifling through a bin full of small white bags. A look of surprise crossed his face as he pulled one out. "Well, it seems Mr. Heims' prescription is still here."

"It is?" Danny asked, darting a quick glance at Sam.

Richard nodded his head and pulled out a small white bag. "Yes."

Sam felt relieved but she still had to ask, "Is there any chance that there was more than one prescription?"

"Well, I did this particular bag myself yesterday afternoon so I know this is the original order Mr. Heims placed but I can check with the other pharmacist. I'll be right back." Richard turned and walked into the back room.

Sam closed her eyes and rubbed her head. She knew the throbbing she felt now how very little to do with the wine from last night. She opened her eyes and looked at Danny whose forehead was creased with worry. She softly said, "He didn't pick up the prescription. That's good news right?"

Danny looked over at her and hesitantly replied, "Yeah."

Their eyes met in silent understanding when Richard reappeared with the short Hispanic in tow. Sam did not like the self-satisfied look on Richard's face as he introduced them to the other pharmacist. "This is Carlos Ortiz, he was on duty last night. He just told me that Martin did come by to pick up the prescription."

Carlos had a chubby face and an innocent look like a child. He looked back and forth between the two before focusing on Danny and saying, "He came by to pick it up but when I asked him to sign for it he got a weird look on his face and told me to never mind. That Mr. Heims would get it in the morning."

Sam lowered her head and gave a grateful sigh that Martin was able to resist such a strong temptation.

"Did he buy anything else while he was in here?" Danny asked.

"No, he just left. He practically ran out, he looked edgy and nervous." Carlos answered. Sam looked up as the pharmacist continued, "When he got outside he started making calls on his cell phone and then he got in a cab and drove away."

"That's it?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," Carlos replied with a shrug.

"I see you have security cameras." Danny commented as he pointed to the camera in the corner. "We're going to need that tape."

XXXXX

"And you don't have any idea where he could be?" Jack asked as he tapped his pen on the file folder on his desk. Sam knew that he was feeling just as culpable in Martin's addiction as they did. After Martin had come clean to him he had confessed to her that he had noticed that something was off with Martin but men being men, he decided to just let it go.

"I have Mac pulling up Martin's cell phone records to see who else he might have called." Danny replied as he leaned back in his chair, rubbing his chin. He glanced hesitantly at Sam and said, "I thought he might have hooked-up with a woman from that internet dating service but even if he did, that doesn't explain why he hasn't shown up to work yet."

"He also isn't supposed to date for at least a year while in NA." Sam said a little too curtly, feeling bristled by Danny's theory.

"Have you called his family?" Jack asked, ignoring Sam's comment.

"No. I thought about calling his uncle or cousins but I don't know if he told them about his problem yet." Wringing her hands she shook her head and added, "Besides, if he was going to go see them he would take his car not a cab. They live in Long Island."

"Good point," Jack was quiet for a beat before he clasped his hands together and leaned forward on his desk. He gave them both a hard look, cleared his throat and asked, "Do you think it's possible that he relapsed?"

"No. He didn't take the prescription and it would have been so easy," Sam replied, wanting to believe he wouldn't, that he was stronger than that. He was still new into his recovery program but he seemed earnest about kicking the habit. She turned to look at Danny who was slumped into his chair with his thumb over his lips; his silence speaking volumes. Surprised that he would still think that Martin was drugged up somewhere she urged him to speak up, "Danny?"

Danny's eyes were downcast as he said, "I don't know, maybe."

Sam wanted to punch Danny in the nose but opted for a dirty look and turned away.

"Okay," Jack nodded his head and softly said, "Maybe we should look at the tape and go from there."

Jack stood up and crossed his office to put it in the VCR. Sam anxiously got up and stood next to him while Danny flanked him on the other side. The screen filled up with four grainy black and white boxed images. The pharmacy had cameras on all four central locations of the store. Jack held the remote as he fast forwarded, their eyes searching for a sign of Martin. Finally, Martin appeared on screen. He looked good, like he was just running an errand. They watched as the exchange with Carlos went just as the pharmacist had told them. Soon Martin was out on the sidewalk making calls and hanging up. Sam wondered why he didn't call her – she was home. She would have helped him. Next Martin was on the curb hailing a cab. When the cab pulled over to pick him up he opened the door and Jack hit the 'Pause' button.

He squinted at the TV before shaking his head. "I don't have my glasses. Can either one of you read the tag number?"

Sam focused her eyes on the small black tag on the door and read aloud, "4J61"

"Good," Jack said as hit play again and they all watched Martin get in the cab and disappear down the street. "Call the cab company so we can talk to that driver and find out where he dropped Martin off."

"I'm on it," Sam said as she and Danny started towards the door.

"Wait a minute," Jack said to them as he remained standing by the VCR. They turned to look at him. "I'd like to keep this as quiet as possible but if we uncover that Martin is in trouble again I will have to take serious action."

Sam and Danny nodded their heads solemnly and exited Jack's office. Sam hurried ahead of Danny, refusing to look at him but he sped up and positioned himself in front of her so she had to stop. He touched her arm and tried to explain, "I'm sorry, Sam but we have to think of all possible scenarios."

Sam folded her arms across her chest defensively and asked, "How can you still think that he is using again? He was given the golden opportunity and was able to walk away?"

"You asked me to help Martin because I know what it is like, right?" Sam worked her jaw but nodded her head in agreement. "Well, I know how addicts think. Yes, it would have been so easy for him to take the old guys drugs – most addicts would have. But Martin is very concerned about his appearance. It would have been too obvious. He may have gone somewhere else to get a fix. I'm not saying he did but that is something we need to consider."

Sam looked at him, her emotions rising to the surface. She feared she was either going to lose it and scream at Danny or simply break down and cry. Fortunately before the conversation could continue Mac rounded the corner and jogged towards them.

As soon as he reached them in a low conspiratorial tone he said, "Hey man, I got those records you asked for."

"Thanks," Danny took the papers and started flipping through the pages. Mac stood there waiting so Danny looked at him and added, "I said thanks." Mac gave him an irritated look at the curt dismissal and stormed off.

Sam felt bad for how Danny treated him but she was more concerned with what numbers were going to show up on Martin's cell record. Danny stopped on the last page and went shock still. He shook his head, looked up at Sam and softly said, "The last calls he made were to his sponsor and to me."

Sam looked at him and replied, "I may not know what it is like to be an addict, but I don't think someone would call their sponsor and friend unless they were serious about kicking their habit."

Danny looked at her and she just turned and headed to her desk to start calling cab companies to try and locate Martin's driver. She sat down at her desk and picked up the phone to call NYC Taxi Company. She glanced over at Danny who sat down at his desk to research the other numbers on Martin's record. _Probably to check and see if he had called back any of the women from the dating website_, Sam thought.

Seeing Danny sitting slumped in his chair she noticed that he looked….guilty. She was certain that he was kicking himself for missing Martin's call. While it wasn't his fault that his niece ruined his phone making it unusable it would be hard to not wonder what would have happened if he had answered. It's the "What ifs" that are the hardest thing to deal with when someone is missing. Even so, she couldn't help but feel just a little bit vindicated that by knowing just who Martin was calling that he wasn't beyond redemption; he sincerely wanted to get better.

Of course, there was a large part of her that was hurt that out of all the calls for help that Martin made last night not a single one was to her.

"NYC Taxi – your address please," The operator of the cab company answered.

"Hello, I'm Special Agent Samantha Spade. I need the name of the driver who drove last night between 6:30 and 10:00 pm. The cab number is 4J61." Sam said as she held her pen to her notepad waiting for information.

"I'm sorry, come again?" The operator asked again. Sam repeated what she said and the operator replied, "Let me check. Okay, last night's driver was Cedric Murton."

"Can I have his address please?" Sam asked as she jotted down the driver's name.

"He's actually due for work in about a half-an-hour if you want to come here." The operator provided.

"Yes I would. Just keep him there, I'm on my way." She hung up the phone and stood up. Grabbing her jacket she looked over at Danny and said, "I've got a lead on the driver. I'm meeting him at the taxi depot."

Danny nodded his head and stood up. "Let's go."

They walked quietly together to the elevator. As they waited Sam ran her eyes over Danny's sorrowful face. Now she was the one who was feeling guilty. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier Danny. You didn't deserve that, I know you are just as worried about Martin as I am."

"Yeah, I did." Danny commented. "I guess it was easier to believe that Martin fell off the wagon instead of something else going on." The elevator arrived and as they moved inside he looked at her and said, "Martin's just lucky to have someone like you who believes in him no matter what."


	8. Chapter 7

RATING: M – While most of this story ranks around a K+ there will be one chapter that deals with a dark subject so I decided to err on the side of caution. I apologize to any readers who started reading this fic over in the K+ section. I was unsure how to handle it but after consulting with some other others and readers we all felt this was the best course of action. Thank you.

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Chapter 7

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The cab depot smelled like exhaust fumes, gasoline and sweat. There were several drivers milling around the parked yellow cabs as hip-hop music played in the background and they eyed the two agents warily as Danny and Sam made their way to the dispatch pen.

Sam flashed her tin at the full figured woman sitting in the cage. "Hi, I'm Special Agent Samantha Spade. I'm looking for Cedric Murton."

The woman recognized Sam's name and replied, "Oh, yeah. He's over there." She pointed to a man wearing a faded short sleeve shirt and worn jeans. He was surrounded by a few of the other drivers joking around and laughing.

"Thanks," Danny replied.

As they neared where Cedric stood the other drivers moved away from him at seeing the agents approach. It wasn't much of a surprise considering cab driving was a popular profession among illegal immigrants in New York City and Sam was sure she and Danny looked like government employees.

"Cedric Murton?" Sam asked as she held up her badge.

"That's me," Cedric replied. He stood up a little straighter and darted his dark eyes back and forth between them. "You the fibbies?"

Sam held out her badge and said, "We're Special Agents Samantha Spade and Danny Taylor. We'd like to ask you about one of your fares last night."

"Okay," Cedric replied with a nod.

"You would have picked him up outside of Armstrong Pharmacy on the upper west side around 6:30 or so." Sam said, suddenly wishing she had thought to bring a photo of Martin with her. "He's about 5'11", brown hair, blue eyes…."

"Yeah, I know who you are talking about." Cedric interrupted as he leaned back against the side of a cab. "That guy had me driving back and forth all over New York. First he had me drive him to a place in the village but when we got there he changed his mind; didn't even bother getting out of the cab."

Sam's breath caught and her heart muscles tightened. She looked at the driver and softly asked, "Where in the village?"

"Between 14th and 9th street," Cedric replied matter-of-factly. "It looked like he was going to get out but then at the last minute he told me to just keep driving."

Sam suddenly felt like the ground was shifting beneath her feet. Martin didn't call because he was going to her apartment. But why didn't he come up to see her? Why did he just drive away? She cleared her throat and asked, "Um…did he mention why he didn't want to get down?"

"Nah," Cedric replied shaking his head before adding, "Although, my guess would be it had something to do with a chick. He was looking at some window in one of the apartments. I looked up and although I couldn't see it too well there was a man and a blonde drinking wine and laughing." Cedric paused and evaluated Sam a little closer. "You kinda look like her…"

Sam opened her mouth to reply but there was a lump lodged in her throat so no words would come out. He was coming to see her but then he saw her with David through the window and completely misread the situation.

"So he didn't get down and then what?" Danny asked, breaking the awkward silence. She was thankful that he spoke up; she seemed to have gone completely mute.

Cedric ran his eyes over Sam's crestfallen expression before he replied, "He had no idea where he wanted to go so we drove around for 10 minutes before he finally decided on someplace. Good thing too, I was starting to get worried that he was going to stiff me."

XXX

_Cedric sat in the front of the cab and pulled to a stop at a red light. He glanced in his rearview mirror and looked at Martin who is slumped in the backseat staring sadly out the window. Cedric returned his focus to the intersection and nervously adjusted his hands on the steering wheel. _

_The light switched to green so he pressed on the gas, rolling the cab forward. He exhaled a frustrated breath, unsure where he was supposed to go. Anxious for an address he commented in Martin's general direction, "I don't mind running up your fare, buddy, but we're going to have to stop eventually. My shift ends in an hour." _

_Martin continued staring out the window, not listening. With his elbow on the armrest, he propped his head up with his hand; the lights of the city moving over his face as the cab drives along. _

"_Hey, buddy," Cedric said again as he tapped on the glass barrier between the front and back seats. "You listening, where do you want to go?" _

_Martin turned and looked at him as if he has forgotten that he was even in the car. "Huh? I'm sorry, what?" _

"_Where to now?" Cedric barked out. _

_Martin rubbed his mouth with his hand as he considered the question. He tilted his head back and forth as if waging an internal battle to decide what his destination was going to be when, with a final nod to himself, he said, "I know where I want to go." _

XXX

"So once he finally decided on a location I drove him there." Cedric finished as he pulled out a pack of gum. He held the pack out towards the agents as an offering.

"What's the address?" Danny asked, declining the gum with a wave of his hand while Sam just shook her head.

"Um, hang on, I remember it was some community center on the upper west side," Cedric put the piece of gum in his mouth and put the pack back in his pocket. Then he reached into his cab and pulled out his driver's log. He flipped the pages and as he chewed his gum, said, "165 W. 105th St."

"Anything else?" Sam asked, finally finding her voice.

"Nah," Cedric replied as he tossed his log back into the cab. He blew a bubble and added, "He paid his fair, gave me a pretty generous tip and went inside."

"Great, thanks." Danny said as nodded his head towards the exit. "You ready Sam?"

She nodded and looking at Cedric said, "Thank you Mr. Murton. You've been a big help."

"No problem," Cedric replied with a small grin.

Sam gave him a forced smile before following Danny to the exit. They stood on the sidewalk outside and Sam took a few deep breaths trying to regain the composure that she let falter earlier.

"I'm sorry Sam." Danny said gently.

Sam shook her head, silently indicating that she wasn't prepared to discuss the implications that Martin went missing after reaching out to everyone he could only to be let down each time. "I think we need to go the community center and find out why Martin went there."

"I already know," Danny said. Sam looked at him quizzically and he explained. "It's Franklin Community Center. That's where I met him for his first Narcotics Anonymous meeting."


	9. Chapter 8

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Chapter 8

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Sam waited in the foyer while Danny went off in search of the community center's director. Her eyes scanned the various bulletins and announcements when she spotted the poster board for Narcotics Anonymous. She reached out and ran her fingers over two potential meetings that Martin may have attended. She was grateful that meetings were being held just around the time Martin would have needed someone to talk to. She smiled to herself that even when he was let down by his friends he still had his head put together enough to know to go to a meeting.

She stepped back and spotted the ubiquitous slogan written out in big bright red lettering: "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

She smiled, remembering that it was just a few weeks ago when she and Martin had discussed change.

XXX

_As the waitress placed their plates in front of them Sam looked covetously at Martin's Pud Se-iew piled high with butterfly shrimp. It never failed; whenever they went to a restaurant whatever he ordered always looked better than hers. When they were dating she would usually end up eating most of his and while he would complain, he never denied her. _

_Martin grabbed his chopsticks and started moving around the wide rice noodles giving her an opportunity to study him. It was so easy to notice the improvements in his demeanor during the last month. He was looking more like the Martin she knew: his eyes were regaining that bright shade of sky blue, his skin was radiating a healthy glow, and they were slowly returning to that gentle ease around one another. _

_Returning her focus to her own food she split apart her wooden chopsticks and started moving around her own noodles deciding to get to her ulterior motive for inviting Martin out to dinner. She looked at Martin and casually asked, "So how are things?" _

_Martin eyed her and then simply replied, "Things are fine." _

_She took a bite of her Pad Thai and waited for him to expand his answer but instead he stuffed a piece of shrimp in his mouth and just smiled at her. He wasn't going to give up information as easily as she had hoped but she also knew that was to be expected; Danny told her that while Martin was willing to get help he was still embarrassed, feeling like he was weak for allowing himself to get addicted in the first place. That's why she invited him out to dinner after work, to give them a chance to talk away from the office. _

_She swallowed and elaborated, "What I meant was: how are the N.A. meetings going?" _

_Martin paused before he quietly replied, "Good. I've been going three times a week and I have a sponsor now."_

"_That's great," She gave him an encouraging smile as he took a drink of his iced tea and continued, "I was online and I read that a sponsor is a great resource for…"_

_He put down his drink and said, "Sam, can we not discuss that tonight? Danny asks me about it all the time and between him and the meetings, I'm just a little tired of talking about it."_

"_Oh…uh, sure," Sam replied deflated, her eyes on her Thai dinner. She stared down at the noodles and chicken and felt her appetite start to disappear. She dropped her chopsticks on the table and reached for her glass of wine when Martin put his hand over hers. _

"_I'm sorry. I don't mean to shut you out." He said as he put their hands down on the table, caressing her with his thumb. The gesture felt so warm, intimate and familiar that Sam almost forgot how to breathe. She looked up and met his eyes. "You've been incredible through all of this Sam. I honestly don't know what I would have happened to me if you hadn't…I guess 'intervened' is the appropriate NA term." He smiled at her and she rewarded him with one of her own. "It's just, this whole process fills up so much of my life that it would just be nice to not have to talk about it or think about it for one hour so I can just have a nice meal with my friend."_

"_Going to meetings is only part of it. I just want to be sure that you know that you can talk to me about anything anytime." Sam looked at him tenderly and said, "You're not alone in this, Martin."_

"_I know, Sam." His blue eyes softened and he said, "And I want to talk to you more about it but just not tonight."_

"_Okay," She replied with a nod. They stayed there just looking at one another for a few beats when Martin pulled his hand back and returned to eating his food. Mourning the loss of his touch and needing to do something with her hand she picked up her beer. "So what should we talk about?" _

"_I don't care." He answered as he lifted up his chopsticks full of noodles. "I just want to have a normal night." _

"_You want normal, huh?" Sam asked. Martin nodded his head so she grinned widely and reached over with her chopsticks and plucked the biggest piece of shrimp off of his plate and ate it. He gave her an incredulous look so she stopped mid-chew and said, "Normally I wouldn't have waited so long to take it." _

_He laughed and replied, "It's good to know some things will never change."_

_She winked at him and then snatched another piece of shrimp. _

XXX

Sam sighed at the memory and wished that Martin hadn't jumped to conclusions about her and David. If only he had just gone up to her apartment last night and he would have seen how innocent it all was. Of course she also wondered what it meant that he hadn't. While they had been broken up for almost a year she still got jealous of a woman's voice on his answering machine. She could only imagine how she would feel if she actually saw him on what looked like a date.

"According to the office manager the director is out to lunch." Danny announced as he reentered the foyer. Sam turned around to face him and he finished, "But she did tell me that he was the one who ran last night's meeting."

Sam took a few steps in his direction and asked, "Any word on when he was coming back?"

Danny looked at the entrance doors behind her and said, "I'd say he'll be here in thirty seconds."

Sam spun around and saw a short man with dark brown hair, a full beard and black rimmed glasses walked through the door carrying a take-out bag. He stopped short at the sight of them and said, "Hello. Can I help you?"

The agents meet him halfway and Danny asked, "Are you the director, David Oakes?"

"Yes," David replied warily.

"Hi, I'm Danny Taylor from the FBI and this is my partner, Samantha Spade. We were wondering if this man attended a meeting last night." Danny flipped open his cell phone to show David the picture that Mac had sent from Martin's personnel file.

David's eyes darted to the image on the cell and while it was obvious that he recognized Martin he replied, "I'm sorry. These meetings are confidential."

"I understand your need for privacy," Sam said in as calm and reassuring tone she could muster, "But this man is a federal agent and he did not show up for work this morning. We know he attends NA meetings and the last place he was seen was by a taxi cab driver who dropped him off here last night."

"I'm sorry, I truly am but…" David began.

"Look," Danny interrupted. He leaned in close to David and said, "I know how it works. I do." David looked at him knowingly as Danny continued, "How about this? Can you tell us if you happened to see a man who looked like him around here last night?"

David considered Danny's suggestion. He exhaled a breath and said, "I may have seen someone who looked like him."

Danny smiled and put his hand on David's shoulder. "Thank you. Do you happen to know what time this man left or where he went?"

David nodded his head and said, "I saw him on the sidewalk outside chatting with another memb….woman."

XXX

"_I have more paper cups in my car," David told the woman brewing coffee for the next meeting as he opened the door to exit the building. He started towards a car parked across the street and pulled out his car keys. _

_He heard some voices and looked down the sidewalk and saw Martin talking with an attractive woman with long dark blonde hair. _

"_Yeah, it was really hard when he left." The woman commented as she pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to Martin. "Sometimes it's a struggle to just get through the night." _

_Martin waved off the cigarette and replied, "Yeah, nights are the worst." _

_David hit the clicker on his keychain and the truck sprung open. The noise got Martin and the woman's attention and they both looked over at where David stood pulling a plastic bag full of paper cups out. Martin waved at David who nodded his head and smiled as he headed back inside._

_He watched as the pair started walking down the sidewalk. _

_The woman blew out a puff of smoke, the gray cloud rising to the sky and disappearing. "Thanks for walking me to the subway. I've only lived in New York for a few months and I still tend to get lost." _

"_No problem," Martin replied as he tucked his hands in his trouser pockets. "Besides, in this city it's better to be safe than sorry."_

_She laughed and replied, "That's what I always tell the kids in my class but they just roll their eyes at me."_

"_As long as you tell them," Martin replied as they turned the corner and out of sight. _

XXX

"And then I came back inside to get ready for the 9:00 pm meeting." David finished.

Ignoring the tight feeling in her chest at hearing that Martin may have gone home with another woman she asked, "The woman he was talking with, is she a regular?"

David exhaled a breath realizing that Sam was not going to let him off the hook now that he had admitted that Martin was here last night. He shook his head and said, "I've never seen her before last night."

"Do you have a name?" Sam asked as she pulled out her notepad. She held her pen tight, mentally imagining stabbing Martin with it if this whole morning was a waste of time and he was just shacked up with some blonde bimbo.

"No names." David replied, getting back into confidentiality mode.

"Can you describe her?" Danny asked; his voice filled with frustration. "Did she have any distinguishing characteristics?"

David closed his eyes as he tried to recollect. "Um, I remember she had a really unusual tattoo on the back of her neck. I only got a glimpse of it because the room was so hot that she lifted up her hair to try and cool off. It was of a sun but the center was a…"

"Yin-Yang symbol?" Danny asked as Sam wrote the tattoo description in her notepad.

"Yeah," David replied slightly surprised. "How did you know?"

Sam looked at him wondering that as well when Danny replied, "Because that woman is extremely dangerous."

"Danny, what do you know?" Sam asked.

"Her name is Nikki Wertz. A few years ago she was wanted in connection with a series of muggings. She attends these meetings and finds someone in a vulnerable state of mind and chats with them. After she gains their trust she asks them to walk her home or to the subway, wherever. Only she has an accomplice waiting in an alley to beat and mug whoever is unfortunate enough to agree." Danny paused and added, "The last person they attacked was beaten so badly he died. They disappeared after that."

"Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't know…" David replied remorsefully.

"Listen, I'm going to give you my card." Danny pulled a business car out of his pocket and handed it to David. "If you see this woman again I want you to call me."

"Absolutely," David replied as he studied Danny's card. "I'll call the other NA leaders and let them know as well."

"Thank you, we'd really appreciate that." Danny said as David headed towards his office. As soon as David was out of earshot Danny looked sadly at Sam and said, "It looks like you were right, Sam. There is something else going on and Martin may be in a lot of trouble."

Sam looked at Danny wishing for the first time in her life that she had been wrong.


	10. Chapter 9

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Chapter 9

XXXXXXX

"Damn it." Sam growled as she hit another dead end in the search for the location for Nikki Wertz. As soon as she and Danny got back to the office they had been tracking down any possible information they could as to where Nikki could be but it was almost as if she never even existed. There were no employment records, credit history, or even a utility bill under her name, only a criminal record that was several pages long.

She turned around and saw Danny and Jack sitting at the conference table. Danny was looking through files while Jack was on the phone calling local hospitals to see if any John Does were admitted last night. She willfully chose to ignore any calls he made to the morgue asking the same question. She glanced over to see Viv at her own desk conducting a search on Martin's credit card history while Elena ran checks on any other aliases Nikki may be using.

She looked back at her monitor and closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose to try and calm her nerves. Her computer beeped to let her know that the search was complete so she opened her eyes only to read that no matches were found. She typed for the database to conduct another search and as she waited she stared at the computer screen when an almost long forgotten memory returned.

XXX

_Joe's Bar had just the right amount of noise and quiet so Sam made a mental note to remember it the next time she needed a drink and wanted to be alone among a crowd of people. Martin lead her to a booth near the back and waited for her to sit down before asking her what she wanted. While a martini was her usual drink of choice it felt like the wrong thing to order considering the day she had so she asked for a vodka tonic. He nodded his head and walked to the bar to place their order. _

_She slumped into the leather covered bench and looked down at the worn wooden table. It was sticky and marked up with various engravings by drunken customers. She ran her fingers over where someone had carved a heart with the initials S and F inside of it. She wondered who those lovers were and if they were still together or whether it was just some reckless act by a boy just trying to impress a girl, now long forgotten. _

"_Here you go," Martin softly said as he returned with their drinks. He placed a large glass in front of her, a bowl of peanuts on the table and slide into the seat across from her. _

"_Thanks," She lifted the glass up and took a long drink, the clear liquid burning her throat as it went down. _

"_No problem," He replied as he took a drink of his scotch, watching her carefully. The entire walk to the bar he made small polite conversation about where they should go and giving her an update on the case but now, all useless conversation spent, she knew that he was wondering what she was thinking. She would always see him looking at her as if she were a complicated puzzle he was trying to solve. _

_She brought the drink to her lips and glanced around. She saw that the patrons of the bar were a mix of working class, yuppies who were 'slumming it' and even a few burly men in black leather jackets that read 'Harley Davidson'. Sam watched how those men carried themselves, looking tough and dangerous, and she briefly wondered if they would be impressed by her if she told them that she had killed two men today. _

_Lowering her glass she whispered, "Thanks for coming out with me, Martin. I was going crazy at home. I couldn't seem to sit still." _

_He nodded his head and replied, "I can understand why. It was a…it was a hard day." _

"_Yeah," Sam breathed. She gave him a small lopsided smile before she took another drink and quickly glanced at the men playing darts near the jukebox. _

"_It was a good shoot, Sam." He picked a peanut out of the bowl and cracked the shell. Two small red skinned peanuts fell into the palm of his hand before he popped them into his mouth. "Are you worried about OPR? Because I'm sure between both our reports you will be back in the field in no time."_

"_It's not just OPR, I'm also worried that the other agents are going to think I am…unstable or something." She gave Martin a hard look and said, "I'm not. I did what I needed to do."_

"_And the review will reflect that," Martin assured. _

"_I know. I just don't want… I don't want anyone on the team to think they can't count on me when I'm out in the field." Sam said, relieved that she caught herself before she said the one person she was most worried about was Jack. In spite of it all his approval still meant a lot to her. "It's hard enough being a girl, sorry, I mean woman in the FBI. I don't want to be considered high risk as well." _

_She brought the glass to her lips and swallowed down the rest of her vodka in one fast drink. She put the glass down on the table and pushed it away from her, suddenly feeling very anxious again; her emotions simmering at the surface ready to spill over. _

"_Sam?" Martin softly said and when she looked up his expression was so gentle and sympathetic that she was immediately worried that she was going to break down and cry right here in the middle of this bar in front of him and the entire world. _

"_Yeah," She croaked as he leaned forward and looked her right in the eye. _

"_If I'm ever in trouble I know you're the first person I'd want around to watch my back." His voice was so determined that she knew he was speaking the truth. She gave him a sad smile and could feel tears threaten to fall when his lips curved up into the grin that used to come to him easily as he added, "Even if you are a girl." _

_She laughed. _

XXX_  
_

It was so ironic that Martin told her he trusted her to watch his back but twice since that night he had been there to save hers. And the one time his life was in mortal danger she wasn't even around. Despite herself Sam scoffed bitterly aloud at the irony.

"You okay?" Danny asked as he stood up and walked over to where she sat.

She looked up at him and replied, "I just want to know where he is, that he's okay."

Having learned his lesson from Martin's shooting Danny kept his hands to himself and said, "Sam, we're going to find him. Despite Marty's white boy upbringing he's pretty tough."

She knew he was trying to bring some levity to a tense situation but she just wasn't in the mood for it. She couldn't relax or smile until she was sure that Martin was going to be okay. She tilted her head up towards Danny and began, "I just need him to be home safe and sound. You know the numbers, Danny. After twenty-four hours…."

"Sam, you told me not to go there – now it's your turn. We're going to find him."

She nodded her head solemnly and was about to speak when Elena announced, "Alright, I got something."

Sam spun around in her chair and asked, "What?" She mentally cringed at the level of her voice that was tinged with anxiousness and desperation.

"I got a hit on an alias Nikki used seven years ago: Amelia Caswell." Elena stood up and headed towards Sam's desk. "According to this an Amelia Caswell has a cell phone being billed to an address in Brooklyn."

Sam practically leapt up from her chair and grabbed the piece of paper from Elena's hands. Her eyes quickly scanned the bill to get the address while Danny started putting on his jacket so they could go pay her a visit.

"Hold on chica," Elena said as Sam started towards the door. "It gets better, according to the landlord the apartment is listed under the name Travis Farnsworth. He and a woman have been living there for the last month and they're home right now."

"You're kidding," Danny commented as he neared where the two women stood.

"Alright," Jack said as he stood up and started walking towards them. "Viv, contact local PD and have them meet us there. Be sure to tell them to keep it quiet and not to make a move until I give the say so."

Viv nodded her head as she picked up the phone. "I'm on it."

"Let's go," Jack ordered as he strode purposefully towards the hallway with Elena, Danny and Sam falling into place behind him.

XXX

Sam entered the apartment building and glanced around. The paint on the wall was cracked and peeling and the floor tiles were dingy gray from years of having hundreds of pairs of feet walk across it. She held her hand up to her nose to try and stifle the smell of mold as she crossed the foyer to meet up with Jack and members of NYPD SWAT at the bottom of the stairs.

"Team one in place," Jack quietly said into his wrist mic.

"Team two in place," Danny's voice crackled response.

Jack turned to look at her before starting the ascent up the stairs. They were going to go in the front door while Danny and Elena kept watch on the fire escape. She adjusted the bulky Kevlar vest under her windbreaker as they made their way up the stairs. She wanted to have full range of motion and while she appreciated the protection her vest gave her it wasn't the easiest thing to wear.

It also didn't help that her heart was thundering in her chest as she prayed that they could not only capture Nikki and her accomplice, Travis, but that they would lead them to wherever Martin might be. They reached the landing at the top of the stairs and Jack knocked on the apartment door shouting, "Nikki Wertz – this is the FBI! Open up!"

There was no reply but an unmistakable sound of scuffling and a door being slammed shut. Jack nodded to a member of the SWAT team and the officer battle rammed the door open. The cheap wooden door fell down door to the floor with a crash and all of the officers rushed inside.

Sam's instincts kicked in as she entered and quickly searched the first adjacent room she encountered. She scanned the sparse bedroom and found no one inside. She turned around and shouted, "Clear!"

She heard another officer yell out as well when Jack shouted, "FBI FREEZE! Take another step and I will shoot!"

Sam hurried into the kitchen and saw Nikki halfway out of the window leading to the fire escape. She was wearing a silk robe and no shoes so admitting defeat, she climbed back inside knowing escape was no longer an option. She pulled her robe closer to her and started to speak when Sam heard Danny and Elena shouting below.

Sam hurried to the window in time to see Danny tackle Travis in the alley behind the apartment. Travis was wearing boxer shorts and a white wife beater shirt and was struggling against Danny's hold. Elena kept her gun trained on Travis as Danny pulled him upright and slammed him into the wall to place handcuffs on to his wrists.

Travis looked up and yelled, "Keep your mouth shut, Nikki! They got nothing!"

Sam turned around, bore her eyes into Nikki and said, "He's wrong, Nikki. We got something – we got you."


	11. Chapter 10

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Chapter 10

XXXXXXX

"How do you want to handle this?" Jack asked as he, Sam and Danny stood outside the interview room staring at a now fully clothed Travis Farnsworth sitting at the table. He looked like he didn't have a care in the world.

As soon as Travis and Nikki were arrested they lawyered up and refused to speak to anyone without an attorney present. While Sam would have been happy to beat a confession out of them Jack thought it best to bring them back to the office. So now they each sat in their own interview rooms waiting for their government funded attorneys to show up. However, it seemed their lawyers were running late. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that Viv may have accidentally given them the wrong location as to where they were being held.

Oh well, mistakes happen.

"Let us talk to him," Danny said with a nod towards Sam. He turned back to watch as Travis drummed his fingers on the table. "We started this and we want to finish it."

Jack studied Danny before jutting his chin out and saying, "Get to it."

Sam and Danny entered the interview room and Travis barely moved. He just gave them a smug smile and said, "Can I have a coke? It's hotter than hell in here."

"No," Sam replied curtly, wanting to slap that grin off of his face. She sat down in the chair directly across from him, squared her shoulders and asked, "Where's Martin Fitzgerald?"

Travis furrowed his brows, feigning confusion and asked, "Who?"

Danny was standing behind Travis and she saw his anger flicker across his face at Travis' response. He leaned forward, invading Travis' personal space and placed a firm grip on his shoulder. "He's the guy you and your girlfriend mugged last night."

Travis shrunk into the seat to move away from Danny and said, "I don't know who you're talking about."

Sam slid a photo of Martin across the table and pointed to it. "This is Special Agent Martin Fitzgerald. Look familiar, Travis?"

Travis barely acknowledged the photo before pushing it back to Sam. "Sorry, never seen him."

"Well, that's funny because he was seen with your girlfriend last night."

Travis just shrugged.

"You know what? Maybe we should talk to Nikki," Danny said casually. "She's a pretty girl, Travis. I know I'd be worried if she was stepping out on me. Martin's a handsome guy…"

Travis gave them an amused grin and said, "I know what you are trying to do and it's not going to work."

"Hey, I'm trying to help you out here. Maybe you are innocent and it's all on Nikki." Danny said with a fake smile at Sam. Then he narrowed his eyes at Travis and said, "Of course, maybe she will tell us it was all your idea."

"No. No way," Travis replied, shaking his head. "That bitch would never roll me."

Sam's voice was low as she said, "I don't know of any woman who wouldn't be willing to turn in a boyfriend who calls her a bitch."

Travis worked his jaw and said, "I asked for an attorney, you're not supposed to be asking me questions. I know my rights."

Sam was growing angrier by the minute. She narrowed her eyes at him and said, "Listen, we can match you to the murder five years ago. We're running your prints against those found on a four-by-four used to bash in the head of father of three."

Travis' face went blank and he said, "I want my lawyer."

There was a knock on the door and Danny strode across the room to answer it. From where Sam sat she saw that it was Elena and she was holding an evidence bag. She handed it to Danny and whispered something in his ear when he turned back to glare at Travis. He whispered, "Thanks" to Elena and shut the door.

Danny held the bag behind his back and said, "I'm going to ask you one more time, Travis. Where is Martin Fitzgerald?"

"I already told you, I don't know who in the hell you are talking about."

"Then explain this," Danny ordered as he tossed the evidence bag on the table causing it slide right in front of Travis. Sam immediately recognized what was in the bag and felt her anger rising to the surface. With both his hands on the table, Danny leaned in towards Travis' face giving him a disgusted look. "That's a Rolex and we found it in your apartment. It's a pretty pricey watch for a guy living in a slum apartment in Brooklyn."

Travis sat shock still, realization dawning on him on just how screwed he was. He quickly tried to come up with an explanation and said, "It's a knock-off."

Sam seethed at recognizing the watch Martin's parents gave him as a college graduation gift. She glared at Travis with a look of pure venom and said, "I'll give you twenty to life that the inscription on the back of the watch reads, '_MWF Yale Class of '92_'?"

Danny flipped the bag over and said, "We have a winner." He held the watch in his hands and faced the inscribed watch at Travis. "You got a story to explain why you have the watch of the man you claim you never met?"

All the color drained from Travis' face. "I ain't saying another word until my lawyer gets here."

"You should start talking because now's the time to deal. And this watch is speaking loud and clear. What did you do Travis? You and Nikki plan your little mugging but things got out of hand when you realized he was a federal agent?" Danny's voice grew louder with each word. He pounded his hands on the table and shouted, "Where is he!"

Travis slouched further into his seat and looked down at the table. Shaking his head he said again, "I ain't saying another word without my lawyer."

Danny leapt across the table, grabbing Travis by the shirt and shoving him against the wall, "What did you do to him! Tell me!"

Sam jumped up and tried to pull Danny off when Jack burst into the room and wrapped his arms around Danny's shoulders. "No, Danny! Get off!"

As soon as Travis knew Danny was being restrained his false bravado emerged. He pointed his finger at the agents and shouted, "I'm suing your ass! All of you! This is police brutality!"

Jack shoved Danny towards the open door and turned back to look at Travis and said, "Shut the fuck up or I'll show just how brutal it can get. Sit your ass down!"

Travis returned to his seat and was shaking his head mumbling to himself about how much money he would get from his lawsuit.

Sam followed them out the door and watched as Danny paced the length of the hallway like a feral cat. "He did something, Jack. I can feel it in my gut."

"I know but this guy isn't going to give it up." Jack growled.

An idea occurred to Sam so she looked at Jack and said, "I want to talk to Nikki."

XXXX

Sam entered the interview room where Nikki sat, looking nervous but trying her best to hide it. Sam pulled out the chair across from Nikki, gave her a smile and sat down. She opened up the folder and began, "You have quite an impressive rap sheet, Nikki; petty theft, shoplifting, pan handling, and a long stream of misdemeanors. Travis on the other hand, he doesn't even have a parking ticket on his record."

Nikki shifted in her seat, uncertain just where Sam was going.

"You're not a hard criminal, Nikki." Sam said, trying to sound sympathetic. "This is what I am guessing: Travis has you do all the grunt work. You have to go to the meetings, talk up the guy and then Travis pops up from behind, knocks the guy out and robs him."

Sam could see by the look on Nikki's face that she was on the right track.

"What I don't get is why? I mean, you do all the hard work, take the big risks of being arrested while he just sits by." Sam leaned back and said, "I mean, when we raided your apartment he was down the fire escape before you even had a chance to put your robe on."

Nikki licked her lips and said, "He just got scared. He loves me."

"Yeah, loves you." Sam said sarcastically. "If he loves you so much then why is he in the other room making a deal with the DA telling them it was all you; the plans to mug the men from AA meetings, the murder five years ago and the disappearance of a federal agent." She held up Martin's watch and said, "Remember this? Travis' tells us you were the one who gave it to him when you got home last night."

Nikki's eyes went wide and she quickly replied, "No…he would never…."

"He's rolling on you Nikki. He's making a deal to tell the DA that it is all your idea and he only just found out about your little scheme." Sam could see that her tactic was working because Nikki got a hurt and angry look on her face. "And he can make the case that you were the one who murdered that man five years ago too. You were the one last seen with the victim and your fingerprints were the on the cup at the meeting. For all we know Travis is just the innocent boyfriend…."

"No!" Nikki shouted with the kind of passion only a woman scorned could possibly have. "I'm not taking the fall! It was all his idea, all of it. He's the one who doesn't know when to stop!"

"I believe you, Nikki." Sam replied determinedly. "But I need you to tell me what really happened last night."

Nikki looked up at Sam and licked her lips. "Travis decided that we should only go to the meetings when there is a workshop. You know, where they have a theme or goal – not just a regular meeting."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"At those meetings people tend to share more about themselves. It's easier to pick out the targets…I mean, guys, who are going through something emotional, usually involving a woman so I can play up to it."

XXX

_Unlike Martin's first introductory meeting the group was small and sitting in a circle, forcing everyone to look at one another when they shared. Martin is seated next to Nikki who smiles at him. She is cleaned up and has an air of sweetness and wholesomeness to her. She scans the group which is mostly comprised of men before returning her attention back on David who is leading the discussion. _

"_Thanks for sharing, Rick." David said to a portly balding man who just finished answering the night's topic of discussion. David gave him a small smile before shifting his focus to Martin. "And Martin, can you share with us on why you think you became an addict?"_

_Martin tilted his head and replied, "I don't know, there was the rush, the way it made me feel; like I could conquer the world… but why bother?" _

_There was a spattering of soft laughter as the other people in the group recognized that same feeling. David smiled and said, "Is that it? Or do you think there were other things that factored into it?"_

_Martin took a breath and poked out his tongue as he considered his reply, "Sometimes I try to figure out when exactly I let it get so out of hand, why I needed the pills more and more. I wish I could say that it was just a reaction to my injuries but tonight I think it was something else too." He was wringing his hands together and softly said, "They didn't just make my body feel better but they made all of me feel good. Suddenly the emotional stuff didn't ache as badly as before."_

_David nodded his head and in a voice full of empathy he asked, "What kinds of emotional stuff were you dealing with?" _

_Martin began listing off, "The aftermath from…the accident, getting back to the routine of work, the pressures of not being able to perform like I used to…everyone treating me differently." He paused and took a deep breath. "And then there was my ex…ex whatever she was. Before I got hurt she was angry at me for breaking up with her and even though we had to work together I got used to it. Actually her bitchiness helped me too. It made me feel like I did the right thing by ending it. But when I came back to work she was affectionate again. Suddenly every day there she was, the woman that I fell for in the first place and it made all the feelings rise up again; the heartache, the pain, and worst of all how much I really loved her. But when I took the pills I felt great. Nothing was too bad and nothing was too good. It was just fine all the time." Martin looked up at David and said, "And tonight I really wanted that feeling again."_

_Nikki leaned in and listened as Martin told the group about his being able to resist the temptation of Conrad's prescription, his failed attempts at calling Gavin and Danny and finally what he saw when he pulled up outside of Sam's apartment, "I guess I just realized that I'm not over her and now that I don't have the pills as a crutch...it's just really hard to deal with these feelings again." _

"_Martin, tonight was a real triumph for you," David commented with restrained enthusiasm. "You faced all those obstacles but you still kept your head and came to a meeting. That's real progress." _

"_Yeah, I guess," Martin shrugged and sadly added, "But why do I still feel so bad?" _

XXX

"After the meeting I chatted with him, told him I was going through something similar. He was really nice." Nikki shook her head regretfully and said, "You know most guys stare my chest when they talk to me but him, he looked me right in the eye and really listened."

"And then what happened, Nikki?" Sam asked, trying to contain her fear that what Nikki was about to tell her was not going to be a happy ending.

"Travis told me to have him walk with me towards the subway station on Amsterdam. He was going to be in the alley just around the corner from the community center."

XXX

_Nikki looked ahead and spotted the dumpster in the alley where Travis said he would be waiting. She pulled out her purse and said, "I better make sure I have my MTA pass." _

"_So which school do you teach at?" Martin asked as he tucked his hands in his pockets as they walked. _

"_Oh, I teach at…" Nikki began when she pretended to drop her purse and the contents spilled out. "Sorry, I'm so clumsy sometimes."_

"_I'll get it," Martin offered. He leaned down to pick up her wallet when Travis stepped out of the shadows and clubbed him on the head with a pipe. Martin never even saw him coming. _

_Nikki looked around to make sure no one saw what happened while Travis dragged Martin's limp form into the alley. Once she was sure it was clear she followed him down the dark alleyway. _

_Travis unclasped Martin's watch, took a minute to admire it in the moonlight before smiling at her and saying, "Good job, babe. I think this guy is going to be our lucky ticket." _

_He crouched down and started rifling through Martin's pockets. Nikki stared down at Martin's unconscious and unmoving form. "Why did you have to hit him so hard?"_

"_He looked like he worked out – I didn't want to risk him trying to fight back." Travis replied as he pulled out Martin's wallet and pocketed the cash. He reached into the other breast pocket and pulled out another leather wallet. He opened it up and muttered, "Damn it, Nikki, this guy's with the FBI." _

"_What?" Nikki's asked surprised. _

"_Weren't you paying attention during the meeting when the man mentioned he was an agent!" Travis' voice was dark and accusatory. _

"_He never said anything about being a cop. Honest." Nikki explained, looking down at Martin's still body. She started shaking and in a panicked voice said, "Travis, he doesn't look good…he looks like that guy you hit before…the one who died." _

_Travis stopped his tirade and set his gaze on Martin. He kneeled down next to him and shook him. "Shit. Shit. Shit. This isn't good…" He stood up and ran his hands through his hair. "This guys a federal agent. They aren't going to give up looking for us so easily this time…" _

_Tears started streaming down Nikki's face as she fixed her gaze on Martin. "What are we going to do Travis?" _

"_This guy, he was all depressed right?" Nikki remained still and he grabbed her, shaking her hard. "Focus Nikki! You picked him because he was a sad head case right?" Nikki nodded her head. "I have an idea." He pulled keys out of his jacket and said, "Get the car and bring it back here. I parked it down the street."_

_Nikki held the keys in her hand but didn't move. Travis grabbed her arm and shouted, "Go!" _

_She gave Martin a final look and dashed out of the alley and down the street. _

XXX

"I didn't know what Travis had planned but I got the car and he put…he put Martin in the trunk." Nikk finished; her voice hoarse and jagged through tears.

Sam looked away from Nikki, she was too afraid that she was going to cry as she asked, "And then what happened?" When Nikki didn't reply Sam swallowed and looked back at her. "What did he do with Martin?"

Nikki's eyes were downcast as she said, "He told me that we had to make it seem like a suicide. That people would believe that he would kill himself because of his addiction and being all depressed….so he drove to the docks." Nikki was shaking her head. "I told him not to but he said we had to or we would go to jail."

Sick of hearing Nikki's crying and unable to wait a moment longer Sam stood up and demanded, "What did you do!"

Nikki looked up at her through tears and runny mascara and said, "Travis threw him into the Hudson River."


	12. Chapter 11

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Chapter 11

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The normally desolate dock was now crowded with FBI and NYPD police vehicles and officers. Danny pulled the car to a stop next to a series of shipping cargo storage units and Sam was out of the car before he even had a chance to turn off the ignition. She spotted Jack walking a few yards away so she rushed to get into step alongside him with the sound of Danny's feet behind her hurrying to catch up. Jack glanced at the two of them as he headed to the officer in charge who had just de-boarded one of the water patrol boats.

Jack stopped and asked, "Anything yet?"

"No, I have boats on the water searching downstream where the two bodies of water merge." The officer replied. He had the look of a seasoned veteran with salt and pepper hair and a thick mustache. "There are several private docks around the perimeter so I have K9 units searching the area. We're also preparing to drag the river but with the tide I have to tell you the odds…"

"Just do it." Jack interrupted brusquely as he eyes darted quickly at Sam.

The officer glanced at her but with a nod to Jack he replied, "Whatever you say. I'll send in some divers…"

Sam walked away, unable to hear the details of the search procedure for finding a body in a river. Out of her peripheral vision she could see Nikki sitting in the back seat of Jack's sedan that was being guarded by a uniformed cop. He brought her to the scene in case they needed to question her further. She crouched down low, biting her nails with her wide eyes taking in the scene all around her. After confessing to what she and Travis did they had her tell them exactly where Travis tossed Martin's body into the water and sent in units to conduct a search. A search that was problematic since the area Travis selected was an abandoned manufacturing plant where he once worked which also happened to be right where the Hudson River spilled into New York Harbor.

XXX

"_Jack and Viv are on their way to the repair shop." Martin commented as he pocketed his cell phone after calling Jack to tell him that there may be a connection from the kidnapping to something one a repair worker may have found on Ben Palmer's yacht. "He wants us to head back to the office."_

"_Okay," Sam replied as she and Martin walked along the pier to head back to their car. She saw him admiring several of the boats they passed and said, "You seem right at home around these yachts."_

_He smiled and shook his head, "If you were Danny I might think you were getting ready to make some rich kid joke." _

"_If the silver spoon fits," Sam quipped as he gave her a look of amused annoyance. She smiled and added, "I just meant that you seemed comfortable here, that's all." _

_He gave her a soft look and said, "Yeah, I spent a lot of time out on the ocean and lakes. I had a friend in college whose father had a sailboat. We would take it out just about every weekend. I love being out on the water." She nodded her head and he turned to look at her. "What about you?"_

"_I've never been sailing." Sam replied._

_Martin shook his head as he laughed and said, "I meant do you like the water?" _

"_Oh," Sam said as they reached the car. She looked at him wearing through her shades and said, "I love the beach. Does that count?" _

"_No," He waggled his eyebrows and finished, "But I'll accept it since you gave me a mental picture of you in a bikini." _

_She laughed and replied, "Yeah, well, just make sure you have me wearing sunscreen."_

_He held up his hand, closed his eyes and said, "Okay but this could take some time…" _

XXX

She was so lost in her thoughts that she was taken off guard when someone bumped into her.

"Excuse me," a young officer apologized as he helped steady her. "Sorry, I was just in a rush to take a leak...sorry, I mean…"

"It's alright," Sam said, mentally sizing him up as being about 23-years old and fresh out of the academy. She nodded her head and motioned for the rookie officer to continue past her.

Sam finally reached the edge of the pier and watched as the boats from the Coast Guard and NYPD water patrol sailed along the river and harbor, their lights searching the water's surface. Across the river she could make out flashing police lights where Viv and Elena were coordinating the search along the opposite shore. She hunched her shoulders and rubbed her arms. Despite the unseasonably warm weather Sam felt a chill that went straight to her bones.

She turned around and saw Jack and Danny talking to the divers who were nodding their heads as Jack pointed to areas of the water. Danny looked over at where she stood and she shrank under his sorrowful gaze, forcing herself to look away. They hadn't even found a body and he was already mourning. She walked down the wooden steps and moved down to the waters edge, the heels of her boots sinking into the moist dirt and rocks. He was here; she could feel deep in her gut. Sam sped up her pace and maneuvered herself around police officers who were talking about the odds of survival in the frigid temps of the heavily polluted river. She tuned them out because they didn't know what she knew: Martin was alive. There is no way he could be dead. Not after everything he had overcome in the last year, no God would be that cruel. Her eyes scanned the rocks along the shore for any type of clue but the mist from the water made visibility incredibly difficult.

"Sam!"

She could hear Danny shouting her name but her body refused to turn around, she had to keep going, keep looking. She took a few more steps and cursed the fog filtering in off of the water for blurring her vision.

"SAM!" Danny shouted again when she felt someone grab her arm.

She tried to tug free but his grip was too tight. "Let go of me!"

"Sam," Danny said gently.

She stopped trying to wrestle free of his grasp and stood still looking straight ahead at the moonlight glistening off of the water. That's when she realized that the fog wasn't to blame for her blurred vision; it was the tears that finally started to spill down her cheeks. She shook her head and in a halting voice said, "No, don't say it."

"You know the odds…" Danny began.

She exhaled audibly, trying to steady her nerves. She wiped her eyes with her fingers, spun around to face him, and said, "Yeah, I do but…I just know that he couldn't be gone." Danny lowered his eyes as if he was preparing to argue with her and she added, "I can't explain it but I know I'm right."

He looked up and opened his mouth to speak when someone shouted. They both turned to find the source of the cries. Sam looked to a narrow space between two storage units and saw the rookie she bumped into early looking frenzied as he shouted, "HERE! I need medics quick!"

Sam ran as fast as her legs could take her and turned the corner around a storage unit to where a small crowd had formed.

"I just came here to take a piss and there he was…" the rookie explained to another officer standing next to him.

They were all standing around in a small circle and looked over at her as she approached. A few officers moved aside to give Sam access and her breath caught in her throat at the sight before her: Martin lying on his side, dried blood along his hairline and his left eye swollen shut. His skin was pale white and she might have believed he was dead if his lips weren't moving. She quickly knelt down next to him and cradled his head in her lap.

"…no…but I don't wan…Sa…miss…" Martin mumbled.

"It's alright, Marty." She held him to her and whispered, "I have you now."


	13. Chapter 12

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Chapter 12

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"Here, this might help." Danny said as he handed Sam a bottle of water and placed two small pills in her hand.

"Thanks," She replied softly as he sat down across from her. She swallowed the Tylenols and put the bottle on the floor next to her feet as she leaned back and rubbed the back of her neck. She had never felt more achy and weary in her life.

She heard doors open and looked over hoping it was Martin's mother or father only to see a nurse casually walk past carrying a plastic bowl full of salad. Sam closed her eyes and slouched back into her seat, her mind still reeling from the night's events. While the EMTs worked on Martin she talked with Danny and Jack as they tried to figure out how he ended up out of the water and in the alley of storage units. They deduced that judging by where he was found he must have regained consciousness as soon as he hit the water and was able to swim to shore. However, his head wound must have made him disoriented so he mistook the shipping containers for buildings and got lost in the maze of storage units before finally collapsing.

Once the EMTs had him stable he was rushed to the hospital were the ER doctors made quick work of treating his head injury. She made sure that she could stay with him for as long as possible until the doctors finally told her that since she wasn't immediate family she would have to go wait in the lobby. That hurt. Of course, considering that when they found him he was delirious from a high fever she wasn't sure if he even knew she was there.

Danny leaned forward, with his elbows on his thighs and his legs spread wide. He clasped his hands and looked around. "Where'd the Fitzgerald's go?"

"Martin's been moved to his own room." Sam replied as she tried to get comfortable in the hard chair. "They're in there now."

Danny nodded his head and said, "They took the news better than I thought."

"Yeah, I guess." Sam nodded her head noncommittally. She didn't know which was harder: telling Martin's parents that he had been mugged and left for dead or that he was targeted because he had been attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. The look of disappointment on their faces made her feel like a failure and she immediately understood why Martin had avoided telling them.

"What do you mean by 'I guess'?" Danny asked as he angled his face to try and meet her eyes. "You think they were just fronting?"

"I don't know." She mumbled, trailing off. "Maybe I'm just tired…"

"I'm sure it was just a shock for them to hear." Danny rationalized. He balled up his fist and propped his chin on it. "I know I was shocked."

"Agent Spade," a low tenor voice beckoned.

She looked over and spotted Victor Fitzgerald walking towards them. "Director Fitzgerald, how is he?"

Victor gave her a small forced smile and said, "He's asleep right now but his mother is making arrangements to stay the night to monitor things. Visiting hours are almost over so you can go in and see him if you'd like."

"Good, thank you." She replied as she stood up trying to stifle her annoyance at Martin's mother for taking over the vigil spot that should be occupied by her.

Victor was about to turn away when he paused and said, "Um, I wanted to thank you both for everything. I'm sure it was hard for you to tell us about Martin's…..situation." He paused and licked his lips. "So thank you. My son is very fortunate to have friends like you." He gave them a quick nod and turned around and walked back down the hall.

Sam and Danny exchanged curious looks at Victor referring to Martin's addiction as a 'situation' but neither voicing a reaction to it. She picked up the jacket she had discarded earlier and started moving out of the lobby but stopped when she realized that Danny wasn't following her.

She gave him a curious look and asked, "Aren't you coming?"

Danny grinned and shook his head, "Nah, I'd rather not be around to see you get all mushy."

"He's asleep." She started to argue before deciding he was right so she just shook her head and muttered, "Wait here. I'll be right back. I'm just going to make sure he's alright."

"Okay," Danny replied.

She quietly entered the dimly lit hospital room and ran her eyes over Martin's sleeping form. The light from the nurses lobby and the window caused angular shadows to play over his face, making his swollen eye and the bruise on his cheek seem that much more dark and painful.

She moved to sit next to him, suppressing the familiar anguish she felt as she had an instant flash of déjà vu to the last time she visited Martin in the hospital. She reached over to hold his hand and breathed a sigh of relief at his warm touch.

She had so many thoughts running through her head that she wanted to tell him. How much she cared about him, worried about him, wanted him. But she didn't say anything aloud because she was certain that the next time she professed something deeply emotional to him she wanted him to be awake to hear it.

XXX

The next evening Sam strode purposefully down the hallway of the hospital with a takeout bag in one hand and diet soda in the other. She wanted to come see him first thing this morning but a case delayed her visit to an early evening. So she picked up some of his favorite take-out and decided to make it an impromptu dinner date. It took some maneuvering but she called his mom to make sure they would be out having their own dinner so she could get Martin to herself.

His door was closed so she pushed it open slowly and saw that he was napping. She quietly made her way over to the chair next to his bed and placed the plastic bag on the table next to him. She was about to sit down when Martin shifted and rolled to face her. He blinked at the sight of her, looking unsure if he was dreaming or awake.

"Hey," she whispered as a slow smile crept onto her face.

"Hi," he replied as he scooted himself into a sitting position. She reached over to help him by adjusting his pillows. Once he was settled she stepped back and stifled a gasp when she noticed his eye. The swelling in his eye had diminished but where the whites of his eyes should have been there was angry red; the blood vessels having been popped from the blunt force of the hit in the face. Martin must have noticed her reaction because he smiled and said, "Don't worry. It looks worse than it feels."

Not wanting to put her foot in her mouth she tried to recover by holding up the Styrofoam package and happily saying, "I remember you telling me how much you disliked hospital food so I brought you your favorite cheeseburger."

"Thanks. That was really thoughtful." He said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

Her heart dropped at seeing his less than enthused reaction. She placed it back on the tray in front of him and sat down. She could feel tension rise in the room and she wasn't quite sure just why. The room became still and wanting to fill the silence that was threatening to suffocate them she said, "Sorry I couldn't come by earlier but we got an early morning case."

"Yeah, I called Jack a little while ago and he told me." He glanced at her with heavy lidded eyes and said, "He said you and Viv found the kid at his friend's house playing video games."

"Yeah, his parents were so mad they said he is going to be grounded for the rest of his life." She replied with a grin, hoping to get one from him in return but he just made a sound that she guessed was supposed to be a laugh. She was so excited to come here to see him and the last thing she expected is he would be so…so….miserable. She clasped her hands and put them between her knees. "No one blames you for what happened, Martin."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me." He replied with a shrug and a nod.

"It wasn't your fault." She said again with more conviction.

He met her eyes before turning his focus to his lunch that was getting colder by the minute. "I know, Sam."

"Then what is it? Talk to me." She pleaded.

With his eyes on the container he ran his fingers along the edge, digging his nail into the side of the white box making a scratch mark. "I just didn't think I'd be back here again."

"I know what you mean," she replied. She hated being in the hospital and just the thought of having to do it again made her cringe. "But it's different this time. This stay is going to be much shorter than the last one. Your doctor said you are clear to go home tomorrow."

"That's not what I meant." He shook his head and with a voice as soft as a whisper he said, "The doctor came in earlier and offered to give me a prescription for some painkillers. You know, for the pain in my head. It was a new doctor so I guess he didn't know about me and my history."

"And did you take it?" Sam asked, her voice trembling.

"No," Martin glanced out the window and whispered, "but…"

"But this is a good thing. You were strong, you…"

"No, I wasn't. I had to turn him down because my parents were in the room, Sam." He worked his jaw and shook his head. "I wanted the pills. I wanted them so badly…"

She sat there stunned as she felt the earth move under feet. She scrambled for something to say, needing to comfort him, "Martin, your recovery will take some time. You've only been in NA for a few months…"

He shook his head and said, "NA isn't enough. Not anymore."

She stood up and started pacing at the foot of his bed, stealing glances at Martin who was studying her reaction. She wished Danny was here right now. He would understand where Martin was coming from and how to help him. "You have to be patient, Martin. It took time for your wounds to heal and it's going to take time for the cravings to…"

He paused a moment and with his gaze towards the window he said, "I gave Jack my resignation."

Sam squared her shoulders and repeated, "You resigned?"

"I tried," Martin turned back to face her. "Jack told me he wouldn't accept it so he's going to arrange for me to take a sabbatical. He said with Elena there is enough coverage to be down one team member so I can take however much time I need."

Her mind was reeling and the only response she could come up with was, "Why?"

Martin lowered his head and swallowed. "Last night when I was lying there, thinking that I was going to die I felt….I felt relieved. It was a relief to know that I wouldn't have to worry anymore, hurt anymore, or have to deal with it all."

"Martin, I told you: you can talk to me, tell me anything."

His eyes bore into her and he looked like he wanted to tell her something. She waited but he just quickly looked away and said, "I know but there are some things that you can't help me with."

"I, uh, I don't know what to say." She breathed. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to focus on his words. "So what does this mean?"

"It means I need to get away and clear my head, figure things out."

She folded her arms and asked, "Where are you going?"

"There is a treatment center in Northern California that is supposed to be extremely confidential." He pushed the take-out carton away from him and continued, "My parents arranged it so I am sure it is."

"California?" Sam walked to the window and glanced out at the city outside. Below the city traffic whizzed below, life was moving rapidly all around her just when she wanted it to be still. Even though she was facing away from him she could see him in the reflection in the window. He looked translucent as if he were already disappearing from her life. "That's really far away."

"That's the appeal." He said and she could see him shifting in his bed. "I need to get out of the city and as far away from everything and everyone as possible."

Sam took a breath and turned around to face him. "Even me?"

He looked back at her with his deep blue depths and softly whispered, "Especially you."


	14. Chapter 13

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_You could have it all  
my empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
if I could start again  
a million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way_

_- Nine Inch Nails, 'Hurt'_

XXXXXXX

Part III

XXXXXXX

_Three days ago…_

Sam was carrying a file in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other as she headed towards the bullpen. Through the glass windows she spotted Danny and Elena seated at the conference table talking, their shoulders close together and his head bent low near hers. He must have said something funny because she laughed and shook her head. From where Sam stood she could see Elena roll her eyes trying to look annoyed even though the bemused look on her face gave her away. She knew that there was something budding between the two attractive Latino agents but resisted the urge to warn them against starting anything. While she had been burned twice by office relationships she also knew that if given the chance, she would still do it all over again.

She paused and looked at the plastic black lid on her store bought coffee. She hadn't seen Martin since that day in the hospital when he told her that he was going to a treatment facility across the country far away from New York City – and her. Just when she thought he couldn't hurt her anymore than he had the day he broke up with her, it felt ten times worse to hear him tell her that the she was the person he most needed to get away from.

XXX

"_Especially me?" Sam repeated, stunned. When Martin hadn't answered, she stepped closer to his bed and asked again for clarification. "Now's not the time to clam up, Martin. Why 'especially me'? What am I doing that you feel the need to move across the country just to get away from me?" _

_With a guilty look on his face he replied, "I'm not moving permanently."_

"_Spare me the semantics." Sam interjected. She looked back out the window as she tried to process his words. She couldn't believe that he would tell her this, given all they had been through together. She was there for him when he was in the hospital, helped him ease back into the routine at work, supported him as he went through NA and now he wants to get as far away from her as possible without actually crossing an ocean. She was gearing up for a fight when a thought suddenly crossed her mind. Over her shoulder she asked, "Does this have anything to do with the guy you saw at my apartment?" _

"_Maybe part of it, yeah." Martin admitted_

"_I'm not dating him. He's Kate's new boyfriend. They came over last night because she wanted to celebrate winning a big case." Sam explained, hoping that this revelation might help bridge the ever increasing gap between them. His expression was blank as he just started at her so she continued, "I'm not seeing anyone, Martin. I haven't, not since you." _

"_Oh," Martin's eyes scanned over her face before lowering his head. He flicked the tab on the Styrofoam container holding his now cold lunch. He shook his head before saying, "It doesn't matter, Sam. You will move on eventually and you should. I just want to be able to, too." _

_She blew out a frustrated breath and said, "You want to move on…no wait, you not only want to move on but you also want to move away from me?" _

_Martin licked his lips and folded his arms across his chest. In a voice filled with tender sadness he whispered, "Not exactly like that, but yes." _

_She stiffened at his words and looked out the window at the tall granite buildings across the city. "I don't believe this is happening to me again."_

"_This isn't just about you, Sam. At least not directly; this is about me too." Martin argued. In the reflection she could see him run his hand over his face and hair before resting it on the back of his neck. "I…I just need to deal with some stuff." _

_She wanted to argue back, to say something profound to either change his mind or hurt him back but no thoughts or words would form. She saw the door to his room open and a doctor entered with a nurse asking Martin how he was doing and starting to take his vitals. Sam stole a glance at Martin as they examined him, who, with his eyes on her back, cleared his throat and told them he was fine. _

_They watched each other reflections in the glass panes as the doctor checked Martin's head wound completely oblivious to their silent exchange. Sam could tell by the resolute look on his face that there was nothing more to say so she broke her gaze and wordlessly exited the room. _

_He didn't try to stop her. _

XXX

Sam's heart clenched beneath her ribs at the memory of hers and Martin's last encounter; the hurt as raw as it was that day. She brought the coffee to her lips and drank up the last of the creamy brown beverage. As she swallowed she could feel eyes on her and saw Danny and Elena watching her with curious expressions. She gave them a small smile and moved inside the bullpen, tossing the paper cup in a nearby trashcan.

"Hey," she greeted as she approached the table.

"Hey," Danny replied as his eyes followed her. "Jack is on his way. We have a new case."

"He told you it was a new case?" Sam asked, puzzled. Danny nodded his head so as she sat down she added, "He told me to pull Andy Deaver's old case file."

"Why?" Danny asked, leaning forward with a confused look on his face.

"Who's Andy Deaver?" Elena asked through her thick accent.

Danny turned to face her and started to relay the gruesome details, "It was a pedophile case from about five years ago. A headmaster of a private school, Graham Spaulding, had been molesting a teenager name Andy Deaver. When Andy tried to leave, Spaulding held him hostage and would have most likely murdered him if Jack hadn't tricked him into confessing."

Elena leaned back in her chair and asked, "Where's Spaulding now? Could he be after Andy again, finish what he started?"

"No, he's dead." Sam replied as she tapped her pen on the manila folder. Elena raised her eyebrows in a silent plea for more information so she explained, "Spaulding had been released on the grounds that he was denied an attorney. A few months later, he started to copy cat a serial killer that Jack had arrested. He was fixated on Jack for being able to out smart him. Spaulding thought that reenacting the murders was a great way to torment Jack, a method of stalking him. Eventually though, Jack confronted him and after a struggle he fell out of apartment window to his death."

Danny looked at Sam and asked, "Why do you think Jack asked you to pull the file?"

Sam looked over to see Jack and Viv walking in their direction and said, "I don't know but you can ask him yourself."

Danny waited until they were close enough so he wouldn't have to shout and asked, "Jack, what's going on?"

Sam's concern grew when she saw Viv's solemn expression as she sat down opposite of her.

Jack sat down at the head of the table and began, "I got a call from Barbara Deaver, Andy's mom. He's been missing for almost two days."

"That's not very long," Elena commented. "Any chance his mom just overreacting because of his history?"

Jack's face registered a small bit of surprise that Elena was aware of Andy's past but he just shook his head and continued, "I don't think so. She said that he had been checking in with her every day for the last two months since he got out of rehab."

Danny glanced at Sam before asking Jack, "What was he in rehab for?"

"Heroine addiction," Jack replied. He clasped his hands and placed them on the desk. "She said that he hit rock bottom a few months ago and she forced him into rehab. She thought it was taking when he disappeared."

"Are we thinking that maybe he relapsed and is just holed up somewhere?" Sam asked.

"That's what we're going to find out." Jack answered. He scratched his hairline and said, "But I think considering our unique history with Andy we need to do everything we can to help find him. Danny and Elena, I want you to go check out his apartment and see what you can turn up." He reached over and plucked the file from Sam and handed it to Elena, "I was going to have you review this so you would know the history but since you're already up to date it at least this has a photo of Andy." Elena took the folder and gave him a mock salute before heading to her desk to grab her jacket. "Viv, since you already have a history with her I want you to go talk to his mom." As the others stood up and started gathering their things he leaned towards Sam and softly said, "I need to talk to you in my office."

She gave him an uneasy glance. "Okay."

Jack stood up and headed to his office with her trailing behind. Danny mouthed "what's up?" but she just shrugged her shoulders, unsure just why Jack would need to talk to her in private. When they reached his office he walked in ahead of her and she closed the door before sitting down.

"What's going on?" She asked.

Jack sat down in his big leather chair and eyed her carefully. "Did Martin ever discuss Andy Deaver with you?"

"You mean outside the investigation?" Sam asked curiously. Jack nodded his head noncommittally. She shook her head and cocked an eyebrow, "No. Why? What's this about?"

"Barbara Deaver didn't just call her wanting help finding Andy; at least not directly. She called looking for Martin. Since he's still on sabbatical the operator transferred her to me." Jack rubbed his chin and continued, "She said she thought Martin could help."

"Why Martin?" Sam asked, genuinely confused. Jack and Martin had equal involvement in the case.

"It seems that after Spaulding was released Martin contacted them saying he just wanted to make sure they were doing alright, see if they needed anything. I'm guessing he felt….guilty for how the trial went." Jack explained; his gaze on the calendar on his desk. "She said after that he would just check in once in awhile. After Spaulding died he hooked them up with a lawyer to sue his estate in a civil case that was settled out of court. They got a pretty nice settlement." Sam sat there dumbstruck that he would do all of that and never even tell her. Jack rested both his elbows on his chair and said, "He never mentioned any of this to you?"

"No," Sam replied as she sighed aloud.

"Alright, I just thought I'd ask before I talked to him."Jack said as he reached over and opened his desk drawer.

"You're going to California?"

He smiled, amused and said, "As tempting as it is to go west I thought I'd just try the telephone." He pulled out an address book and started flipping through the pages as she sat there feeling ridiculous. He stopped on a page and picked up his desk phone. He dialed and gave Sam a small smile as the phone rang. "Hello, I'm Special Agent Jack Malone. I need to speak with Martin Fitzgerald."

Sam sat there waiting along with Jack, her stomach churning knowing that Martin was going to be on the other end of the line. An image of him appeared in her mind and her pulse quickened. She noticed Jack watching her and not wanting to appear overanxious she pretended to try and straighten a crease in her pants.

"Excuse me?" Jack asked. She looked up and saw him furrow his brow as he concentrated on what the person on the other end of the line was telling him. He glanced at Sam and asked, "When? Did he say where? I see, well, thank you."

He hung up the phone and Sam asked, "What?"

"The director said that Martin checked out." Jack replied, his voice low and even. "She said that he has been back in New York for almost three weeks."


	15. Chapter 14

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Chapter 14

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"Shit." Martin mumbled under his breath as he watched the little white ball bounce off the black mesh netting. After getting shot and knocked down a flight of stairs he still didn't know which result pissed him off more: getting addicted to painkillers or the affect it had on his golf swing. He ran a hand through his hair that was in desperate need of a haircut. He hadn't bothered getting a haircut since the day he entered rehab. It felt good to just let that one little detail go, even shaving had become optional. He swung again and while the ball didn't slice it didn't make much distance either. He had been working on his game since he came home but had only seen a slight improvement.

He knew that he should call someone from the team to let them know he was back in town. He practiced the conversation with his therapist at the treatment center but it seemed when it actually boiled down to it, he still couldn't shake the embarrassment of not only being a recovering addict but being a federal agent who allowed himself to be duped by a couple of muggers and left for dead. There is no treatment center for dealing with that kind of shame. So, each morning when he thought about calling someone, he would rationalize that they were probably busy on a case and not wanting to be a bother, he busied himself until it would be a better time to call and before he knew it, the day somehow managed to get away from him. Later that night he would then decide it was too late to call and put it off until the following day. A pattern he repeated frequently until so much time had passed he didn't know how to explain his delay in making contact so he just started avoiding it altogether.

To fill up all of his new found free time he became a frequent visitor to Chelsea Piers, the huge sports and recreation complex that was at one time four abandoned west-side piers. The facility offered a huge range of sports activities and was so vast and large there was even a film studio where the popular TV show, _Law and Order_, was filmed. He could easily wile away the days rock climbing, playing basketball, swimming, or as was the case today, futilely attempting at improving his swing at the state-of-the-art golf range.

He liked coming here because it was safe; the odds of him running into anyone from the bureau were minimal during a work-day. He had made a few friends here who knew very little about his personal life and even less about his past. He enjoyed the anonymity where he could chat up some of the other golfers, maybe share a beer or pizza at The Chelsea Brewing Company while watching a game and then just go home. No one ever pressured him about how his rehabilitation was going, look at him with pity or curiosity. Here he was just a guy who liked to play and talk sports.

He took a deep breath of the fresh salty air, steadied his stance, swung, and sliced – again. He heard snickering behind him and he looked over at the next stall and saw Lewis, another golfer, grinning mischievously.

"You know what Hank Aaron said about golf?" Lewis asked as the computerized tee popped a golf ball up from under the floor of artificial turf. Martin didn't know the man very well but they had become friends of sorts from their shared love/hate relationship with the sport.

"What did he say?" Martin asked over his shoulder, happy for the distraction from his lousy game.

"Hank said, 'It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.'"

Martin turned around to fully face Lewis, cocked an eyebrow and asked, "That supposed to make me feel better?"

"Doesn't it? Aaron was a sports legend and you're just some government employee. If he couldn't master golf why kick yourself if you can't?" Lewis replied, his sarcasm unmistakable. He got into stance, casually swung, and knocked the ball a good 180-yards. With a grin as big and wide as the Cheshire cat he added, "But then again…"

"Now you're just showing off." Martin growled before replying, "You know what Howard Keel said? 'The only way to enjoy golf is to be a masochist. Go out and beat yourself to death."

Lewis laughed and Martin turned back around to focus on his own game. He tilted his head back and forth and shook his shoulders loose trying to relax. He gripped the shaft and swung again, this time he smacked the ball right to the end of the pier; a distance of 200 yards. It thrilled him to know that if he were on a real golf course it probably would have gone much further. Laughing and smiling victoriously he spun around to rub it in Lewis' face. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped in his tracks when he spotted two familiar figures near the entrance headed straight for him: one was a stocky, dark haired man and the other a gorgeous blonde with an irritated look on her face.

"Uh-oh," Martin uttered under his breath.

"Wow. That was totally pure…" Lewis said with a little bit of awe at Martin's shot.

He nodded his head not really listening, his eyes fixed on the pair of agents. Jack wore his ubiquitous serious expression whereas Sam's face was like a stone wall behind the dark lenses of her sunglasses. In that instant he knew he was in double deep shit for not only what he told her before he left but for being back in town for almost a month and still not talking to her. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lewis watching him curiously so he quickly excused himself and walked up to meet them halfway.

As Jack neared, he jutted his chin towards the golf range and in a friendly voice asked, "So is this part of your therapy?"

Martin gave him a sheepish smile, rubbed his hand on his stubble covered jaw and replied, "I guess you can say that."

Jack shook his head and said, "I don't know, from what I've heard golf usually drives people toward drinking and drugs."

"Well, I'll deal with one addiction at a time I guess." Martin laughed lightly. He glanced at Sam who lips were sealed so tightly they were almost white. She gave him a terse nod as a way of greeting which he returned with a small grin. He had seen her angry plenty of times but it never felt good to be on the receiving end; particularly when he knew it was his fault that she felt that way. He swallowed his guilt and said to Jack, "I'm guessing you're not here for golf lessons."

Squaring his shoulders Jack said, "Andy Deaver is missing."

"When? How long?" Martin asked shakily, as a mental picture of Andy entered his mind.

"Almost two days." Jack replied evenly.

"Do you have any leads?"

"Nothing yet, his mom reported him missing but so far nothing indicates foul play." He folded his arms across his broad chest and with a fixed gaze said, "His mom told us about your history with them."

"She did?" He said, suddenly feeling nervous although he didn't know why. His relationship with Andy and his mom was no against regulations or inappropriate. It's just he was still essentially a rookie at that point and he hated the thought that someone could get away with doing that to an innocent kid. He wanted to help any way he could and maybe it was also because while he wasn't directly responsible, he ultimately agreed with Jack's method of getting information from Spaulding.

"Yeah, it's nice to hear that you were looking out for their well being. It's a good thing." Jack praised as he uncrossed his arms and put his hands in his pockets. "When was the last time you saw Andy?"

Martin tried to remember but it felt like a lifetime ago. "Um, I guess it was about a year and a half ago. He was applying to college and asked me to write a letter of recommendation for him."

XXX

_Martin entered the crowded Upper West Side restaurant, scanning the patrons for the young man's face. He had never been to Edgar's Café which was named for the famed poet and writer, Edgar Allen Poe who used to reside at this address. It was modernly decorated and a portrait of the long deceased author hung on the wall. It was eerie because it seemed like Poe's eyes could follow one wherever they went. The ceiling was vaulted in unusual angular shapes and painted like flames with the beams underneath exposed; a homage to Poe's, The Tell Tale Heart. If it weren't so kitschy it would be quite nerve wracking. _

_He moved past yuppies scrambling for lunch on the fly when he spotted Andy sitting at a small table in the corner. He was staring at a painting of a raven on the wall next to him and looked lost in thought. As Martin headed towards him he was slightly surprised to find that in the three years since the original case, Andy looked almost exactly the same: lanky with dark brown hair, timid eyes behind wiry glass frames, and achingly introverted. In spite of himself, he couldn't help but think that Andy would always carry the look of a victim. _

"_Nevermore," Martin said in a crackling impression of a bird. Andy jolted back, startled. "Sorry, I just saw you looking at the painting and I was mimicking the Poe poem, The Raven. I didn't mean to surprise you."_

"_Um, oh, it's okay." Andy stood up and held out his hand. "It's good to see you, Agent Fitzgerald."_

"_It's good to see you too Andy, but I told you to call me Martin." He replied as they shook hands. _

"_Right, sorry. It's good to see you, Martin." Andy quietly apologized before sitting back down. _

_Wanting to ease the awkwardness he helped create, Martin sat down and picked up a menu. "I've never been here before. What do you recommend?" _

_Andy's mannerism softened and he said, "The Focaccia Toasted sandwich is really good but it's the desserts that are really great, especially the tiramisu." _

"_Sounds like my kind of place." Martin replied with a smile. _

_After the waitress took their orders the two men made small conversation about nothing in particular. Martin asked Andy about sports to which the young man knew almost nothing about. The topics then drifted to movies and music but they could find no common ground between them. _

"_So, the weather has been really warm lately," Martin commented as he took a drink of his iced tea. It was his last desperate attempt at conversation. _

"_Yeah, it's been hot." Andy replied as he fiddled with the straw in his soda. _

"_If I didn't have to wear a suit everyday to work I'd be walking around in shorts and t-shirts." He commented, trying to milk the topic for all it was worth. He pointed to Andy's long sleeve flannel shirt that was buttoned up all the way to the top and said, "You must be roasting in that outfit." _

_Andy tugged nervously at his collar and said, "Um, no, I'm fine. I'd rather be warm than cold." _

_Martin immediately regretted bringing it up as the memory of finding Andy at Coleman Caves entered his mind. His young body, cold, battered and bruised by Spaulding. He should have known that Andy would consider his clothing as a type of armor; concealing his shame and protecting him from unwanted scrutiny. _

_Thankfully the waitress appeared with their lunch, blessedly shattering the moment. _

_Martin took a bite of his sandwich, the savory cheeses melting in his mouth. The two men chewed in silence for a few beats when Martin finally asked, "So, on the phone you said you wanted to have lunch because there was something you wanted to ask me."_

"_Oh yeah," Andy moved his salad around with his fork and quietly said, "I'm applying to NYU and I need some letters of recommendation. My mom home schooled me for the two years after…," he trailed off. He paused and stared at the mixed greens on his plate. "Anyway, I didn't have a chance to really get to know any of my teachers during my senior year and I thought a letter of recommendation from someone in the FBI might be helpful."_

"_You want me to write a letter of recommendation for you?" _

_Andy dropped his fork on the table, looked up and said, "Never mind, I told my mom it was a stupid idea. They would only ask how I know you and…forget it. I don't even know why I am bothering with college. It's my mom's idea." _

"_I'd be happy to do it. And don't worry, all they need to know is that we're friends. That's it." Martin replied. He smiled assuredly and finished, "And your mom's right, college is a great idea. University's are a great place to figure out what you want to do – or at the very least, what you don't want to do." _

_Andy lowered his head and nodded slightly. He picked up his fork again and skewered a piece of chicken. "That's what everyone keeps telling me."_

"_That's because it's true." He said with a grin. He leaned in and in a conspiratorial voice said, "Besides, it's a great place to meet girls." _

_Andy glanced at him quickly before returning his gaze to his lunch. He shifted in his seat and in an unsure voice whispered, "Yeah, I hear that too." _

XXX

"I sent the letter and he called me a few months later to tell me he was accepted." Martin finished.

"So you didn't sense anything was off with him?" Jack asked as he glanced at Sam who was uncharacteristically quiet. "Strange behavior, etc."

"Andy's hard to read after all he's been through but nothing seemed unusual. Why?"

Jack blew out a breath and said, "His mom said he was a heroine addict. He had just done a stint in rehab two months ago."

Martin felt like he was just punched in the chest as all the air whooshed out of his lungs. He moved to the white bench against the wall and sat down. He rested his elbows on his thighs and cradled his head in his hands. "He called me in January but we just played phone tag and I let it go. I was too preoccupied with my own problems…"

Jack cleared his throat and said, "Don't beat yourself up about it. We all do the best we can. Do you have any ideas about where he might have gone? Favorite hangouts, etc."

"No, I didn't really know him beyond the random phone call just to check in." Martin replied. He couldn't believe that Andy had gone missing for the second time. He looked up and said, "I want to work the case."

"I don't know if that is such a good idea." Jack replied, eyeing him warily. "Are you sure you're ready to come back?"

"Yes." Martin's voice was determinedly. He knew that even if Jack said no he would conduct his own investigation but he'd rather work with the team. "He was trying to reach out to me and I failed him. I need to be the one to find him now."

Jack wavered for a beat before finally nodding and replying, "Okay, but I will pull you off if I think it's too much too soon."

"I understand." Martin agreed just as Jack's cell phone rang and he excused himself, walking away to answer it. He waited until Jack was out of earshot before chancing at look at Sam. She refused to look directly at him, instead focusing on the sign behind him. He noticed that a long strand of her hair had become intertwined in the gold hoop earring on her right ear. He resisted the urge to fix it, fearing if he got that close to her she would knee him in the groin. So he just gave her an uneasy smile and said, "I'm sorry I haven't called or anything."

She shrugged her shoulders and folded her arms across her chest. "Well, you obviously have more important things to do."

He worked his jaw, knowing that he had that coming to him. "Okay, I deserved that. I know I have should have called but I just didn't know what to say and then I put it off and time got away from me." The expression on her face "I just wanted to avoid weirdness. You know, like we're having now."

She shot him a warning look before releasing a frustrated sigh. He waited for her to say something, anything but she just stood there; waves of anger and frustration rolling off of her petite frame.

Unable to take it a moment longer he asked, "So is this how it's going to be? Are you not talking to me now?"

She narrowed her eyes at him and said, "What do you want me to say Martin? The last time we talked you said you had to get away from me."

He released an audible sigh and said, "I'm sorry about that but I tried to tell you that it wasn't about you exactly. I had to figure some things out and I needed distance to give me some perspective." He answered, omitting that one of the central things he needed to sort out was the way he felt about her. "I didn't mean to hurt you but I was…I was in a bad place." He looked at her and softly added, "I never want to hurt you, Sam."

Even behind her shades he could see her eyes soften as she quietly asked, "And did you figure things out?"

He knew he wasn't ready to tell her just what he figured out or what it meant so he simply replied, "Yeah, I did."

"Good," She replied without breaking eye contact she softly asked, "Are you going to talk about it?"

"Eventually..." he trailed off.

"Even with me?"

He stood up and leaned into her personal space. He heard her breath catch and it sent a tingle down his spine. He reached over to release the hair from the earring and softly said, "Especially with you."

Brown eyes met blue as time seemed to stand still. In the distance he heard Jack wrapping up his phone call so he lowered his hand and stepped away from Sam. He reminded himself that now was not the time or place for them to have this discussion but he was pleased that she at least seemed willing to listen.

"That was Danny," Jack explained as he pocketed his cell phone. Both Martin and Sam waited for him to share whatever information Danny called to share. Jack's voice dropped an octave as he said, "They found a bloody jacket in Andy's apartment."


	16. Chapter 15

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Chapter 15

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Sam rubbed her eyes, weary from reading through lines and lines of phone numbers made from Andy's cell phone. It didn't help that it was hard to concentrate when her mind kept wandering towards thoughts of Martin. When she found out he was back she was fully prepared to be pissed off at him for not only how he left but also for coming back and not letting her know. Her anger rose when his doorman told her and Jack that he was golfing at Chelsea Piers. He was acting like he was on summer vacation while she was still struggling to deal with her feelings towards him.

But when she saw him there, swinging his nine iron looking so relaxed, tanned and sporting that bed head hair she loved she didn't know what she wanted to do more: slap him in the face or kiss him hard on the lips. She opted to let her hurt and anger simmer by giving him the silent treatment but Martin being Martin, he had to go and act all sweet and sincere and any resolve she had left in her started to crumble like a saltine cracker. She should have known better, he was the one guy who had managed to sneak under her radar and all the defenses she worked so hard to build up.

XXX

_She lowered her book an inch so she could observe him undetected. He seemed to be completely engrossed in a golf tournament on TV and completely unaware of her staring. She still found it difficult to believe that she was dating him. He was the sort of person she never thought she would have a relationship with: a preppy, fraternity jock boy who came from a family with money and powerful connections. She was used to men with dark, seedy pasts who struggled for everything they had in life. Men like her. It was surreal and contrary to what she believed she wanted in a man. _

_And worst of all, she really liked him._

_He wore a big, goofy grin on his face and laughed at something one of the commentators said as he took a drink of his coffee. She smiled behind the thick book she held in her hands at seeing him look so adorable when he smiled like that. She couldn't help but recall that was one of the first things she noticed about him. "Not a bad smile, either." Those were her exact words to Danny just over two years ago when he was still the rookie on the team trying so hard to fit in while simultaneously trying to stand out. Little did she know back then that they would be here together like this today, a lazy Sunday afternoon sitting on her sofa with his feet propped up on the coffee table watching ESPN on her television while she sat on the other end; her back against the armrest, her legs on the sofa, crossed at the ankles. _

_Most people who didn't really know her would never believe that it was moments like these that she really cherished. She didn't need fancy restaurants or jewelry to make her happy, she just wanted someone to be still with, to share the moments when she didn't have to wear her FBI persona or tough as nails attitude. She had only been able to share it with two men in her life before: an ex-husband who after awhile preferred running around to a quiet night at home and Jack, who was always with her on borrowed time. Whenever he was over she clung to him as much as possible because she never knew when they would be able to steal another moment alone together. It was the most desperate feeling she had ever felt. _

_But Martin was different. When he was with her she knew that he was here to be just that: with her and her alone. He never had to rush off or provide explanations of where he was or what he was doing. So she was able to relax and just be herself and let him be himself. And maybe that's what scared her most of all. _

_He put the mug down on the table and, without looking away from the TV, casually commented, "You okay? You've been reading that same page for almost ten minutes." _

_She was surprised that he had noticed and blushed with embarrassment at being caught. He looked over at her and grinned. She lowered her book and said, "It's a really good paragraph." _

_He laughed and replied, "Really?" He maneuvered himself so he was hovering on top of her but not touching, his arms and knees holding him up as he reached over and took the book from her hands. His eyes scanned the pages and she just sat there, enjoying his close proximity. "I don't see what's so interesting." He replied before closing the book, holding it behind his back and leaning in to kiss her._

_She enjoyed the feel of his lips on hers and between kisses she mumbled, "You're watching golf on TV and you're criticizing what I find interesting?" _

"_Shut up," he replied with his lips against hers. "We both know you were not reading." He leaned away, waggled his eyebrows and said, "You were checking me out." _

_She gave him a coy smile. "Maybe I was. What business is it of yours?" She challenged, mischievously. _

"_I make it my business to know about any beautiful women who might think I'm cute." He sat back on his heels, put the book on the coffee table and reached for the remote to click off the TV. He moved back to her, his body slowly sinking on top of hers. He propped his chest up by resting his forearms on either side of her small frame. He smiled gently and softly said, "Seriously though, you okay? You looked lost in thought." _

_She relaxed under his weight and tilted her head. "I was just thinking that it was nice being here, with you, like this." _

_He smiled and breathed, "Yeah, it is." _

XXX

She shook off her reverie, opened her eyes and started to stand up to get another cup of coffee when she spotted Martin walking down the hall towards the bullpen. After talking with him at Chelsea Piers he said he needed to go home and change and he'd meet them back at the office. She saw that he was wearing his crisp brown suit with the light brown shirt and matching tie; the very suit that made him look both professional and impossibly sexy. If she didn't know better she might think he wore it on purpose just to torture her. She knew he busted her on more than one occasion checking him out whenever he wore that suit.

"Hey," she greeted him with a guarded smile.

"Hey," he returned before sitting down and asking, "Any news?"

"No," she replied with her eyes on him. "Jack told Viv, Danny and Elena to head back over here so we can all get up to date."

"Good. Are those the phone records?" He asked. She nodded her head and he reached over to pick up the sheets of paper on the table in front of her. He scanned his eyes over the pages and said, "Most of these numbers are for his mom or take-out restaurants."

"Yeah, I'm guessing Andy didn't have a big social circle."

Martin didn't reply but simply nodded his head in agreement. He put the pages back down in front of her, looked around and said, "Feels weird being here again but weird in a good way."

She met his eyes in understanding when she heard footsteps approaching and they both looked over to find Danny and Elena walking their way.

"Hey! When did you get back?" Danny asked in surprise at seeing Martin. He moved aside so Elena could sit down next to Sam.

She glanced at Martin, anxious to hear his reply. She saw him shift uncomfortably before finally saying, "I've actually been back a few weeks." He gave Danny an apologetic look before continuing, "I'm sorry man. It's just…"

"Don't worry about, I get it." Danny interrupted, stopping Martin. He extended his hand to knock knuckles with Martin and said, "I'm just glad you're back."

"Thanks, I just wish it was under better circumstances." Martin replied as his hand met Danny's. "I heard what you found at Andy's."

"Yeah," Danny replied as he fell into place in the chair next to Elena. "We dropped it off with criminalistics to have them analyze it to see if it matches to Andy."

"Where did you find the jacket?" Sam asked.

Elena scooted her chair in and replied, "On the floor by the front door."

Martin, seeming to ease back into the routine of an investigation asked, "How was the rest of the apartment?"

"Nothing really stood out." Danny replied before quickly looking at Sam, "Anything on the phone records?"

"Nope," Sam replied, deflated.

"Hey, look who's here," Viv said in a sing-song tone as she walked into the bullpen with Jack trailing in behind her. Sam knew that he and Viv shared a special kinship.

Martin stood up and said, "You didn't think you'd be rid of me forever did you?"

They exchanged a brief hug and Viv said, "It's good to see you back."

They broke apart, Martin sitting back down with Viv occupying the seat alongside him, and Jack taking his place at the head of the table.

"Okay, what do we have so far?" Jack asked as he leaned forward. Sam gave her brief update on the phone records, Elena relayed what she and Danny learned from Andy's apartment adding that no neighbors could recall the last time they saw the young man. Jack looked at Viv and said, "What did Mrs. Deaver have to say?"

"She told me that the last time she had lunch with Andy was last month and he was in good spirits. One of his short stories was accepted to a local literary magazine and is due to be published next month." Viv consulted her notepad and read, "The magazine is _The Trembling Leaflet_. I was going to head there to see if they had any contact with Andy recently but," she flipped through her notes and added, "his mom did mention a friend Andy used to have, Noah Barber."

"Good," Jack replied before looked around and asked, "Danny and Martin, go talk to the friend and see what he knows. Elena can help Sam sort through his phone and credit records until the results come back from the bloody jacket."

As the team started gathering their things to head out, she stole a glance at Martin who was watching her, making her feel suddenly very self-conscious. He gave her a small smile before scooting his chair back and standing up to fall in step behind Danny and disappearing out of the bullpen.

As she watched him walk away, her belly churned, wondering when he would finally tell her what he "figured out" and how she would figure into it.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**A/N: Sorry for the long delays between posting. My muse is MIA so I am struggling here. However, either way, I now have time to write again so if I keep at it maybe I'll be able to lure her back eventually. I promise to post again on Wednesday, May 24th. **


	17. Chapter 16

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Chapter 16

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"Thanks for being really cool about my not calling." Martin said to Danny as he clicked on his seatbelt of the government-issue Ford Taurus.

"Yeah, well, I've been in your position before and I know that first phone call after rehab is the hardest." Danny replied before shrugging and inserting the key into the ignition, the car roaring to life. "Besides, I'm sure Sam gave you a hard enough time so I didn't think it would be fair for all of us to gang up on you."

"Actually, she was surprisingly….agreeable." Martin replied; still feeling relieved that his unplanned reunion with Sam went better than he could have imagined.

"Sam? Our Sam? Samantha Spade?" Danny gasped with a stunned look on his face.

"Yeah," he replied with a nod.

Danny shook his head and chuckled as he pulled out of the parking space and started driving slowly out of the parking garage. "Jack must have slipped a sedative in her coffee beforehand because she was, well, let's just say, she was not 'agreeable' after the way you left."

"Yeah, well, I guess she had a right to be upset. She was a good friend to me when I was a mess…"

The car slowed down as they neared an intersection, Danny turned his head toward him and said, "Wake up, Martin. I don't know what really went down between the two of you before but believe me when I tell you she isn't interested in just being your friend."

"What…why do you say that?" Martin stammered.

"We didn't really have a chance to talk before you left but," Danny looked back out the windshield but he was still able to see the guilty look on his face. "You know I am your friend, right?" Martin nodded his head and Danny continued, "When you went missing, I thought you had relapsed. That your disappearance had something to do with your addiction."

While he knew Danny was justified in his thinking it didn't help ease the hurt that his best friend still had his doubts about his recovery. However he still said, "Yeah, well, I guess I can understand why you would think that."

Danny adjusted his hands on the steering wheel and gave him a sideways glance. "Yeah but Sam refused to believe it. She knew that something was really wrong. Her faith in you, well it goes beyond just friendship." He brought the car to a stop at an intersection and turned to face him. "Believe me when I say that you and her are far from finished."

Martin wanted to say something but when no words came he just nodded his head quickly before shifting his gaze out of his window. His mind was reeling at hearing Danny's revelation which was something that he desperately wanted to hear. Of course, he recalled, Danny wasn't the only one encouraging him to finally straighten things out with Sam.

XXX

"_So tomorrow's the big day." Leah Brackbill, the center's resident therapist and former opiate junkie. She was a tall, muscular blonde who used to play college basketball. She was a star player until a knee injury permanently benched her and to deal with the loss of status from no longer being able to play and recovering from her surgery she slowly became addicted to the painkillers. She eventually dropped out of college and worked odd jobs just to support her habit. She knew she had hit rock bottom when she was in a convenience store and she overheard a young girl tell her friend who Leah 'used to be.' She had told Martin that it was hearing someone refer to her as someone who was no longer anyone anymore as if she no longer were alive that made her realize how much she wanted to exist again. "Are you all packed and ready to head back to New York?"_

"_Yeah but I was actually thinking I might do some camping before I head back. I haven't been to Yosemite in years." Martin said as he fidgeted in his chair. _

"_While I would never discourage anyone from supporting our national parks I can't help but wonder if this is just a way of you just delaying going home and seeing your family and friends; perhaps one friend in particular." Leah commented as she casually as she propped her chin on her fist. _

_Knowing he was caught, Martin smiled nervously. He adjusted the collar of his t-shirt which suddenly felt very constrictive. "Maybe it is but I am going home eventually. I just thought a little side trip wouldn't hurt and it would give me a chance to figure out what to say when I see her."_

"_Martin, you know that I don't endorse recovering addicts getting involved in romantic relationships when they should be focused on their treatment but talking to Sam is a necessary step in your recovery." Leah gave him an encouraging smile and finished, "Just remember that if you speak from the heart you can never go wrong." _

XXX

"Okay, we're here." Danny announced as he started to parallel-park along the busy city block.

They stepped out of the car and headed to the community theatre where Noah Barber was currently working as a director. It was a renovated textile factory that had some renovations to make it appear like a theatre: rows of wooden seats, a ticket booth and a make-shift stage but the exposed pipes and wiring ruined any illusion as to the buildings origins.

There was a small group of people chatting near the stage. Danny and Martin headed down the aisle and a young man in tan khaki's and a form fitting blue t-shirt spotted them. He broke off from the bunch and met them halfway.

"Hello, are you the agents here about Andy?" Noah Barber asked in a deep baritone voice. He was a tall, thin man in his early twenties with short hair that looked mussed but there was no mistaking that he spent a lot of time to achieve that look.

"I'm special agent Danny Taylor and this is Martin Fitzgerald." Danny greeted with a nod and asked, "How long have you and Andy been friends?"

Noah gave them a curious look and simply said, "We've been friends for about three months but we dated for about four before that."

Martin's ears perked up and he asked, "Andy's gay?"

"He was while we were dating." Noah replied without the least bit of embarrassment.

Danny and Martin exchanged glances that this bit of information could be pertinent to their case. Danny jutted his chin and asked, "Why did you break up?"

"I gave him an ultimatum: me or the drugs. He chose the drugs." Noah answered quietly. "We stayed in touch on and off but he reconnected with me when he got out of rehab."

"When was the last time you saw Andy?" Martin asked as he mentally created a timeline of Andy's life for the last seven months.

Noah's expression softened. "I saw him about a week ago at a little after party I hosted to as a little thank you for the cast. He was pretty upset about his story not getting published."

"What happened?" Martin asked; suddenly feeling very sad for Andy.

"The magazine folded." Noah explained softly. "I tried to cheer him up but he was in one of his funks. Once he gets that way he's practically unreachable."

XXX

_The small theatre is crowded with young hipsters talking animatedly while holding beer bottles and wine glasses. Noah is talking to a young woman when he eyes Andy standing by the table with the food. Andy looks despondent as he stares down at the platter of picked over grapes-and-cheese. _

_Noah excuses himself and walks up to a crestfallen Andy. "Come on, you're a great writer and another magazine will publish your stuff." He picks up a bottle of wine from the table and pours a glass for Andy. "Cheer up, it's a party."_

"_I just don't know why it never works out for me." Andy muttered as he takes the glass and swallows all of the wine in the glass in one drink. _

"_It's not like they are telling you no. The magazine folded because they went bankrupt." Noah tried to sound encouraging and optimistic. "They said they wanted your work but they didn't have any money. Feel good about that." _

_Andy scoffed and replied, "Yeah, the only magazine that thought I had any talent was too dumb to pay their bills. What does that say about their intellect? Maybe they only wanted my story because they were too stupid to realize it wasn't any good. Maybe this is my hint to just admit I have no talent."_

_Noah put a hand on Andy's shoulder and rubbed it affectionately. "Hey, that's my friend you're talking about. I read your story and it's wonderful." _

_Andy looked softly at Noah, visibly comforted by his presence and attention. Before Noah knew how it happened, Andy grabbed him and kissed him hard on the lips. It's obviously not a gesture of affection but of desperation, hard and fierce. Noah pushed Andy back and said, "Stop it!" _

_With a hurt and ashamed look on his face, Andy rushes through the crowd and disappears while Noah stands by the table with a frustrated look on his face._

XXX

"I know I handled it terribly but I didn't know what to say." Noah continued remorsefully. "When he got out of rehab he told me he wanted to get back together but I told him that he needed to figure out who he really was. He was so secretive about his past that I knew he had a lot of unresolved stuff he needed to deal with. That we could be friends but that's it."

"And you didn't see Andy after that?" Danny asked as he jotted something into his notepad.

"I tried calling him the next morning but he didn't take any of my calls." Noah shoved his hands into his pockets and added, "I got worried that Andy may have relapsed so I even called his dealer to see if he had seen him."

Martin realized that this was the first time he could honestly sympathize with Andy; as one addict to another. "And what did he say?"

"He was less than cooperative. He wouldn't tell me anything."

Martin nodded his head and said, "We're going to need this dealer's name."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**A/N: Good news: my muse has returned. Bad news: she wants to work on another story. (sigh) Anyhoo, thanks for reading and being patient. Next update, Friday, May 26th. **


	18. Chapter 17

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Chapter 17

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Sam watched as the little hour glass spun around on her monitor as the bureau database conducted a search for Lewis Sayre, Andy's drug dealer. After talking to Noah, Martin called her with the dealer's name so she could start trying to track him down. She couldn't believe how nice it felt to hear his voice on her phone again.

"I still don't get it." Elena said from where she sat at the conference table.

Sam turned her attention to Elena and asked, "What don't you get?"

"How Andy could be gay." Elena explained as she tapped her pen on the folder on the table. "I would have thought that after what he experienced the last thing he would be attracted to is another man."

Sam sighed and shook her head. "You'd be surprised how many men who were abused as young boys are homosexual. It's better than the alternative."

"What? Being straight?"

"Being a pedophile himself. It's been documented that pedophilia is a vicious cycle." Sam explained. "Besides, Andy is better off being gay than to have him continue in Spaulding's footsteps."

"Good point," Elena conceded before standing up. "So I guess Andy's in the same boat as us." Sam looked at her questioningly and she finished, "Looking for a good guy to love."

Sam smiled and breathed, "Yeah."

Elena waved her cup in the air and said, "I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want some, too?"

"That'd be great, thanks." She handed Elena her own cup and watched as the brunette walk away. She sunk into her chair and lowered her gaze thinking about the moment she realized she had found her good guy but she let him slip away.

XXX

"_I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner. I, ah, I guess I was scared to see you like this. I want you to know that I know that I haven't been very good about…being there for you. But I'm here now." Sam swallowed, took a breath and in her most determined voice said, "And…I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright."_

_It was late at night when she had snuck in to see Martin and she had to use her FBI credentials to stifle the protests from the nursing staff. She had waited until she was certain that his parents had gone back to their hotel so she could be with him alone, free from interruptions. It was close to 1:00 am and she shifted restlessly trying to get comfortable on the hard plastic chair where she had been holding vigil for the last few hours. She rubbed the back of her neck with her free hand and studied him. She had almost lost him. If the bullet had been a millimeter off it would have punctured his heart and she would never have the second chance to tell him everything she still needed to say – preferably when he was lucid enough to hear her. _

_She tilted her head back and forth to try and loosen the muscles before deciding it was useless. So she started to loosen her grip on Martin's hand so she could stand up and stretch when she felt it: Martin squeezing hers back. _

_She tightened her hold and called out for a nurse before leaning in close to him saying, "Martin? Can you hear me? It's me, Sam." His eyelids fluttered but he didn't open them. "Marty, come on, open your eyes." He rolled his head side to side before cracking his eyes open and meeting hers. She choked out a half-breath/half-laugh at the sight of his pale blue eyes. She smiled and softly said, "Hi."_

_He looked at her wonderingly, swallowed and hoarsely said, "…tired…no work…wanna …sleep…"_

_She forced a smile when she realized that he was too heavily medicated to even know where he was. She reached over and gently caressed the top of his forehead with her free hand and replied, "I'm so happy that you're okay."_

_He gave a barely perceptible nod that he heard her before closing his eyes and whispering, "…love you, Sam." _

"_What did you say? Martin?" Her heart was racing as she looked down at his face as he fell back asleep. She was so distracted by what he had told her that she almost didn't notice that the nurse had entered the room. She told the nurse that he had temporarily regained consciousness to which the nurse informed her that it was a good sign. She checked the monitors and marked down his vitals and other notes into his chart before excusing herself with an encouraging smile. _

_Sam sat back down, his hand still intertwined with hers, and smiled, feeling rejuvenated by the brief exchange. To say she was caught off guard by his words would be the understatement of the year. She felt such a wave of relief that she couldn't possibly decide what the source was: that he was going to be okay or that he still had feelings for her. _

_She eventually managed to drift off to sleep because the next thing she knew dawn had arrived. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she slowly registered where she was and why she was there. She stole a glance at Martin who was still asleep; his chest steadily rising and falling with each breath. She raised her arms over her head and stretched out, cursing that the hospital did not offer ergonomic accommodations since her lower back was throbbing from sitting on it for hours. She stood up and moved to the foot of the bed to get the blood flowing again when she heard him. _

"_Hi." He croaked. _

_She stopped and hurried to his side. "Good morning." _

_He moved his tongue through his lips as if he had a bad taste in his mouth and murmured, "You're here." _

"_Yes I am." She moved to his side and filled the small plastic cup with water. She put a straw in the cup and he lifted his head a notch to take a small sip._

_He watched her as he drank and when his head fell back on the pillow he said, "I'm glad." _

_She put the cup back on the tray and taking his hand in hers she said, "I was so scared that I was going to lose you."_

_He struggled to keep his eyes open and said, "Not going anywhere." _

"_Martin, I want you to know," her vision blurred by the tears in her eyes so she closed them to try and regain her composure. She wanted to blame it on her lack of sleep for the last 48 hours but knew it had more to do with what was happening in the moment. She whispered, "I love you too" before opening her eyes to find that Martin had drifted off to sleep again. _

_She had no choice but to laugh at the absurdity of it all. For the first time she was honestly opening up to Martin but he was too drugged up to hear any of it. She gave his hand a squeeze and sat on the edge of his bed watching him slumber. Her mind was on overload as she considered the possibilities of what his words meant before she reminded herself that he said those words while under the influence of Morphine and the aftereffects of anesthesia. That he most likely wouldn't remember what he said or could even be held accountable for it. Is it still a profession of love if only one of you remembers it being said? _

"_Is Doctor Madison in yet?" Sam heard a low male voice ask a nurse at the desk._

"_He will be in at 9:00 am but Dr. Baggard is in if you would like for me to page him."_

_Sam turned around and looked out the window behind her. Craning her head for a better look she spotted Martin's parents standing at the nurse's station down the hall. She quickly released Martin's hand and fumbled around trying to gather her belongings. Once she was done she leaned over and gave Martin a soft kiss and told him she would be back later today. Then she rushed out of the room as stealthily as possible. _

_She was able to come back later that evening, feeling rested and showered. She knocked softly on the door and entered. Martin was laying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling looking…lost. Sam neared Martin's bed and saw him turn his head to look at her but unlike the exchange they had earlier his gaze was pained and sorrowful. _

_He gave her a forced smile that didn't reach his eyes and said, "Hey."_

"_Hey," she returned as she casually took his hand in hers. "How do you feel?" _

_Martin stared at their hands with a perplexed look on his face that made Sam feel awkward and uncomfortable. She loosened her grip and he made no move to hold on so she let go. As she sat down he licked his lips and answered, "I am under so much medication I don't feel much but I also don't feel like I'm really here. It's so surreal." _

"_Yeah, I remember that feeling." Sam said as she sat down on the chair. "Kinda fuzzy and you are sure what's real and what's not."_

"_Yeah," he breathed. He studied her for a few minutes before adding, "I can barely focus on what people are telling me."_

"_You seem to be following just fine right now." Sam supplied, trying to make him feel better. _

"_Yeah, maybe it's just nice to talk to someone besides the doctors or my parents." He sounded frustrated and tired. He gave her a remorseful look and added, "Lucky you, your first visit and you caught me when I am awake. My dad said Jack came by yesterday but I wasn't conscious so I don't think it counts." _

_Sam realized that he had no idea that she had been with him the night before. She knew she shouldn't be surprised; he was recovering from surgery and heavily doped up. How could she expect him to remember a conversation they had under those circumstances? She wanted to correct him, to tell him what he said to her – and what she said to him. But she also knew that he was still not himself and how could she hold him to a comment he made when he wasn't in full control of his senses. So she swallowed her hurt, squared her shoulders and said, "I wanted to come by earlier but you and Viv haven't been showing up to work so…"_

_He released a light laugh and said, "Good point."_

_He asked about Viv and Danny and she did her best to carry on a light conversation as if they were picking up where they had left off before the shooting. However, as hard as she tried in the back of her mind she kept thinking, "But he said he loved you." _

XXX

"This is for you, chica." Elena announced. She handed a hot cup of coffee to Sam when her cell phone rang. She pulled her cell out of her jacket pocket and answered, "Delgado. Yeah, what did you find out? Really? Thanks." With a concerned look on her face she said to Sam, "That was criminalistics. They found two different blood types on Andy's jacket."

"Two?" Sam repeated. "So we need to find out who else's blood is on the jacket."

Elena nodded her head and with a grave look on her face said, "Not just that, we need to find out how it got there."

Sam met her eyes in agreement when her computer dinged that the search for Lewis Sayre was over. She spun around in her chair as Elena stood behind her. "Okay, Lewis certainly has a long history of dealings with NYPD. Possession with intent to sell, petty theft, a couple of assault charges…the list goes on and on." She scanned further down and said, "His last known address is in Brooklyn."

"And judging by that address it's in the section of town that is favored by drug dealers everywhere." Elena said distastefully.

"Yeah," Sam agreed as she reached for her phone to call Martin to give him the address.

"Fitzgerald." He greeted.

"Hi Martin, its Sam," She said into the receiver while ignoring the butterflies in her belly that fluttered at the sound of his voice.

"Hi Sam, what's up?"

"I have an address for Lewis Sayre." She gave him the address and also updated him on what she and Elena had learned. "We'll run a check to see what violent crimes were reported in Andy's neighborhood."

"Thanks for the info." He said with a heavy, audible sigh.

Elena walked back to her desk to start conducting a search so Sam took the opportunity to talk to Martin. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just…I just can't help but think that I might have done something to help Andy." He said forlornly.

"You can't blame yourself, Martin." Sam assured.

"You seem to tell me that a lot, Sam." He said it lightly but there was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice.

"I'm just trying to help." Sam retorted with annoyance.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to snap at you. It's just that I can't help but wonder if I had tried a little harder with Andy that maybe things would have turned out much different for him." Martin conceded before his voice got muffled and he quickly changed gears. "Danny wants to get going. I'll call you later after we talk to Sayre."

Sam sighed and replied, "Okay."

"Sam, I'm really am sorry."

"And I really meant what I said too: you can't blame yourself."

He gave a light laugh and said, "Thanks. Bye."

"Bye." She replied before they hung up. She placed the phone back on the base and smiled thinking that it finally was starting to feel like their conversations were back to being on the same page. Now she just prayed that the big conversation they needed to have would end up with both of them getting exactly what they wanted.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: I am sooo sorry! I got a last minute invite to go on a mini-vacation for the holiday weekend and I was half-way to the mountains when I remembered that I had promised to update on Friday. I am so sorry.


	19. Chapter 18

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Chapter 18

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Martin leaned against the bureau sedan waiting for Danny. There was no answer at Lewis' apartment so he went off in search of the apartment manager to see if he knew where Lewis hung out.

From behind his dark sunglasses his eyes scanned the neighborhood for any sign of Andy's drug dealer. However, the only ones lingering around were older residents sitting on their stoops, fanning themselves against the summer heat. He ran his fingers through his hair, the sweat from his brow causing his hair to spike up on end. He heard a door open and looked up to see Danny headed for him.

"The landlady said he isn't here but he usually hangs out in the alley around the corner." Danny commented as he exited the Lewis Sayre's apartment building.

Martin suppressed the anxious feeling in his gut as the memory from his last alley encounter crossed his mind. He squared his shoulders and said, "Let's go."

The two men started walking down the street when Danny's cell phone rang. They slowed their pace as Danny reached inside his breast pocket to retrieve the device. He glanced at the caller ID and with a large grin on his face he answered, "¿que tal?"

Martin listened as the lanky Cuban chatted merrily on the cell phone while trying to decipher the few Spanish words he knew. He was able to translate enough to know that Danny was getting word that Andy withdrew a large amount of cash from an ATM near his apartment. However, as valuable as this information was he was more intrigued by what else he was learning from the exchange between Danny and Elena.

"Muchas gracias chica," Danny laughed into his cell before hanging up and looking at Martin. "Elena said…"

"Andy withdrew a lot of cash." Martin quickly interjected, happily showing off his burgeoning bilingualism.

"Bueno gringo." Danny smirked as they started towards the alley.

Martin glanced at Danny and in the most casual voice he could muster said, "So…you and Elena, huh?"

Danny stopped, held up one hand and turned to face Martin. "Stop it, I can guess what you are going to say: this is the part where you try to talk me out of it, warn me all about the hazards of office relationships…"

"Not at all," Martin replied with a shake of his head. "Despite everything I would still do it all over again." He met Danny's eyes and finished, "I just wish you better luck than I had."

Danny nodded his head with a smile but made no comment. They walked side-by-side for a few yards when he softly said, "We haven't actually done anything you know."

Martin chuckled at hearing his friend's confession. Danny was a self-declared ladies man but in all the years of working together Martin had only known him to go on a handful of dates. With his gaze set at the alley entrance down the street he asked, "Why not?"

Danny fiddled with his notepad and softly said, "I've been trying but it's complicated because we have a bit of a history already."

"You never told me you knew her from before." Martin said with raised eyebrows.

"She asked me not to mention it." Danny replied when they reached the alley.

The alley was long and dark and reeked of rotting food and urine. There were several dumpsters lined up along one the red brick building with large black trash bags thrown alongside them; discarded cans and broken bottles littered the path. In the middle of the alley they saw a short, thin man with a tangled mess of hair talking to a nervous looking woman in old, ragged clothing. She handed him some crumpled up bills and he slipped something into the palm of her hand. She turned and stopped short at the sight of them.

"Lewis Sayre?" Danny shouted down the alley, the sound of his voice echoing against the brick walls. Lewis's eyes went bugged eyed and he started running in the opposite direction. "Stop! FBI!"

As Martin and Danny started giving chase, the woman who had been buying drugs earlier crouched down against the wall as they dashed past her. Adrenaline coursed through Martin's veins as they pursued the surprisingly fast dealer. Thankfully, in large thanks to rigorous FBI training, the two agents were able to close the distance quickly. Martin reached him first and grabbed Lewis by the jacket, tackling him to the ground. Lewis struggled, causing them to roll over. Just as Martin leaned up he felt a sharp pain in his side; Lewis had struck him in the side with a slapjack, a flat piece of heavy metal covered in leather. He gasped in pain and Lewis tried to wiggle out of his grip but Martin was able to stifle the pain long enough to punch him in the face. Lewis fell back from the force of the blow allowing Martin a moment to regain his bearings.

"You okay?" Danny asked as he grabbed Lewis and began cuffing him.

"Yeah, just caught me off guard." he replied as he stood up. He propped his hand on his thighs and hunched over trying to catch his breath, his eyes closed in response to the throbbing pang in his side. He cracked open an eye to find Danny watching him worriedly so he said with a smile, "Guess I'm a little out of practice with this stuff."

Danny nodded his head and promptly shoved Lewis against the wall. "Lewis Sayre, you are under arrest for assaulting a federal officer. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you at no cost. During any questioning, you may decide at any time to exercise these rights, not answer any questions, or make any statements. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?"

"You're feds?" Lewis asked with genuine surprise. "Since when does the FBI deal with petty drug dealers?"

Martin straightened his posture and exhaled. "We don't. We came here to ask you some questions about one of you clients, Andy Deaver."

"I don't know who you are talking about." Lewis defiantly replied.

Martin pulled out a picture of Andy from his jacket and flashed it at Lewis. "Here, maybe this will help jog your memory."

"Oh, you mean that Harry Potter looking motherfucker. I should've guessed." Lewis grumbled; his face worn and haggard from a life of hard living. "I knew his shit was going to come back to me."

"What do you mean?" Martin asked while doing his best to look casual as he rubbed his side under his jacket. Lewis' cheek was swelling up and it looked like it was going to leave a nasty bruise. A thought that gave Martin more joy than he knew it should of.

Lewis worked his jaw and gruffly said, "I saw him a couple of nights ago. He was a real mess."

XXX

_Lewis was standing in the back of the alley chatting with a few of his friends. He pulls out a cigarette and lights up. As he inhaled his first drag one of his friends jutted his jaw down the dimly lit alley and said, "Check it out." _

_Lewis turned around and spotted Andy headed his way. He stepped up a few paces, blew out a puff of smoke and with a sneer on his face he said, "Well look whose here." _

"_Hey man," Andy stepped closer and looked visibly anxious and nervous. _

"_I was wondering when you'd be back." Lewis said as he ran his eyes disgustedly over Andy's frail form. "Once an addict, always an addict. You fall off the wagon already?" _

_Andy tucks one hand under his armpit, his naturally pale skin looked clammy and his entire body was shaking. He held out some cash and said, "I need a couple of ounces."_

_Lewis laughed snidely and grabbed the cash. He counted it out, folded it and then stood there evaluating Andy but not saying word. _

_Andy shifted his feet, his patience fading. "C'mon man, can I buy some or not?"_

_Lewis pocketed the cash and pulled out two small plastic baggies from his jacket pocket. As he prepared to hand them over Andy stepped a little closer, his hunger for the substance evident. It's at that moment that Lewis noticed Andy's shirt had splatters of blood on it. "What the fuck happened to you?" _

_Andy pulled his arm tightly to him, attempting to bunch his shirt closer to him so it's less visible. "It's nothing. I got a bloody nose." He extended his palm and added, "Can I have my stuff?" _

"_That ain't no fucking blood from your nose." Lewis shoved the bags into Andy's outstretched hand, pushing him back, and growled, "Get the hell out of here. I don't want you dragging me into whatever shit you got yourself into."_

_Andy greedily took the baggies and mumbled, "Don't worry. You won't see me again." _

_Lewis stared at him as he scurried down the alley and out of sight. _

XXX

"Do you have any idea where he would go?" Martin asked as pocketed the photograph.

"Sorry, our relationship is strictly professional." Lewis mocked.

"It's refreshing to see a drug dealer with a nice work ethic." Martin replied in an equally mocking tone.

"You've been a big help, Mr. Sayre." Danny replied sarcastically as he grabbed Lewis' arms to walk him back to their car. "Now allow me to escort you to your new office…"


	20. Chapter 19

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Chapter 19

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"So I heard you are single handedly trying to up our health insurance premiums." Sam announced to Martin as she entered the men's restroom. She had been hovering in the hall for the last five minutes after Danny told her what had happened in the alley with Lewis but grew impatient waiting for Martin to exit so she decided to take matters into her own hands.

He was standing in front of row of sinks with his shirt unbuttoned as he examined himself in front of the large mirror. He had a look of mortification on his face at the sight of her and gasped, "Sam, this is the men's room!"

"I know but you were in here forever so I thought I'd just come in and check on you." Sam saw that a large bruise was forming on his side and just looking at it made her ribs ache. "How do you feel?"

He shook his head amusedly, realizing it was no use engaging in a debate. "Sore."

"It looks like it really hurts." She stepped closer to examine the bruise. With tentative fingers, she ran her fingers around the wound; his skin was warm to the touch. "Maybe you should go see a doctor." She rubbed the area around the bruise softly, hoping to massage away the pain. When Martin still hadn't replied she looked up to see him watching her with dark, heavy lidded eyes. The look he gave her was one she knew well; it was the look he used to giver her often when they were dating and it sent a flush of arousal through her body.

His eyes met hers before he cleared his throat and stepped back and away from her. "Um, nah, it's alright. I'll be fine."

Deflated, Sam dropped her hand to her side and asked, "So, can you take anything for the pain?" She realized how the question sounded so she quickly tried to recover. "What I mean is…"

"It's okay." Martin replied, buttoning up his shirt with visibly shaky fingers. "I took a couple of Advil."

"Good," she replied, resting her hip against the tile counter.

"You really should get out of here before someone walks in and finds you here," he said as he started tucking his shirt into his trousers.

"Martin…" Sam began when she heard the door behind her swing open. She turned around to find a couple of male agents staring at her in bewilderment and annoyance.

One of the agents folded his arms across his chest and rumbled, "Agent Spade, this is the men's room in case you didn't notice."

"Yeah, I know," she retorted before waving over at the urinals and sarcastically adding, "Go ahead, don't mind me."

He was not happy with her response and was about to speak when Martin grabbed her forearm to lead her out saying, "Actually, we were just leaving."

He gave her a bemused smile and a gentle shove to the exit. Sam opened the door where she found Viv waiting.

"Hey," Sam greeted.

Viv stared at her, eyes darting between Sam and the men's room door when Martin appeared. She grinned and asked, "So…everything alright?"

Martin shoved his hands in his pockets and said, "Fine."

Sam was growing increasingly frustrated that they still hadn't had a chance to talk. Trying to shrug it off she asked, "What's up?"

She could see Viv was wondering what was going on between them but decided to not press the issue. With her gaze set on Martin she said, "Mrs. Deaver is here and she would like to talk to you."

The color drained out of Martin's already pale face but he gave her a quick nod and replied, "Okay. Where is she?"

"She's in the lounge," Viv replied before walking down the hall and disappearing around the corner.

Martin took a step before stopping and asking, "Um, Sam, I haven't seen Barbara in a long time…"

"Do you want me to go with you?" Sam asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," he answered.

Sam jutted her chin down the hall and fell into step alongside Martin.

The lounge wasn't really a lounge but an interview office in the center of the building that has large windows and a conference table. It made it a little easier to talk to family members in private without having them in one of the interrogation rooms. Barbara Deaver sat in one of the chairs, worriedly playing with the gold cross on the chain around her neck. She had medium length dark brown hair and strong, cheekbones.

They entered and Martin immediately walked up to her and said, "Hello Barbara."

Barbara stood up and pulled Martin into a hug. He hugged her back but looked uncomfortable and guilty in her embrace. "Martin, it's good to see you."

"I'm sorry about Andy," he said sympathetically. Barbara stepped back and glanced at Sam standing behind him. He cleared his throat to make introductions. "This is Special Agent Samantha Spade."

"Hello," Barbara greeted as she and Sam shook hands.

They all sat down and Martin carefully said, "How are you doing?"

"I'm trying to hold it together but I can't help but worry that Andy used up all of his luck the last time he disappeared."

"You can't think that way," Martin said reassuringly.

Barbara's eyes welled up and her voice cracked as she said, "Are you making progress? I went to Andy's apartment and his landlord said some agents had come by and took some stuff, some evidence."

"Yes, they did," he answered. Sam watched as Martin worked his jaw considering just how much information to share. "We found a jacket with some blood on it."

"Oh my God," Barbara gasped. "Do you think its Andy's?"

"We won't know for sure until the DNA results come in but one of the types matches Andy's."

"There was more than one?" she asked.

"Yes, we found two blood types on it." Martin replied. He leaned forward and asked, "Barbara, do you know of anyone who may have wanted to hurt Andy?"

"No," she said before a look of realization crossed her face.

"What?" he asked.

"I was worried about him, about where he lived. There were a lot of muggings and burglaries in his neighborhood so I gave him a gun last year," she started.

XXX

"_Are you crazy? I don't want that thing!" Andy argued at the gun sitting in a lock box on his coffee table. He looked disdainfully at the black metal gun. _

"_It's just for safety," Barbara explained; trying to sound like it was a rational gift for a mother to give her son. She had even wrapped it up like it was an ordinary gift like a sweater or gloves. "You just keep it in the box unless you really have to use it."_

"_I don't even know how to shoot a gun," Andy replied as he put the lid on the box._

_Barbara smiled and said, "That's okay because I also bought you some lessons at a local shooting range. They have trained professionals who teach you proper gun safety."_

_Andy shook his head back and forth in irritation. He held his hands up, as if he wanted no part of it. "Mom, this is insane." _

_Barbara grabbed Andy's hands, holding them close to her. "Andy, I just want you to be safe."_

_Andy sighed heavily and gently replied, "I know but…"_

_She reached over and brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Please just take it. I'd rather you have and never use it than to need some protection and not have any." _

_Andy looked like he wanted to argue that she was being irrational but eventually relented. "I'll keep it if it makes you feel better." His gaze softened and he added, "But I won't like it." _

XXX

"I just wanted to do whatever I could to keep Andy safe." Barbara said, as tears began to fall from her eyes. "I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him, not after what happened before."

Sam reached over to grab the box of tissue from the counter behind her. She pulled one out and handed it to Barbara. "Do you know if the gun is still in his apartment?"

"No, I didn't even think to look for it." Barbara replied as she dabbed her eyes with the tissue. She took a deep breath and he clasped her hands together. "Is there any chance the agents who searched his apartment found it?"

"They didn't find it." Martin reached over and put his hand on top of Barbara's. "Listen, I have to get back to work but I want you to know I am going to do everything I can to find Andy."

Barbara nodded gratefully and said, "I know you will."

Martin gave her hand a gentle squeeze before getting up and exiting the room with Sam.

Once they were out of ear shot Sam asked, "So what are we thinking now? That Andy may have killed someone and is on the run?"

"Well, we didn't find a gun in his apartment. If he did kill someone with it a smart bet would be that he would take the weapon with him."

"You know Andy better than any of us," she said as they walked down the hall. "Do you think he is capable of it?"

"I don't know. It just doesn't seem right," he commented. "There isn't a history of any problems with anyone, no known enemies. At least none that are alive."

"I'll see where Elena is on the search for violent crimes in Andy's area," she said as they reached the bull pen and headed to their respective desks.

Sam slid into her desk when out of the corner of her eye she spotted Martin ambling back to his own. He glanced at her with a shy smile before carefully sitting down. She noticed a wince on his face as he sat but as quickly as it appeared it was gone. Sam called Elena and asked her to contact one of her NYPD buddies to see if they could expedite a list to her as soon as possible. After hanging up, she started running a check to see if Andy had registered the gun or resold it. She tried to picture soft spoken, introverted Andy Deaver as a murderer but the image seemed wrong, like a movie that was miscast.

Sam walked over to the coffee maker to get a fresh cup when she saw Viv join Martin at his desk. She heard Viv ask him something and he updated her on what Barbara had told them. He nodded his head and started to type something into his keyboard when Sam's line of vision was obscured by a curvaceous Latina.

"Alright, we've got something." Elena declared with her thick accent. She waved them all in as she headed the conference table, plopping a manila folder down on the polished wood table top.

"What do you have?" Sam asked as she, Viv and Martin moved to join her.

"According to NYPD, around one am the night Andy disappeared, Nathan Croxdale was found bludgeoned to death with his own tire iron in a parking structure two blocks from where Andy lived. I had my guy fax me some photos." Elena shared as she pulled out some photographs from the folder. She arranged the series of gruesome images on the table for them all to see.

Sam picked up one of the glossy photos of a muscular fair haired man lying in a pool of blood. She glanced at Martin who she saw staring at the image as he touched the back of his head. She didn't have to ask to know what he was thinking about. Shifting her attention to Elena she asked, "What makes you think it's connected to Andy? This guy was killed with a tire iron, not a gun."

"For one thing, it turns out that he has a long rap sheet: muggings, assault and battery, etc. He parks his car in a parking garage and pretends to fix a flat tire. When someone stops to ask if he needs help he attacks. He holds a knife to his victim's throat, takes all their valuables, and makes them strip down so they don't try to follow him. And we found out that Andy's friend Noah Barber keeps his car in that parking structure." Elena provided, handing Sam a sheet of paper that listed customers of the parking garage. As Sam read through the names Elena continued, "I had one of the attendants check and the car is not there. Danny's on the phone with Noah right now."

"Well, if Andy had access to a Noah's car that would help explain how he could just disappear so easily." Sam commented as she slid the paper back towards Elena.

"Okay, I just talked to Noah," Danny proclaimed as he hurried to join the team. All of the agent's eyes shifted their focus to the lanky agent. "He said that he had given Andy a spare key a few weeks ago so he could drive to New Jersey for a book reading."

"Let me see if I am tracking this," Viv said as she leaned forward and tapped the photo of the dead man. "Croxdale tries to mug Andy, they struggle and skinny Andy Deaver is able to overtake and kill Croxdale; a guy who has at least fifty pounds on him? I don't know, seems like a stretch."

Martin replied as he shifted in his seat trying to get comfortable. "Let's say Croxdale tried attacking Andy and it set something off in him. Andy's intimately familiar with being violated. It could have triggered those repressed memories of Spaulding and he responded aggressively. It's not that unusual for a flashback like that to give someone such a rush of adrenaline that they could potentially overtake someone bigger than them."

Danny pulled out a chair and took a seat next between Sam and Elena. "Makes sense to me."

Martin rubbed his chin, considering. "Where did Andy make that withdrawal from the ATM?"

Viv grabbed the file and flipped through pages trying to locate the address. "Here it is: it was on the corner of fifth and Bay Ridge. It was at 2:16 am."

"The timeline fits," Sam provided.

"Plus, it's in Brooklyn so it wasn't too far from where he met up with his Lewis." Martin added. "He probably stopped there to grab some cash to make the buy."

"What then?" Sam asked as she tossed the sheet of paper back onto the table. "Andy freaks out and needs a fix so he goes to see his dealer and then what? Why not go back to his apartment and get high there?"

"Or why not just go to the police?" Viv asked to no one in particular.

"Maybe he was afraid he was going to be arrested for murder and went on the run?" Elena replied. "If he was in a fragile state of mind he might not have thought it was self-defense."

Danny exhaled audibly as he tapped his fingers on the table. "Martin, remember what Lewis said?"

Martin's expression fell and he replied, "Yeah, he said that Andy told him he was never going to see him again."

"Are you thinking Andy is suicidal?" Viv asked as she flipped a pen back and forth between her fingers.

"Maybe," he replied, glancing briefly in Sam's direction. "This is a guy who has already been through so much only to be attacked once again. It might have been the final straw and he thought he just couldn't take anymore."

"If he was it would be a desperate act that required a lot of courage. It definitely would have given him a reason to use again." Danny provided. "So the big question is: where would Andy go to do it?"

"Most suicides happen in the person's own home or a hotel." Elena offered.

"Well, we know he didn't go home so that leaves hotels." Viv said as she puffed up her cheeks and blew out a breath. "But in New York that's a long list and since Andy has Noah's car he could have gone just about anywhere."

"Then we need to find that car." Martin said as he stood up and headed back to his desk. "I'll contact highway patrol and have them issue an APB."

Sam stood up and headed back to her own desk. "I'll put out stop notices."

"We'll start calling hotels just in case," Viv said as she, Elena and Danny starting pulling out the phone books from the bookshelf.

As the team went to work at their assigned tasks, Sam stole a glance at Martin. He had the phone cradled between his ear and shoulder as his fingers typed rapidly on his keyboard. He had a pained look on his face that she suspected had nothing to do with the injury on his side.

After several fruitless hours of phone calls, faxes and emails, Viv announced that she was going to head home to have dinner with Marcus and Reggie. Elena and Danny said they were going to go out to grab a bite to eat but would come back afterwards to continue making calls to hotels. And while they said that Martin and Sam were welcome to join them it was obvious by their body language that they didn't really mean it. So Sam and Martin declined their invitation and she volunteered to run to the deli around the corner and bring back some sandwiches.

When she returned, take-out bags in hand, there was no sign of Martin at his desk or anywhere else in the bullpen. She was about to turn to go check the break-room when she spotted him standing outside on the balcony. He was leaning forward, his arms resting loosely on the rails as he stared out at the city. She put the bags on the table and made her way to the balcony door.

She turned the knob and stepped outside. He tilted his head towards her with a small smile on his face. She moved to stand alongside him, mimicking his posture. The warm summer air was finally cooling and there was a faint breeze. She sighed and said, "Nice night."

Martin nodded his head, not looking at her and replied, "Yeah, I thought I'd come out and get a little fresh air."

Sam released a light laugh and replied, "This is New York City. There's no such thing."

His laugh was soft but genuine. "Good point."

They remained standing there side-by-side looking out at the city lights in comfortable silence. There was a part of Sam that wanted to bring up the conversation they still had yet to have but a larger part of her was just enjoying being in the moment. The sun was setting which caused the sky to turn a rosy shade of pink with soft streaks of purple and orange. Sam had almost forgotten how beautiful dusk could be, when the entire city was basked in the soft light just before darkness descended.

Martin released a heavy breath and said, "After talking to Barbara and finding out about that Croxdale guy, I can't help but think about how similar Andy's situation is to what happened to me." He paused before quickly correcting himself, "I know what Andy went through with Spaulding is completely different but…"

"It's okay, I know what you mean." Sam interjected; trying to help him out.

"Thanks," he replied offering her a grateful nod. "I've also been thinking that if we were working this case a year ago I probably wouldn't be feeling so sympathetic. I'd argue how Andy allowed himself to become an addict, that maybe he did something to invite what happened to him in that parking structure by being there so late at night…" He licked his lips and stared straight ahead but not really looking. "But now, I can completely relate to what Andy is going through. I know that hunger, Sam. I know that desperate feeling."

"Well, there's the silver lining in all you've been through." Sam said. Martin turned his head to look at her and she finished, "You can relate to him."

"Sure, now I can but I know that in the past I probably wouldn't have. I would have been judgmental and self-righteous. I always thought I had high morals but now I realize I just didn't have a clue. I thought all it took to make things right, to not screw up, was just some self-restraint and common sense. I was such a naïve jerk; a real bone head on his high horse."

Sam bumped her shoulder against his and said, "Hey, that's my friend you're talking about."

He gave her a soft smile and in a low voice replied, "Thanks." He grew quiet and introspective again, staring down at his hands as he wrung them together. "This life experience stuff is a real bitch."

Sam leaned in closer so she was eye level with him, forcing him to look directly at her as she determinedly said, "Think of it this way: when we find him you can use some of that knowledge to try and help him." She willfully chose to side-step the grim notion that when they found Andy he might be beyond anyone's help. "You'll be able to relate to him. That's invaluable."

He shook his head. "I don't know how qualified I am. I didn't exactly get help all by myself." Martin replied; his eyes meeting hers. "I had you."

Without breaking eye contact she said, "I'm not a past tense, Martin. You still have me."

Martin stared back at her with bottomless blue eyes. Her heart was racing; simultaneously anxious and worried at what his response was going to be. He opened his mouth to speak and she had to remind herself how to breathe.

"Sam, I need to tell you...," he began when there was a loud rapping sound at the window. They both turned around to find Jack watching them with an urgent look on his face, waving them to go back inside.

Sam nodded her head that she understood and looked back at a crestfallen Martin. He hunched his shoulders indicating that the conversation would have to wait. She cursed Jack's timing but reminded herself that they were on a case and work would always come first.

She started towards the door ahead of him but he still managed to reach for the handle first. He held the door open for her and just as she started to pass he reached over and carefully tugged at her jacket whispering, "Later."

"Later," she repeated before heading inside.

They found Jack standing in the center of the bullpen, jangling his car keys nervously. "I just got a call from the highway patrol in New Jersey. They found Noah Barber's car in a motel parking lot in Toms River."


	21. Chapter 20

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Chapter 20

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"And?" Martin asked at hearing Jack's news. _Please don't let him be dead_, he prayed.

"When he saw the police he panicked. He has the gun and is threatening to kill himself. They have one of their negotiators talking to him right now but we need to get there fast." Jack replied as he signaled for them to follow him. "I arranged for us to take the bureau helicopter."

"How are the negotiations going?" Martin asked as he hurried behind Jack.

"Andy isn't talking but I think the fact that he hasn't done anything yet is a good sign." Jack theorized as they headed up to the helipad. "If he really wanted to kill himself he would have done it by now."

A short while later they were on route to New Jersey. Martin adjusted his seatbelt trying to prevent it from pressing into his side as the helicopter jostled, aggravating his injury. He felt a shot of pain in his side and he wished he could take something stronger than Advil; cringing that he would even dare have such a thought. He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths to try and steady his nerves. When he opens them he finds Sam watching him with a concerned look on her face. He gives her his most reassuring smile and turns to glance out the window at the Garden State Parkway below them. He doesn't have to see her to know she is still watching him.

XXX

_It was a good day. He was paired with Sam, their missing person, Rachel Gibson, was found alive and well, and he had managed to avoid having to see Danny for more than a few split seconds. Right now Danny was the only one who knew what was going on behind the façade that was starting to crumble all around him. He knew that another confrontation with his friend was probably just around the corner but like everything else in his life right now, avoidance and denial seemed to be the best option. _

_When he and Sam were talking in the car he told her that he thought that agoraphobia was "bizarre" but once he learned that she was using it as a method of avoidance he suddenly could relate. Lately it took just about all he had to get up and come into work; of course, his main motivation was to make sure that no one knew what he was going through. He would be happy to stay all alone in his apartment, cloaked in darkness than to have to put on his mask, disguising what he was going through and continuing pretending all was well in the life of Martin Fitzgerald. But because he was Martin Fitzgerald hiding in his apartment was not an option. _

_Today, however, he actually felt more like the Martin he used to be. He was feeling playful and even managed to fluster Viv when he gave her the article on, "Horny at the office." He had been feeling stronger, like he could conquer his addiction. Throughout the day he started to believe that he could do it. And then the shakes started, along with the clammy skin, the muscle aches that seemed to go right down to the bone, and the anxious feeling running through his veins. So he rationalized and negotiated with himself; just one more pill and that was it. Willfully pretending to forget that it was something he said each day after each pill. _

_He hated taking them at work but the desire was too powerful. He pulled out the plastic bottle and glanced inside. He knew that he had to be careful to only take what he absolutely needed or he would run out very soon. He flipped open the cap and shook two pills onto the palm of his hand. He stared disdainfully at them as the familiar feeling of self-loathing kicked in. He knew he should be stronger than this but also knew he wasn't. He popped them into his mouth and swallowed them down with his lukewarm soda. _

_He closed his eyes as the pills slowly began to take effect. He needed to get home. At least at home he could just go to sleep and dream of the man he used to be. He blew out a breath, opened his eyes and began gathering his things with trembling fingers when he heard women's laughter. He looked down the hall to find Sam, Elena and Viv walking in his direction. _

"_Hey," he greeted with his best forced grin. "You guys sure seem to be in good moods."_

"_It's all the caffeine," Sam quipped before sharing a look with Elena who laughed in agreement. _

"_Speak for yourself. I love any case that ends with everyone being alive, reconciled and in love." Viv chimed as she walked to her desk. "And on that happy note, I am going to go home to my own family."_

"_I'll ride down with you," Elena said as she shut down her computer and stood up to leave. "Its spaghetti night; my daughter's favorite." _

_The two women said goodnight and started chatting casually about their kid's eating habits on their way out. As soon as they were out of sight Sam wandered over to his desk. _

"_Are you all done for the day?" she asked. _

"_Yeah," he replied as he stood up and shrugged on his jacket. He opened his drawer to get his weapon when he remembered the package. He pulled out the plastic bag and handed it to Sam. "I almost forgot. I picked this up for you." _

"_For me?" Sam asked as he handed her the gift. Despite her tough, hard-as-nails exterior she was still a woman who loved receiving gifts. With a grin on her face she made quick work of un-wrapping it; delving into the bag in a matter of seconds. She pulled out the flat cellophane wrapped package, laughing when she saw what it was: a DVD of the 1978 cult film, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."_

_She looked up at him in humor filled disbelief and said, "If this thing gives me nightmares I'm never speaking to you again." _

_He gave her a devilish grin, waggled his eyebrows and replied, "Enjoy."_

"_You aren't really going to let me watch this by myself are you?" Sam wore a look of feigned fear. She smiled and said, "You have to come over and watch it with me. Come on, I'll order a pizza, we'll have some beers…" _

"_I can't. I have plans," he lied, refusing to meet her eyes fearing that she would see right through his deceit. _

"_Oh, okay," she said, deflated. "Well, maybe some other time." _

"_Yeah, some other time," he replied softly. He wanted to take it back and say he would go but it was too hard to try to hide what he was going through whenever he was around her. It was easy at first but now the drug controlled him, not the other way around. _

_He gave her a final nod and headed out. There was a large part of him that was screaming for him to turn around and take Sam up on her invitation. But then the other darker part of him reminded that they would have to go to her place because if they went to his she would most likely find out his dirty little secret. She would see the old take-out cartons, clothes strewn about, and empty prescription bottles and she would know how far he had sunk. So instead of going with Sam, he boarded the elevator and pressed the button to go down. _

XXX

"We're here," Jack announced as he pointed to the area beneath them.

Martin looked down at the motel parking lot that was littered with police cars with flashing lights, news crews with cameras aimed at a room and a crowd of gawkers; some who were most likely guests at the motel who were now locked out of their rooms. The chopper landed at an empty parking lot across the street from the motel. As soon as the skids hit the pavement, he unbuckled and opened the door; the wind from the rotor blades whipping around as they all ducked their heads and hurried to the motel.

They waved over by a couple of uniformed officers who led them into the customized police department RV. Inside they were greeted by a tall, stocky man with salt-and-pepper hair.

"You the feds?" he asked.

"That's us," Jack replied before introducing Martin and Sam.

"I'm Lt. Steve Heckt," he greeted as he shook their hands. He nodded to a short, Asian man standing behind him in the small quarters. "This is Richard Chen, our negotiator."

"Can you bring us up to date?" Jack asked Chen; hoping to hurry along the exchange of information.

"He's still silent," Richard said. "He took the phone off the hook and when we use the bullhorn or try to talk through the door he shouts for us to get away or he'll shoot himself."

"I think it's time to consider going tactical," another officer said. They all turned to see a burly man with a thick neck and a thick bushy mustache to match. He was wearing full SWAT gear and there was no mistaking that this man was ready to burst through the doors to get to Andy.

"No," Jack insisted before looking over at Martin. He studied him for a few beats and asked, "Do you think he would talk to you?"

"Yes," Martin replied without hesitation.

"I want you to wear a mic and an earpiece so we can hear everything. If you get stuck I will try and talk you through it," Jack directed. He picked up a Kevlar vest that was sitting on a counter and said, "I also want you to wear this."

"Jack, that isn't necessary. He wants to hurt himself, not me." Martin argued.

"Considering your luck lately I am not willing to take any unnecessary chances." He shoved the bulky black vest at him. "You're wearing it."

"It figures that the feds just want to wait it out for a while longer…" the SWAT officer mumbled under his breath.

"Zip it, Medina," Lt. Heckt ordered. He softened his voice and looked at Jack. "Are you sure about this? Our guy has been trying for a while now and this kid isn't talking."

"I'm sure," Jack answered.

Martin quickly put on the vest as the technician hooked up his mic, earpiece and battery pack. He could practically feel the fear rolling off of Sam at the thought of what he was going to do. He stole a glance at her and she was watching him with worried eyes. He smiled and joked, "You know, there is an episode of _The X-Files_ that is kinda like this."

Sam rewarded him with a small smile and said, "Yeah? Well, just be careful, Mulder."

"You got it, Scully," he replied with a wink.

The technician snapped the final piece into place and said, "Alright, give me a test."

"Testing, one, two, three." Martin said aloud.

"Okay, you're good," the tech replied before returning to his computer.

Martin followed Jack out of the RV and listened as he was instructed on what to do. "I want you to stay to the right of the door and talk to him through it. Do not block the window. Try and get him to open the door but do not go inside. You may have a personal history with Andy but he is under the influence of drugs. We don't know what kind of effect they are having on him."

"I got it."

"Listen, I don't want to send you. If it were anyone else in there I'd send in SWAT but considering our history with Andy I don't want him harmed." Jack paused and cautioned, "But if at any point I think you are in danger, I will go tactical."

Martin nodded his head that he understood and turned to go to the hotel. He looked over his shoulder to see Sam watching him. He smiled and continued walking.

"Andy, Martin Fitzgerald would like to talk to you." Jack announced on the bullhorn.

Martin reached the room and did as he was told, staying to the right of door and away from the window. He knocked on the door and said, "Andy? It's me, Martin. I'd like to talk to you, Andy."

There was no response. The only thing he could hear was the buzz of activity from the police and reporters. He knocked again and said to the closed door, "Come on, Andy. You don't want to do this. Just talk to me, I want to help."

"I don't want your help!" Andy shouted from inside the room.

"What do you want?" Martin asked.

"I just want to be left alone."

"I can't do that," he replied. He scooted a little closer to the door and said, "I feel like an asshole talking to a door. How about you open it so we can talk face to face?"

"No," Andy choked out. "You'll try something."

"No, I won't. I'm your friend remember. I just want to be able to talk to you without having to shout."

Andy grew silent again. Martin looked over at where Jack and Sam stood watching and waiting.

"Martin, I want you to…" Jack said into Martin's earpiece when the door creaked open a fraction of an inch.

"You have to come inside if you want to talk," Andy said from deep inside the room.

"Don't go inside," Jack ordered.

"You have to decide right now," Andy shouted. "I'm not going to leave the door open. You're the one who said he wanted to talk."

"Martin…" Jack warned.

He looked back and forth between the door and where Sam stood. He knew that he would not only be breaking a direct order by going inside by also taking a huge chance on Andy being lucid enough to reason with.

"I'm not going to wait anymore!" Andy shouted.

Martin's shoulders sagged and he hung his head, looking defeated. He glanced over at Sam and Jack who were shaking their heads and giving him warning looks. He could hear Jack's voice in his ear ordering him to come back.

He nodded his head that he understood and then he removed his earpiece as he pushed the door open and disappeared inside.

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A/N: I am really bad at this but I honestly cannot thank all of you enough for taking the time to not only read my fic but to review it as well. It means a lot to me. Thanks so much for reading.


	22. Chapter 21

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Chapter 21

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Andy Deaver had better not harm a hair on Martin's head because Sam wanted him alive and well so she could kill him herself. She couldn't believe he deliberately disobeyed a direct order from Jack and went into that motel room. The instant he looked over she knew what he was going to do but before she had even a chance to protest he was already inside.

"Damn it!" Jack seethed as he started dashing back towards the RV; not easy task for a man with a bum knee.

Resisting the urge to walk into that room to get Martin herself, she turned and quickly picked up the pace behind Jack. She caught up just as he opened the door to enter the cramped quarters and the moment they stepped inside Lt. Heckt started ranting.

"What in the hell happened?" Lt. Heckt hissed.

Ignoring him, Jack walked past to take sit down next to the tech. "I want radio contact limited to this RV. I don't want anyone outside of this confined space to hear what is going on inside of that room."

"You got it," the tech replied as he clicked off a few switches.

Sam remained quiet as she maneuvered around the aggravated officers so she could lean against the wall near Jack. The tension in the room was as thick as pea soup.

"I thought you said your guy could talk to him," Lt. Heckt continued; his face puffy and red with anger.

"The situation has changed," Jack finally answered. In a calm controlled tone he added, "Agent Fitzgerald must have felt that Andy could be better handled from the inside."

Sam was relieved that it looked like Jack was willing to give Martin the benefit of the doubt even though he blatantly ignored his direct orders.

Lt. Heckt, however, was displeased with that reply so he leaned in towards Jack and said, "Listen, technically I am doing you a favor by cooperating and letting you do your thing but I will not have this situation end with causalities under my watch."

"If you just step aside I can assure you that it won't," Jack growled at the Lt. before turning to the tech and saying, "Can you get them on the speaker?"

"Yeah," the tech replied as he hit a button and few seconds later Martin's voice filled the room.

"It's hot in here," Martin's said gently.

"The air conditioner is broken," Andy's voice was shaky and nervous when he quickly added, "Not so close. Stay over there by the dresser."

Jack looked up at Sam as they listened to Martin and Andy's conversation. She could see the anger in his eyes but for the first time in her life she didn't shrink and turn away. She knew that they could not appear at odds over Martin's actions in front of the Jersey PD. But more than that, she refused to let him think that she didn't have faith that Martin honestly did what he thought was best.

"Whatever you say," Martin replied softly. "You're in charge."

"Is that why you are afraid of me?"

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Then why are you wearing that thing?" Sam assumed he was referring to the Kevlar vest.

"It's standard operating procedure. But you know since it's so hot in here do you mind if I take it off?"

Sam winced as the other officers in the RV started grumbling about yet another way Martin was breaking protocol. With each move he made, from going into that room against orders to taking off his protective vest, he was starting to seem more like a loose cannon cop with a death wish than a trained federal agent. She took a breath and prayed that Martin really did know what he was doing.

The speaker went quiet and she lowered her gaze, straining to hear what was going on in the motel room. Andy and Martin weren't talking anymore but there was the unmistakable sound of him removing the vest; the familiar tear of Velcro and then static for a few seconds before growing quiet again. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose as she tried to steady her frazzled nerves. She tried to concentrate on how assured and calm Martin sounded as he talked to Andy.

_Martin knows what he's doing, _she reminded herself.

_Please let him come out unharmed_, she prayed.

"You said you wanted to talk so talk." Andy said, his voice sounded more confident.

There was a pause before Martin finally said, "I want to know how I can help you."

"Maybe I don't want help." Over the speaker Andy's voice was as faint as whisper. "Maybe I just want it to all be over."

Medina stepped up to Lt. Heckt and growled. "This situation is completely fucked up and it's going to end up with someone getting killed. We need to get in there and end this now."

"Well then I guess it's a damn good thing that you aren't in charge!" Jack retorted with flared nostrils and Medina backed down. Lt. Heckt was glaring at Jack but remained silent as he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. He met Sam's eyes as he worked his tongue into his cheek.

As Medina guided Heckt into the corner so they could talk quietly amongst themselves, Jack leaned in towards her and quietly said, "I need you to be straight with me: do you think Martin has a real chance of talking Andy down?"

Sam nodded her head. "We just have to give him a little more time."

Jack studied her face as if he were trying to decide if he trusted her judgment or not. He gave her a quick nod before turning around and saying, "Sgt. Medina, I want you to get your team in place but no one is to make a single move without my say so, do you understand?"

"I got it," Medina answered curtly before opening the door and exiting the RV.

"That should keep him out of my hair for awhile," Jack mumbled under his breath.

They listened as Martin tried to get Andy to talk but the young man wasn't the least bit receptive. Sam took a deep breath as the memory of the last time Martin was in a similar situation drifted into her mind. She wasn't there for him then and she hoped he knew that this time he knew he could count on her.

XXX

_She had wanted to call him to make sure he was alright since the moment Jack had told her that Martin had gotten into the SUV with Brian Stone and Mike Gerard. While ultimately he was able to convince Brian to let Mike out of the car, the boy refused to leave and he witnessed Brian's attempt to kill himself. But while she wanted to talk to him she just couldn't bring herself to make the call with Jack constantly at her side. So she snuck off outside while he was finishing things up with SWAT in the cabin. And that's what it felt like to her; like she had to sneak off to talk to Martin now that she was certain that Jack knew about them. _

_She stomped over the snow with her boots and looked back past the trees back towards the cabin. Inside the windows she could see Jack chatting with one of the officers. Certain that she was out of earshot and eyesight she dialed his cell phone with her cold fingertips. _

_He finally picked up on the third ring, his voice sounding world weary, "Hey."_

"_Hey," she greeted him softly as a wave of relief washed over her at hearing his voice. "How are you doing?" _

"_Mike's parents are with him now and the doctor's expect Brian to make a full recovery," he answered trying to sound cool and confident but she knew him well enough to hear the underlying anxiety in his voice. _

_She paused and hunched her shoulders closer to her, trying to keep warm. "And how are you?" _

"_Honestly?"_

"_Honesty is the best policy," she replied, trying to put him at ease. "Besides, I can tell when you are lying." _

_He laughed softly and said, "I'm still waiting for my heart to stop pounding."_

"_Me too," she tenderly said into her cell as her breath materialized in the cold air. "I'm just glad you are okay." _

_She could hear him breathing before he quietly said, "Sam, I'm sorry for this morning." _

"_So am I," she breathed. He started to say something when she heard a wet crunching sound behind her and over her shoulder she saw Jack headed her way. "Listen, Martin, I have to go. I'll see you back at the office okay?" _

_He paused and said, "Okay, see you there." _

_She quickly hung up the phone as Jack approached. _

_He was looking at her as if her were seeing her for the first time and trying to compose a profile. "What are you doing way over here?"_

"_I just wanted to get some fresh air," she lied even though it was a well known fact that Sam hated the cold. _

_He nodded his head as if he believed her and asked, "Ready to go?" _

"_Yeah," she replied as she turned and headed towards the field where the chopper sat. She could feel his eyes on her but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. She was feeling too guilty but the problem was she didn't know who she was feeling guilty about. _

XXX

Sam now knew that she was holding on to Jack because if she admitted that what they had was transient, temporary that it made it less important, it made what she did that much worse. She had an affair with a married man and he wasn't doing it for love but as a method of coping, dealing with his failing marriage. So she placed so much importance on it that it sabotaged any real chance she could have at love. It wasn't until after Martin had left her that she understood just how much she had sacrificed for her misplaced loyalty.

On the speaker she heard Martin clear his throat before softly saying, "Andy, we know what happened wasn't your fault. You don't have to do this."

"You know what happened? You know everything?" Andy's voice was shaky and frightened.

"Yes."

It was quiet for a few beats when they heard Andy start to weep. The sounds of Andy crying lasted for a little while when he suddenly shouted, "Stay back! Don't come near me!"

"I just want to help you Andy," Martin reassured.

Lt. Heckt's radio beeped and Medina announced, "We have SWAT in place. All we need is the word."

"I want you to stand-by," Jack replied into his walkie-talkie. "No one makes a move without my authorization."

"Roger that," Medina snidely replied.

Jack lowered the radio and ran his hand through his hair. He leaned forward on the chair and stared at the speaker. Sam knew he was trying to decide what to do. While she wanted to believe he would give Martin the time he needed she also knew that he had to do what he thought was best and having an agent who just returned from rehab and disobeyed a direct order was not good no matter what the circumstances.

"No one can help me. It's too late."

"It's not too late. Let me…."

"You can't," Andy said cried, "I'm just tired of hurting…."

"No!" Martin shouted just before the microphone went silent.


	23. Chapter 22

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Chapter 22

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"No!" Martin pleaded; every muscle in his body wound tighter than a drum. He knew he only had a fraction of time left before Jack would send in SWAT thus ending any chance he had to try and talk Andy down. He could only pray that Jack and Sam were still listening since he was careful to put his Kevlar vest close enough for the microphone to pick up the conversation. "You don't want to do this!"

Andy dug the gun deeper into his chin. "How do you know what I want?"

Realizing that he had nothing left to lose, he said the first thing that came into his mind, "Because I know what it's like to want to die; to feel that everyone and everything would be better if you were just gone."

Andy hesitated, his hand shaking and tears falling. "How would you know?"

"I've been there, man. I know what it's like to feel like the world is against you no matter how hard you try," he shared softly.

Andy blinked and lowered the gun a fraction of an inch. Shaking his head he said, "No matter what I do everything just gets so fucked up and people get hurt. Or killed."

"I meant what I said, Andy: what happened wasn't your fault," Martin whispered. "Nathan Croxdale, the man in the parking garage, was a career criminal. You were just defending yourself."

Andy watched him intently and lowered the gun a little more. "I just wanted to go for a drive; to get out of the city for a little while…" he trailed off. Martin leaned back as he listened; his eyes transfixed on the gun's position and waited for Andy to continue. "I thought I was being nice by offering to help fix his flat tire…"

XXX

_The night was balmy and warm as Andy exited the elevator and started towards Noah's BMW. He walked through the dimly lit cement structure towards the car; the fluorescent light flickering above. He was lost in thought as he casually swung the car keys at his side. He was almost at the car when he heard a loud clanking sound and someone curse._

"_Damn it," Nathan grumbled as he tried to get the jack to line up under his own car. _

_Andy hesitated, he glanced at Noah's car and considered just driving away before turning around and taking a tentative step towards where Nathan was working. "Hey, do you need a hand?"_

"_Thanks that would be great," Nathan replied; his demeanor unassuming and non-threatening. "I could really use some help."_

_Andy gave him a small smile as he walked over and asked, "What do you need me to do?" _

"_I can't get this damn thing to work," he replied as he pointed to the jack. He looked frustrated and tired. _

_Andy studied Nathan's handy-work. "Well, I think I found your problem." He crouched down and moved the jack back a few inches. "You had it set up wrong. It has to be…"_

_Before he knew how it happened he felt a sharp blow to one side of his head, causing him to hit the other side on the car. The jolt disoriented him and he collapsed onto the hard pavement. He was down a few milliseconds when his survival instincts kicked in and he crawled forward and attempted to stand up. Nathan kicked him hard in the ribs causing all of the air in his lungs to whoosh out. _

_He was gasping for oxygen as Nathan pulled him up to a standing position and shoved him hard against the car. Small drops of blood where sliding down the side of Andy's face as he swayed, trying to focus. Nathan reached into his jacket and pulled out a switchblade, holding it to his throat. _

"_What do you want?" Andy stammered out. _

"_Give me your wallet and your watch," Nathan ordered but Andy was frozen in place; his eyes bulging and panic stricken. He stood shock still until Nathan slammed him back against the car, holding the knife in one hand, he wrung the other around Andy's neck and squeezed. "Are you hard of hearing? I said I want your wallet!" _

_He continued talking but Andy could no longer hear him. Everything was drowned in a white noise hum; all he could concentrate on was Nathan's face, red with fury and the pressure round his throat. Then before he even knew how it happened, Nathan's face slowly morphed into Graham Spaulding's. It was Graham's voice he heard ordering him to take off his clothes and he felt the same sense of terror that he had when he was left to die in a cave several years ago. _

_Suddenly Pandora's Box was unleashed and all of the suppressed anger that had been simmering under Andy's surface bubbled over. He shook his head from side to side and reached up to grab Nathan's wrists and shoved him back with every ounce of energy in his gangly frame. "No! Not again!" _

_Nathan was startled as he stumbled backwards, stopping when his back hit the hard cement pillar. With one hand on the pillar for support and the other holding the knife he said, "That was a bad idea."_

_He moved his arm forward and attempted to stab Andy in the stomach but fueled by adrenaline, Andy darted to one side and was able to seize Nathan's forearm. They wrestled for control when Andy slammed Nathan's hand on the car's truck, knocking the knife out of his grip. As soon as the thin metal hit the ground Andy kicked the knife under another car a few feet away. Nathan butted his head and hit Andy squarely in the face, causing blood to gush from his nose. _

_Andy moved back to try and get his bearings when Nathan lunged at him, knocking them both to the ground. They struggled and Nathan was able to maneuver himself so he was on top and he punched Andy repeatedly. As he pulled back to strike again, Andy moved his hand around trying to find something to protect himself. His fingers brushed up against cold hard metal and he quickly wrapped his hand around it. As Nathan's fist started down to his face Andy swung his arm and the tire iron struck Nathan's ear. _

_Nathan dropped to the side, wounded but not down. He started scrambling to try and get away. Propelled by vengeance and rage, Andy stood up and struck Nathan again and again. But in his mind he didn't see Nathan, he saw Graham's face looking back at him as he hit, egging him on with an evil smirk that he desperately wanted to wipe off of his face. With tears streaming down his cheeks he continued hitting and hitting until he was finally overcome with exhaustion, the tire iron growing heavier in his hands. The blows started to slow down and Andy finally slumped over in realization to what he had just done. _

_One look at Nathan and it was clear that he was dead; his skull was bashed in on the side, his eyes dull and listless. Andy quickly stood up and looked down at the lifeless body on the ground. A feeling of fear and disgust overcame him and he dropped the tire iron and dashed back to Noah's car. He pressed the lock release button on the keychain and entered the car with an unprecedented sense of urgency. He jammed the key into the ignition and sped away. _

XXX

"I panicked. I just wanted to get as far away as possible," Andy finished.

Martin sat still absorbing the information. "I can't imagine how difficult it was to experience something so traumatic. And to have it bring back the memories of…."

"It wasn't the first time," Andy said, his voice sounding tiny and scared. "It wasn't the first time I remembered that night."

Martin shifted in surprise, "But at the trial you testified that you couldn't remember anything."

"I wasn't lying at the trial," he clarified. "I really couldn't remember anything about Graham taking me to the cave; at least not then."

"When did you remember?" Martin asked gently. He wanted to keep Andy talking, to get him to open up but the young man clearly had an emotional landscape loaded with landmines.

Andy pulled his knees tighter to him. He still held the gun in his hand but now he held in his hand, the barrel pointed to the ceiling. "My mom made me get therapy to help me deal with what happened. I know therapy is supposed to help but sometimes I think you are really better off not remembering. Ignorance is bliss and all that crap. Because after a few months I started to remember fragments of what happened. The memories were fractured; they came in bits and pieces but the parts I could recall they…hurt. It hurt to have those memories."

Martin suddenly wished that Spaulding was still alive again so he could kill him himself. He wanted to comfort Andy but after his reaction the last time he remained seated where he was and watched helplessly as Andy broke down again; his head falling forward as he wept.

After a few minutes his crying jag subsided into soft whimpers. He steadied his breathing and softly said, "I never told anyone but he had sent me a postcard right before he died."

"He did?" Martin asked, shocked.

"Yeah, he didn't sign it but I knew his handwriting. It was a picture of the national park near the school and on the back it read, 'I'm still waiting for my fifteen minutes.'" Andy stared off, not really looking at anything. "It was like he knew that I was remembering what happened."

Martin's throat went dry at learning how Spaulding used the phrase from Jack's false promise. He could still recall everything about that night: the smell of the rain, the sound of the wipers gliding against the windshield and the sound of Jack's voice as he talked to Spaulding about how he understood his yearnings. It was almost seductive how Jack spoke to Spaulding. _I'll give you fifteen minutes with him…alone. You can do whatever you want. _But as sick as it was it had worked. Jack got Spaulding to believe he had found an ally and he divulged where Andy was being held captive. While he understood why Jack said what he did and believed that the ends justified the means it killed him to know that Spaulding turned the phrase back on Andy, tacking on more pain on an already fragile boy's psyche.

He swallowed the guilty feeling lodged in his throat and asked, "You never told your mom about it?"

Andy shook his head. "No, I didn't want her to know so I burned it. She was always so stressed out and worried about me I didn't want to add on to it. I finally convinced her I didn't need therapy anymore and I quit going. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore; I wanted to pretend it never happened."

"Andy you still need to deal with those feelings," Martin urged.

"I know how I feel about him: I hate him for what he did to me," Andy tilted his head back and knocked it into the wall a few times as he cried. "I hate that he's still in my head; his voice still in my ears. I try to do whatever to try and tune him out."

"Is that why you started using?" Martin carefully asked.

Andy nodded his head. "It was the only thing that helped me forget; or at least made the memories too fuzzy to seem real. It helped me deal with other stuff, too."

"Like what?" he asked as he wiped the sweat off his neck with the palm of his hand.

"Like that I couldn't even be with a girl," Andy replied as he focused on the shag carpeting. "It's his fault that I was only able to get aroused by men. It made me sick."

"What about Noah?" Martin gently prodded.

He wiped his nose with his sleeve and took a breath. "Noah was different; he was the first person in a long time to make me feel safe again." He blew out a breath and he tightened his grip on the gun. "I was so messed up. I still liked girls, I do, but the sex thing became so confusing. Until Noah the only person I had been with was…." Andy trailed off as more tears spilled down. He blew out a few jagged breaths and continued, "I cared about Noah a lot but as much as he meant to me, he couldn't erase my memories or numb the hurt."

"Not the same way the drugs do," Martin murmured in agreement. He was feeling more relaxed and emboldened by Andy's surprising openness in talking with him.

"I wanted to quit," Andy commented as he gaze shifted to the paraphernalia on the bedspread. A syringe, a bent spoon, a lighter…evidence of his addiction spread out on a floral polyester bedspread. "I didn't want to use anymore but that it night, there was just too much to deal with. I couldn't process it, I didn't want to."

"That's understandable," Martin replied. "While I wish you hadn't I'm pretty sure I would have done the same thing."

Andy put his hand on his knees and dangled the gun loosely in his fingertips. "What do you mean?"

Martin considered just how much to share before deciding he had gone this far, might as well go all the way. "A few months ago I was in a pretty bad place, too. I was hooked on painkillers."

With a surprised look on his face Andy asked, "You were an addict?"

"I still am," Martin confessed. "You never really get over it; you just deal every single day."

"How can you be one? I mean, it seems like you have it all. How could you get hooked?"

"I got shot last year and I started taking them to deal with my injuries. But just when I started feeling strong again, I got hurt while on a case. A suspect knocked me down a flight of stairs. I blamed myself; that it was my fault for not paying enough attention. So while I rationalized that I was taking the pills to deal with the new pain reawakening the old one, eventually I started taking them to numb those feelings of failure, too. Eventually I found that taking them made everything in my life hurt less."

"I know how that goes," Andy murmured softly. He took his hand off the trigger and stared at the weapon in his hand.

Emboldened, Martin continued, "It got to the point that the pills were the only thing I thought I could count on. Problem was the more I took them the more I hated myself for using so I took more pills to deal with that shame."

"Catch-22," Andy provided.

Martin nodded his head and continued, "It became a vicious cycle and I didn't know how to break out of it. And as much as I wanted help I was too ashamed to admit I even had a problem."

"Let me guess, you did rehab or NA and now it's all better right?" Andy asked; his tone unmistakably sarcastic.

"You're partly right. My best friend confronted me and made me realize if I wanted to get better I was going to need help. So another friend went with me to an NA meeting. I did those for awhile and I thought I was doing alright but then I got tempted again." Martin took a deep breath and recounted the events from that fateful night a few months ago; from his trip to the pharmacy to the moment he crawled out of the river. "When I was lying on the dirt I just prayed for it to be over; for all of it to be over. After all, it seemed that no matter what I did – whether I was taking pills or trying to get help – I still got ended up getting hurt over and over again."

"But you didn't die," Andy reminded him.

"Yeah, because my friends still believed in me; they looked for me." Martin straightened up his posture and said, "It's because of them that I am here right now trying to help you the way they helped me."

Andy shook his head and gave a forced laugh. "I hardly know you. We're not really friends."

"Okay," Martin conceded. "But I'm not alone in worrying about you. Think about them. What about your mom?"

"I am thinking about her," Andy replied as he brought the gun closer to him. "That's why I came here to do it instead of my apartment. I didn't want her to find me and have to clean it up."

Martin's eyes bore into Andy's and he said, "Or maybe you don't really want to die."

"It would be better for her if I was dead. Then she could finally stop worrying."

"You're right," Martin agreed before quickly adding, "She would be too busy grieving to worry."

"I'd rather her grieve than to be constantly disappointed by me." Andy argued, "Just like I disappoint everyone else in my life."

"Sometimes you disappoint them more by not asking them for help," Martin replied gently. "At least that was my experience. Sometimes it can be easy to forget that everything you do affects other people in your life. When you hurt they hurt too." He paused as he watched Andy staring at the gun as if considering. "But I am here to tell you it can get better. Life is worth living."

"Maybe for you it is," Andy replied.

"It can be for you too. But if you pull that trigger you will never know will you?" Martin responded. He knew he was taking a risk by challenging Andy but it was a risk he thought was worth taking.

Andy continued staring at the gleaming metal in his hand, considering. He gripped the handle tightly before putting it down on the nightstand next to him. Martin blew out a breath of relief as Andy looked directly at him and said, "So what do we do now?"


	24. Chapter 23

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Chapter 23

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Sam shifted restlessly in her chair, craning her neck to try and get a look inside Jack's office. Realizing she couldn't see much from where she sat, she stood up and walked across the room pretending to retrieve a file from Danny's desk. She picked up the first folder she found and pretended to read it while stealing a glance at the windowed office. She saw Jack seated at his desk talking as Martin stood with a guilty expression on his face as he was being scolded. He looked up and straight ahead, meeting her gaze. She offered him an encouraging smile and he winked back before returning his attention to Jack.

She emitted a sigh of relief that it looked like it was going to be okay and started back to her own desk. Her stomach growled, reminding her that they had never gotten a chance to eat their dinner. She scoured her drawers looking for something to munch on and found a peanut butter chocolate chunk granola bar. She couldn't remember when she had purchased it but decided that the preservatives would have surely kept it fresh enough. She leaned back in her chair, un-wrapped the silver foil and took a bite. It wasn't substantial but it would tide her over until she could get some real food. She swallowed and got back to writing up her report, the incident at the motel only hours over but feeling like a lifetime ago.

XXX

_The air in the police trailer was tense. Sam looked over at where Jack stood blocking the door in order to prevent Lt. Heckt from trying to get outside to rally his men into action. The moment they heard Martin shout "no" he had wanted to run out and order SWAT to storm the room. Fortunately, Jack kept his cool long enough to hear that Martin was able to keep Andy talking and disaster could still be averted. So he quickly jumped up and prevented Lt. Heckt from trying to usurp his authority by reaching the door first and obstructing him. _

"_I thought I made it clear that I was the one in charge," Jack growled. "We need to give Agent Fitzgerald more time."_

"_He is either going to let that kid shoot himself or get himself killed in the process," Lt. Heckt argued. _

_Jack sighed, folded his arms and replied, "Believe me, if I didn't think he couldn't convince Andy to walk out of that room I go in there right now myself." _

_Lt. Heckt snorted skeptically but backed down. Still feeling frustrated and angry, he began pacing the small quarters like a caged tiger ready to pounce. _

_Trying to ignore Heckt's irritability, Sam refocused on the sound of Martin and Andy talking. While she missed what he had told Andy, whatever it was seemed to be working because Andy began to open up about his experiences and told Martin what happened in that parking garage with Nathan Croxdale. It turned out the team was pretty much on mark in their hypothesis of what may have happened. She was surprised that Andy also shared that he that he had remembered what happened in the cave with Spaulding. It was painful to hear him talk about that night and the sound of him breaking down. However the real surprise was when he revealed that Spaulding had contacted him after he was released from prison. _

"_I never told anyone but he had sent me a postcard right before he died," Andy whispered. _

_Sam watched as a pained look crossed Jack's face as Andy shared the details of what Spaulding had written, using Jack's own words as a weapon. It seemed no matter how much time passed, Spaulding continued to cause anguish to everyone he ever met. But as quickly as Jack's expression fell, it returned to stoic and unreadable. She knew that he would remain professional in front of the other officers but this discovery would haunt him later. While she couldn't deny that there was a part of her that wanted to comfort him she knew that wasn't her place anymore. He had Anne and she had Martin to think about. This realization surprised her and she had to suppress a gasp at this moment of clarity. _

_She had Martin. _

_She stifled the emotions threatening to bubble over at this surprising epiphany and glanced at Lt. Heckt. Judging by the look on his face he didn't notice any change in Jack's demeanor or hers. She should have known that Heckt's observation skills would be as questionable as his listening ones. However, when Martin confessed his own battle with addiction it wasn't just her ears that perked up into attention. _

_Martin's voice was soft as he spoke; barely audible through the speaker. "It got to the point that the pills were the only thing I thought I could count on. Problem was the more I took them the more I hated myself for using so I took more pills to deal with that shame."_

_Jack looked over and met Sam's eyes silently telling her that he hoped she was right about Martin being able to reach Andy. She folded her arms across her chest and continued listening, standing fast in her belief in Martin. Unfortunately, not everyone in the RV was of the same mind._

"_You sent a drug addict to negotiate with another one?" Lt. Heckt hissed. "This gets better and better. Admit it, Malone: this situation is completely out of your control…"_

_She could see Jack's nostril's flare as he interrupted. "With all due respect lieutenant; shut the hell up." _

_Sam smiled at seeing Lt. Heckt's face red with indignation at Jack's comment. She was so focused on Heckt's and Jack's exchange that she almost missed what Martin said next. _

"…_My best friend confronted me and made me realize if I wanted to get better I was going to need help." _

_She couldn't deny that it stung to hear Martin refer to her as his "best friend" but she knew that was the nicest way to define who they were to each other right now. Besides, she would happily take being called that versus the dreaded title of "ex-girlfriend." Being his best friend offered the promise of something more. Before she could dwell on it too long he began to tell Andy what had happened to him so many months ago. It broke her heart hearing his despondency as he shared the details of such a low point in his life. _

_Martin's voice was achingly sad as he finished, "When I was lying on the dirt I just prayed for it to be over; for all of it to be over. After all, it seemed that no matter what I did – whether I was taking pills or trying to get help – I still got ended up getting hurt over and over again."_

"_But you didn't die," Andy replied matter-of-factly. _

"_Yeah, because my friends still believed in me; they looked for me. It's because of them that I am here right now trying to help you the way they helped me." _

_Sam swallowed the lump in her throat at hearing Martin words; knowing that she would always look for him. Just like she knew he would do the same for her. _

"_Sometimes you disappoint them more by not asking them for help," Martin replied gently. "At least that was my experience. Sometimes it can be easy to forget that everything you do affects other people in your life. When you hurt they hurt too." He paused and Sam waited with bated breath for Martin to finish. "But I am here to tell you it can get better. Life is worth living." _

"_Maybe for you it is," Andy replied. _

"_It can be for you too. But if you pull that trigger you will never know will you?" Martin responded. _

_If Andy's silence were any indicator she could only guess that he too was contemplating Martin's words. She prayed that he had most likely found a sure-fire way to reach the troubled young man and reached up to rub the back of her neck as Martin continued talking. Sam closed her eyes as the seconds stretched on for what seemed like an eternity when Andy softly said, "So what do we do now?" _

_Jack clicked on his walkie-talkie and announced, "Agent Fitzgerald is preparing to exit with Andy Deaver. I do not want this young man traumatized any further so I am ordering everyone to stand down. I repeat: stand down." _

_He tilted his head for Sam to follow him out. They headed just outside of the motel room door with Lt. Heckt hot on their heels. It seemed that while they were in the RV the wind had picked up causing her long hair to whip around her face. She tucked the errant strands behind her ears but her long blonde mane refused to be confined. _

_They reached the area behind the barrier just outside the motel room and she stood next to Jack and waited. She glanced around and could see the surrounding officers eyeing them warily. She somehow felt that any future NJPD and FBI relations were going to be marred by tonight's unorthodox negotiations. She sighed heavily, shrugged them off and directed her attention on the door. _

_A few beats later they heard Martin shout, "We're coming out!" The door opened slowly and Martin exited in front of Andy; blocking him from any possible line of fire. He looked directly at Jack and Sam with a worried expression on his face when Jack motioned for him that it was clear. _

_Martin turned and guided Andy by the elbow to the waiting paramedics who quickly wrapped him in a blanket and began to examine the young man. One of the paramedics began to clean Andy's cuts and while the other checked his vitals. Sam saw had caked blood in his hair and on his face. Once he was safely under the EMTs care, she took a step towards where Martin stood when Jack brushed past her headed directly to him. He pulled him aside and they spoke in hushed tones. Martin nodded his head and Jack walked away to talk to Heckt who was lingering in the proximity. _

_Martin turned around to walk back over to Andy when he stopped short at the sight of her. As he neared she couldn't help but notice the worried look on his face. "So, on a scale of one to ten how mad are you?" _

"_It was around an eleven," she huffed out a breath, "but considering how well it went it's dropping rapidly." He nodded his head and she added, "I'd ask you what in the hell you were thinking but I think I already know the answer."_

"_I was just following your advice," he replied. _

"_My advice?" she questioned. "I don't remember telling you to disobey direct orders and do something so…," she scanned her mind for the most appropriate word, "stupid." _

"_Stupid?" He repeated. "I had to go inside, that's how Andy wanted to talk," Martin argued looking indignant that she referred to his heroism as stupidity. "Besides, you are the one who told me that I had to use my experience to reach him and it was the only thing I could think to do."_

"_I guess next time I have to be more specific and mention to not risk your life in the process." She knew that he was right but she was still plenty mad that he did such an asinine thing. "It might not have worked, Martin. Andy was using and he could have killed you."_

"_I was pretty sure he wouldn't. He only wanted to hurt himself." _

_Sam geared up to continue the fight and said, "But…"_

"_But he didn't," he interjected before she could continue. She grunted agitatedly before slouching her shoulders; admitting that he was right. He must have noticed her relaxed posture because he smiled and added, "I'm just glad it worked."_

_She shook her head bemusedly and said, "Yeah, well, do me a favor: don't mention my role in it to Jack." _

_He laughed. "You got it."_

_She jutted her chin toward where Jack stood talking with Medina and Heckt; neither one of them looking pleased. "What did Jack tell you?" _

"_To just take care of Andy and we'll talk back at the office," he replied as he rubbed his side. _

_She opened her mouth to ask about his bruise when a paramedic with a bushy goatee walked over and said, "Agent Fitzgerald, we're ready to go."_

"_Yeah, hang on," he replied before returning his attention to her. "Andy wants me to go with him to the hospital…"_

"_Go," she replied. "I'll see you back at the office." _

_Martin hesitated before giving her a quick nod and walking back to the ambulance. _

"_Hey, Martin!" she shouted. _

_He turned back around to face her and asked, "Yeah?" _

_She gave him her most beatific smile and said, "You did a great job tonight." _

_He gave her a big grin in return and said, "Thanks." He looked like he wanted to say something else but instead shook his head and said, "I'll see you back at the office." He turned and hurried to help load Andy's gurney into the ambulance before climbing in as well. She watched as the door slammed shut and the ambulance drove away. _

XXX

While Martin accompanied Andy to the hospital, Jack and Sam were begrudgingly escorted there by Lt. Heckt. En route, Jack called Mrs. Deaver to let her know that Andy was alive and to tell her where he was being taken. Sam knew that Andy would be put on mandatory suicide watch but something in her gut told her that it wasn't going to be an issue. Once they were sure Andy was settled, the three agents took another chopper back to New York. By the time they got back to the command post, the rest of the team had long since left the office. Jack asked Martin into his office while Sam headed to the bullpen to start writing up her report.

She was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn't even hear Martin approach. She felt a tap on her shoulder and spun around to see him standing behind her.

"Hey," he said as he sat on the edge of her desk.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"All things considered surprisingly well; he was pretty angry at my disobeying him but considering the fact that the outcome was good he said he could overlook it this time. However, while I'm not suspended I am going to be a desk jockey for two weeks." He smiled at her; both knowing that it was a mere slap on the wrist since by all technicalities Martin should not have been allowed on active duty at all since he had just returned from a long sabbatical and needed to be recertified.

She shook her head and gave him a bemused smile. "Come on, I'll buy you a drink and tell you the best way to kill time while you're stuck in the office."

"You got it," he answered merrily. They started walking out towards the elevator when he added, "You know, we never got to eat. Any chance I can talk you into buying me dinner too?"

"Don't push your luck," she replied cheekily.

A short fifteen minutes later they entered Joe's, the very same bar that he took her to when she was ordered to desk duty. They even managed to sit in the same booth which she took to be serendipitous considering how busy the bar was for a Thursday night. After giving their drink and dinner orders to their waitress Martin excused himself and headed to the men's room.

The waitress returned with their beers and told Sam that their burgers should be out in a few minutes. Sam pulled her beer glass closer to her and accidentally spilled some beer onto the table. She grabbed a few napkins and began wiping it up. She moved the now mushy napkin over the small engraved heart. She looked at the S and F carved into the wood and it occurred to her that the initials could stand for Spade and Fitzgerald. She wondered why she had never made that connection before.

"That was a first," Martin commented as he slid into the seat across from her. "I can't remember the last time I had to wait in line to use the men's room."

She piled the used napkins at the end of the table before raising her glass up in a mock cheer and said, "Welcome to my world."

He rolled his eyes at her as she took a drink before picked up his own pint. He lowered the glass, licked the foam off of his upper lip and said, "I'm glad you aren't still mad about earlier."

"I wasn't mad exactly," she replied as she ran a finger along her chilled beer glass. The warm weather caused a layer of condensation to appear and she wiped up a trickle of water droplets. "I was more scared than anything else. It was scary to think that you could possibly die for the third time in less than a year and a half."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think…" he said; his tone woefully soft. "I'm sorry, Sam."

She shook her head and hunched her shoulders trying to shake off the weight of what of what she just confessed. "It's okay, now. I'm just glad you and Andy are both alright."

"Yeah," he said; thankfully allowing her to steer the conversation in another direction.

She swallowed and asked, "What do you think is going to happen to him?"

Martin shrugged his shoulders. "I am going to head back to Jersey tomorrow and talk to him about spending more time at a clinic. He not only has to deal with the addiction aspect but I think he really needs some time to work through all of the emotional stuff he has gone through," Martin replied. "He has a long road ahead of him but I think eventually he is going to be okay as long as he works the program." Sam grinned and he looked at her skeptically. "What is it?"

"If someone had once told me that Martin Fitzgerald would be preaching the value of therapy I would have thought they were crazy."

He laughed softly. "Yeah, well, there are a lot of things about me that I never would have believed I would have been capable of."

Sam watched as he took a drink of his beer; his face looking regretful and even a bit angry. She leaned forward to meet his eyes and said, "Hey, why don't you apply some of that sympathy and confidence you have in Andy into yourself as well?"

He gave her a sheepish grin and said, "I guess it's just easier to have faith in someone else."

"Okay, then how about you recognizing that I have the same level, if not more, faith in you as you have in Andy," she said it with a voice full of determination and confidence. "So since you seem so sure that he is capable of more than he thinks I want you to know that I think the same thing about you."

"Thanks," he replied softly. "Sometimes I don't know what I would do without you."

She lifted her beer glass and said, "Right back at you."

Martin's glass clinked against hers and they shared a smile before each taking a drink. She waited until he had finished before deciding to just ask the question that had been on her mind since he came back. "You know, when we were talking earlier we were interrupted…" she trailed off hoping that he would pick up the hint.

"Yeah," he breathed. He checked his watch and smiled. "I guess one in the morning could count as later."

"I certainly think so."

"Okay," Martin took a deep breath and straightened up his posture. He looked like a school boy preparing to give a report in front of the glass; looking nervous and uncertain. She resisted the urge to giggle at his awkwardness. "I did a lot of thinking while I was at the clinic and I realized a few things."

"Such as?"

"I, uh," he paused and took another drink. "Wow, this is even harder than I expected."

She shifted and leaned in closer not wanting to miss a word. "Whatever it is, just say it. You can tell me anything."

He paused, licked his lips and said, "At the clinic I realized that, or rather, I finally accepted that…that I still have a lot of feelings for you; that I'm not over you." He stopped talking and blew out a breath. "I know that complicates a lot of things. We were finally getting our friendship back on track and this is the last thing you need to hear right now…"

Sam felt woozy as the blood in her veins rushed faster as her heart started pounding in her chest at hearing Martin's words and a laugh emitted from deep in her belly. Not because what he said was funny but just by the sheer joy she felt at knowing that he wanted her. Still. Unfortunately, he didn't know that was why she was laughing and a mortified expression appeared on his face. He leaned back against the worn vinyl seat and she quickly reached over to grab his hand before he ran out of the bar. "Martin, I feel the same way."

"You do?" he asked in what could only be described as awe.

"Yes," she replied.

He had a genuinely perplexed look on his face as he asked, "How? I mean it's been so long."

"I meant what I told you when you were in the hospital: I haven't dated anyone since you."

His voice was low and soft when he asked, "What about that guy in your apartment?"

She resisted the urge to slap him silly and said, "I told you: he is Kate's boyfriend. What? Did you think I was lying to you?"

Martin's face blushed pink. "Well, yeah"

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, I was in the hospital and I thought you were just trying to make me feel better; or at least not any worse."

"You're an idiot," she commented with annoyance. "If anything I should have told you that I was seeing someone else. Especially since you were the one who was advertising that you were single again. I know about all those phone calls from a bunch of women looking for a date." She hadn't meant for it to sound so accusatory but she was still upset about it after all these months.

He laughed and it just made her more upset. "Jamie and Allison did that. They created a profile for me on a dating service because they were sick of seeing me mope around after our breakup. I had them take it down as soon as I found out what they did."

She covered up her face with her hands and laughed. Once she caught her breath she pulled her hands away and said, "We make quite a pair don't we?"

"Yeah," he replied as his posture slackened as he started to feel more comfortable. "Maybe we should just say what we both want."

She nodded her head and replied, "I want to try again." She took a breath and asked, "What do you want, Martin?"

"I want to try again, too." he answered.

She stared into his blue eyes, a feeling tingling in her belly that she hadn't felt in a long time. "So what does this mean for us?"

He looked down at their hands resting on the wooden table and with a deflated look on his face said, "As Hamlet said, 'there's the rub.' Because as much as I want to try again with you Sam, I can't; at least not yet. I am…I am a recovering addict and I have no business getting into a relationship with anyone right now. There are so many other things I have to deal with first that I wouldn't be good for anyone."

"Oh yeah, if my memory serves I remember reading that the rules of NA stipulate that you are supposed to avoid personal relationships for at least a year," she replied as if she was reading from the NA handbook. When she was doing research on NA programs she read that but the implications of what it meant never seemed to penetrate her fantasies of reuniting with Martin.

"Yeah," Martin breathed. "Believe me, I tried looking for loopholes. I asked every counselor or NA member I could find hoping for a different answer. Hell, the internet searches alone…" He held out his fingers for her to see. "I have calluses from spending so much time online trying to find a website that said otherwise."

She laughed.

"So a year, huh?" she said with a hopeful smile on her face. "If we go by the date of your first NA meeting that means you are not allowed to date until March of next year." She tilted her head back and forth as if considering and said, "I'm pretty sure I'll be free March 25th."

He stared at her and asked, "What are you saying?"

Sam paused trying to decide to tell him how important he was to her. She reached over, gently played with his pinky finger and breathed, "I guess you could say I am willing to wait around while you figure out your problems."

End _Hurt_

To be continued in the epilogue


	25. Epilogue

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Epilogue

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_One year later…_

"Sorry we're late," Danny whispered as he and Elena scooted past Sam and him. "Did we miss anything?"

"The reading hasn't started yet," Martin quietly replied as he picked up the jacket he left on the seats that he was saving for them.

The area that Barnes and Noble had set aside for the first time author had filled up beyond anyone's expectations. It seemed that the excerpt in last month's issue of _The New Yorker _had created quite a buzz. He had to admit he was really excited about all the positive reviews Andy's autobiographical novel was receiving. The book had only been officially released this afternoon and Andy was already being heralded as "prolific" and "a living testimony to the resiliency of the human spirit."

Elena and Sam exchanged brief hello's as Elena took the seat right next to Martin while Danny sat in the next seat over; casually resting his arm on the back of her chair.

Scanning the crowded bookstore Danny asked, "Where's everybody else?"

"Jack and Viv are sitting with Noah and Andy's mom over there," Sam replied as she pointed to where the senior agents sat by a bookcase advertising employee recommendation. Jack seemed to be engrossed in a book with a dump truck on the cover while Viv chatted with Barbara Deaver. Noah sat at the end of the row chatting with some people in the row in front of them.

"Anne didn't come?" Danny asked with his gaze on the senior agents.

"She's got an infant at home," Elena interjected knowingly. "If she's lucky she's at home sleeping."

Martin smiled at Elena and asked, "So how are things over in White Collar?"

Elena turned her head to face Martin and replied, "It's funny you should ask because I just landed an old case of yours," Elena said in her thick accent as she proceeded to debrief him on the case.

A few months after Andy's case the powers above had cut the budget for the missing persons unit arguing that the money had to be allocated for homeland security issues. Fortunately, at that same time a position opened up in White Collar and Elena quickly submitted her transfer papers to work in the division that she had long coveted; an event that also coincided with her and Danny finally taking their relationship to the next level The two attractive agents seemed genuinely in love. They spent all their free time together and Danny eventually found his heart captured by two Latinas: Elena and her young daughter, Pilar.

A short while later Danny confessed to him that Elena was resistant to taking their relationship further not only out of wanting to protect her daughter from another failed relationship but she had vowed to never mix her professional life with her personal one. She had even used Martin and Sam as examples when Danny argued back that it was worth the risk, again using them as examples. He wished he could say he was surprised that he and Sam represented both the good and the bad part of office romance but accepted that in everything there is some bad and some good. Lately, however, there was a lot of good. Jack was even getting a reputation around the federal building as "SAC: Special Agent Cupid" because just by his hiring he had managed to make two love-connections in his unit. He took it in stride, even joking to Viv that if she hadn't been married already he might have found someone for her, too. Viv replied that if she ever gets sick of Marcus she'll be sure to let him know.

"Hey, no shop-talk," Danny interrupted. "This is supposed to be casual case-free night out."

Elena held her hands up in mock surrender and said, "Okay, no more work talk. Lo siento," she gave Danny a quick kiss before turning to look at Martin and whispering, "We'll talk tomorrow."

Martin nodded his head in agreement when he heard a scattering of applause. He looked over and saw an older man in his mid-fifties stand in front of the crowd thanking them for attending before introducing Andy. The audience applauded as Andy walked up to the podium. He looked nervous but in control. He smiled, pushed up his wire frame glasses with his index finger and began, "I would like to thank all of you for attending tonight. I am still in shock about all the interest in my novel. Thank you." There was more applause. "So, if you will indulge me, I would like to go ahead and read an excerpt from my novel and then afterwards we'll do the Q & A."

Andy took a deep breath, opened up his book that had tabs sticking out in various chapters and said, "Since _The New Yorker _was kind enough to publish my first chapter in last month's issue I am going to skip ahead to chapter 2." He cleared his throat and began, "The first time I met Special Agent Martin Fitzgerald was on one of the worst days of my life…."

Andy then proceeded to tell his own version of events of the day he was found in the cave; left by Spaulding to die. Sam reached over and held his hand; giving it a gentle squeeze. He turned to her and smiled; happy that they had finally seemed to get their relationship and lives back on track. It turned out they couldn't quite wait a full year; it seemed nine months was their limit. And it was the longest nine months of his life…

XXX

_It was New Year's Eve and Elena's small apartment was crammed tight with a mixture of federal agents, off-duty NYPD, and her own friends and family. The air in the apartment was filled with excitement and Martin couldn't help but hope that 2007 was going to be a better year than 2006. He stood in the kitchen hovering over a table that held more food than he had ever seen in his life. Every single member of Elena's family brought a dish and between the sopa, carne, and dishes that he didn't even attempt to pronounce but tasted delicious there were the postres. The postres were delicious desserts; pastries, cakes and cookies that he had to force himself to stop eating or risk a serious stomach ache. _

_He poured himself a glass of the vodka laced punch and stopped to chat with a few agents from Violent Crimes. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Agent Bartlett talking to Cassie from Accounting and judging by her super enthusiastic laugh there was something going on between them. Martin suddenly wondered where Sam had gone off to so he finished his punch and excused himself before heading into the living room. _

_He batted one of the slightly deflated balloons away when he spotted Mac headed his way. The young tech was wearing a black paper top hat with "Happy New Year" written across the front in gold glitter. Martin smiled and said, "Hey, man, how's it going?" _

_Mac had an anxious look on his face and said, "No time to chat. There's only ten minutes to go and I still haven't found anyone to kiss. Have you seen Cassie from Accounting?" _

"_Yeah, she's in the kitchen but..." he began. _

"_Thanks." Mac shoved couple of Party Poppers in his hand and hurried off before Martin could warn him that Cassie had already found her midnight kiss. _

_Chuckling at Mac's misfortune, he looked at the party favors he held in his hand. They were in the shape of mini plastic champagne bottles. To use them you aim the bottom away from you, pulled the string at the tip, and there is a loud snap and pop as confetti bursts out._

_Putting the favors into his jacket pocket, he headed out the fire escape to move up onto the roof where the rest of the party was being held. As soon as he reached the top he spotted Danny and Elena separated from the crowd and talking very intimately in the corner completely oblivious to everything going on around them. She was wearing a plastic glittery tiara that he plucked off of her head, placing it on his own. She was laughing as she adjusted it for him. Danny took advantage of the opportunity and pulled her close to kiss her. _

_Martin suddenly felt like a voyeur intruding upon someone else's intimate moment. So he turned away and continued moving around the crowded rooftop (just how many people did Elena invite?). As he walked a couple of women stopped him to hand him a plastic champagne glasses, warning him that it was five minutes to countdown to 2007. He thanked them and asked if he could have another one for his friend, Samantha. They begrudgingly handed him another before storming of without so much as a second glance. _

_He maneuvered through the mass of people before he finally spotted Sam on the other end of the roof talking with Enrique, Elena's youngest brother. Danny playfully referred to him as 'Mr. Rico Suave' because of his self-deluded perception of himself as a ladies man. His hair was slicked back and he always wore his shirt with the top three buttons undone to show off his thick nest of black hair that showcased the large gold chain that held his crucifix. _

_Martin watched as Enrique leaned in close to Sam, invading her personal space and tried to whisper something in her ear. She replied to his advances by giving him a tight, forced smile and taking a step back. Enrique clearly missed the hint and tried to move in closer so Sam held up her hand to keep him at a distance. She shook her head back and forth as she said something. Enrique finally admitted defeat and nodded his head before stepping back and away. He said something to Sam before turning and walking back to the crowd. _

_Martin might have felt jealous if he seriously thought Enrique was real competition but he was just a kid working his way to manhood. He passed the rejected suitor as he made his way to where Sam stood, drinking up the sight of her. She was wearing a light brown strapless dress that was tight on top and flared out at her hips. She wore her hair down in soft, loose curls and looked positively radiant. _

"_Hey," she greeted; still looking a little flustered by Enrique's unwelcome advances. _

"_Hey, heartbreaker," he replied as he handed her one of the glasses. _

"_I hate doing that," she commented. "I feel like such a bitch whenever I have to reject someone so forcefully but he was relentless." She sipped her sparkling wine and asked, "So where have you been?" _

"_Oh, you know, being a social butterfly and mingling." He waved his hand airily and continued, "I've been getting to know our fellow agents, making connections with local PD…" _

"_You mean you found the table with all the food," she interrupted with a wink. _

"_And eating so much that I think I am going to have to add another notch to my belt, yes." He laughed and turned to rest his forearms on the brick cement wall._

_Sam stood by his side, their shoulders barely touching. He took a deep breath and inhaled the soft scent of her perfume: Vera Wang Women. He could still picture the pale pink liquid in the bottle that sat on Sam's dresser. He conjured up an image of Sam spraying it on her wrists just before they dashed off to work, fearing they would be late because of the delays of trying to both get ready in her small bathroom. It was a memory that seemed simultaneously like yesterday and a lifetime ago. _

"_It's a beautiful night," Sam breathed as she stared out onto the luminous city lights. _

_Martin wanted to say something romantic or eloquent but instead he just muttered, "Yup." He glanced behind her and saw Enrique hitting on a short brunette. He chuckled and Sam followed his gaze to see what he was looking at. _

_She sighed. "I don't know if I should be offended or not that he has moved on so quickly."_

_He grinned and added, "She's just as substitute; a rebound. He's really devastated inside." _

_She eyed him disbelieving and said, "You're lying but thanks anyway." _

"_You can't blame the guy. It's New Year's Eve and there is a lot of pressure to find someone to kiss you at midnight or risk having a bad romantic year." He watched her as she laughed lightly. She smiled at him when he recognized the goose flesh on her skin. "Are you cold?" _

"_A little," she replied as she rubbed her hands of her arms. "I left my wrap downstairs." _

"_Here," he said as he started to take off his coat. _

_She shook her head and replied, "No, I don't want you to get cold too." _

"_I'll be fine," he argued. _

"_I know what we can do," she said. She stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. It took him a split second to recognize what she had done. He held his breath as he closed the jacket around her back, keeping her safe in warm in his arms. He could feel her fingers on his back as she asked, "Is this okay?" _

"_Yeah," he mumbled, overwhelmed at the sensation of her being in his arms. _

_With her head resting on his shoulders she whispered, "So what are we going to do?" _

"_What do you mean?" _

"_I mean, I know we agreed to not do anything until March 25th but if neither one of us gets a kiss at midnight we might jinx it," she answered, tilting her head back and meeting his eyes. "I don't want to upset your recovery but March is only three months away and the last thing either of us wants is to gamble on our reconciliation if neither one of us gets a kiss to ring in the new year." _

"_You make a good point," he replied. She was watching him with soft seductive eyes making his heart race rapidly in his chest. In the background he could hear the crowd of partygoers getting ready for the big countdown. Everyone was hustling around trying to position themselves in the best location to ensure a new year's kiss. "I mean, we don't want to take any unnecessary chances."_

"_Yeah," she breathed moving closer to him. _

_He watched her as he considered. The truth was it was hard to be so close to everyday and know she wanted him too but never be able to act on it. He had begun taking daily cold showers and his hand only offered the basest sort of release. He waged a mental war in his head. One the one hand it was ill advised to begin a relationship while still in the first year of recovery. On the other hand, this wasn't just any new relationship. It was THE most important one of his life and each day that he had to put off participating in it completely left him feeling empty inside. It was the knowledge that she was the light at the end of his tunnel that kept him going day after day. _

_He lowered his head to meet hers, feeling her breath on his face. "I think we should kiss. It's the responsible thing to do to make sure we keep our karma intact." _

_She smiled at him and replied, "Right, we'll do it for our karma."_

_In the background the crowd started shouting, "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…"_

_Martin leaned closer and pressed his lips against Sam's. Her lips were warm and soft. He remembered this, kissing Sam. It was unlike any other kiss he had ever experienced in his life and doing it again felt like coming home. _

_Somewhere in the background the countdown continued, "Five, four, three, two…one! Happy New Year!" There was thunderous applause as people hugged and kissed and popped the confetti party poppers. _

_But they didn't notice any of it. _

_She parted her lips and the kiss deepened. He gingerly cradled her face with one hand and held her tighter with the other. He knew this wasn't just a kiss for the sake of a kiss. This kiss held his life and heart and he wasn't about to let it end anytime soon, if ever. _

XXX

After that night they were officially back together – three months ahead of schedule. Martin didn't hide his decision from anyone. He told his sponsor, Gavin, who warned him to be cautious but seemed genuinely happy for him. The reaction from his group was mixed but they were mostly supportive; particularly given the fact that Sam seemed to the most constant thing in his life.

He looked over at Sam who was listening intently as Andy read aloud. He still couldn't believe that they were here, together. It was nothing like how it was the first time around. This time Sam was completely committed to making their relationship work. They didn't exactly advertise that they were together but she didn't insist on hiding it either. One night she also surprised him with tickets to see the Knicks; TV cameras and Jumbotron be damned. If he thought he loved her before it paled in comparison to how he felt today.

Martin was pulled out of his reverie by the thunderous applause marking the end of Andy's reading. He gave Sam's hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it so he could join in on the applause. He clapped so hard and loud that the palms of his hands began to sting.

Andy was blushing brightly as he thanked the audience and invited anyone to ask questions. Quite a few of the attendees raised their hands and Andy pointed to a woman near the front.

She looked about forty years old and had her hair pulled back into a tight bun. "It seems that Agent Fitzgerald played an important role in this book. Are you still in contact with him?"

Andy smiled and said, "Yes, we still keep in touch. We're friends." He paused and added, "In fact he is the one who inspired the title of my autobiography, _Nevermore. _I know many recognize it as being related to the Poe poem but it fits for my story. We had lunch at Edgar's once and he said that word to me, 'nevermore' and while I think he meant it as a joke; a lame one, but a joke nonetheless." Andy smiled and looked over at Martin so he knew he was teasing playfully. "It resonated with me. It's because of him I am learning to deal with my feelings, reaching out when I need help, realizing that sometimes it is okay to fail. He is the main reason that my hurt is nevermore."

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading. Honestly, thanks so very much. This fic was quite an ordeal to write since it was experimental for me; some parts worked and some did not. It did not help that my muse kept disappearing on me but what can you do? **

**And in keeping with my MO, the next post is a teaser for my next fic. **


	26. Teaser for next fic

A/N: This fic is a sequel to '_Til the Sky Turned Blue_. I know what some of you are thinking, "NO! We thought we were well shut of it!" and for that, I am sorry. I honestly had no choice. Every time my muse showed up she would tap me on the shoulder and ask, "So, how are Martin and Sam handling marriage and parenthood? What are their kids like? How about Danny and Emma? Does Emma's father still have issues with Danny? What about Viv? Does she like teaching at a university? How's her heart? Is Jack still dating Elaine? How's that going?" Believe me, I honestly did not think I would be back to my first fic but the questions were posed and now I must answer them. If it helps, I am going to do my very best to keep it to two books; three, tops.

TITLE: Red Sky (working title)

AUTHOR: Jennifoofighter

RATING: R

KEYWORDS: MS, D/OC, J/OC, VM, and friendship all around.

SPOILERS/TIMELINE: This is a sequel to my previous fic, 'Til the Sky Turned Blue

ARCHIVE: It will be posting simultaneously at and DISCLAIMER: Hank and Co. own everything _Without a Trace_. No copyright infringement is intended. Heaven knows if I had any control of the show I wouldn't have to write at all.

SUMMARY: Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning.

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Chapter 1

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"_Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet." - Jane Smith, 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith'_

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"I'll give you a thousand dollars if you get up," Martin mumbled into his pillow.

"We're married. Your money is my money," Sam replied, stifling a laugh as she rolled over and pulled the covers tighter. "Now, go see what's going on before she burns down the house."

The mattress dipped and rose as Martin got out of bed to inspect the suspicious noise coming out of Gracie's room. It was the kind of noise that didn't set off their federal training alarms but the parental one that told them their child was up to no good. Still grumbling he muttered, "I still don't know how I got stuck with the job of early wake-up patrol and noise inspection. I'm exhausted."

"You don't want to challenge me on exhaustion," Sam retorted. "I had to carry each one for nine months, push them out of my body, nurse them…"

Martin huffed and interrupted, "Are you going to use that excuse every time?"

"Yes," she replied definitively. "Besides, you should be the one to get up since it's you that they always ask for anyway."

Martin reached the door and mumbled, "One of these days I will get Gracie to confess that you taught her to ask for me."

"She's my daughter, she'll never rat me out," she replied as she glanced at the alarm clock that read: 12: 05 a.m. While part of her wondered what her 5-year old was doing up at this ungodly hour a bigger part of her just wanted one more hour of precious rest. So she clasped her eyes shut and tried to will herself back to sleep.

"Then I'll get the boy to do it," Martin said as he opened the door. "I know for a fact he accepts bribes. Two cookies and he'd rat out Barney."

She smiled knowing that he was right. At three-years old Nate was not only a certifiable cookie junkie but he was also the family tattle-tale. He never did it to be malicious; he was just a good, honest kid. Unlike his diabolical older sister who knew that his silence could be bought for a price; usually one involving chocolate chips.

She heard Martin walk down the hall and knock on Gracie's door before he opened it. She couldn't make out what he was saying but judging by his tone their girl wasn't up to too much mischief so Sam pulled the pillow over her head and prayed for sleep.

It didn't work because she was still wide awake when Martin returned a short while later. He slowly shuffled his way back to bed and she followed him with her eyes asking, "What was she doing?"

"Jumping on the bed smoking a cigarette," Martin replied as he crawled back into bed. "I told her to use an ashtray and keep it down; Daddy's trying to sleep."

Sam lifted her head and looked at him in disbelief. "What?"

"Relax. She's just excited about starting her first day of school. She was reorganizing her backpack – again," Martin replied with a yawn as he relaxed back into the bed. "I helped her put everything away and put her back to bed."

Sam rolled back over and curled up against him, tucking her head in the nook between his neck and shoulder. Her eyelids were heavy but there was no denying that she was awake. She could tell by Martin's breathing that he wasn't asleep yet either. "Can you believe she's starting kindergarten? It seems like just yesterday that we brought her home from the hospital."

"Mm-hmm," he mumbled as way of a reply.

Sam could still recall just how much Gracie weighed that day. Her arms still remembered the feeling of her little body bundled up in a blanket as she carried her carefully down the hall towards her room for the very first time.

XXX

_She watched as Martin hustled ahead of her to make sure the pathway was clear of any possible dangers. He would have carried her and the baby if she had asked. She moved slowly partly because of her need to be careful but also because she was still sore; feeling like she was stretched out and broken in a way she didn't think possible. She reached the door and Martin moved Milo aside so Sam could walk into the room. _

_They had decorated the nursery in pale green and blues and the furniture was rich honey oak color. Sam nervously walked Grace to her bassinet and carefully laid her down. _

_Martin tiptoed up behind her and whispered, "Now what do we do?"_

"_Well, according to all the baby books I am supposed to sleep whenever she does so I guess I should go take a nap." She said and Martin nodded his head in agreement although neither one of them made any move to leave. She looked down at her tiny sleeping daughter; small and perfect. Gracie's face was still pale pink and she worked her mouth in suckling motion as she slept. _

"_I can stay and watch her while you sleep," Martin offered. His gaze focused on the baby. _

"_Um, I don't know. I mean, we can't take turns watching her all the time. She has to sleep alone eventually." She leaned close and rested her head on his shoulder. She was completely drained and exhausted but she was also hesitant to leave Gracie alone. "Then again, maybe we should stick around for a little while." _

"_Okay," Martin replied. They stayed like that for a few minutes, just watching her sleep. Martin tilted his head toward hers and whispered, "Can you believe she is ours? I keep thinking all of this is a dream and I am going to wake up any minute." _

_Sam laughed and snaked her arm around his waist. "I just spent over 30 hours in labor. Believe me, it's no dream; this is very much real." _

_Martin put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him. He kissed her head and said, "You were incredible."_

_Sam looked down at Grace and replied, "Yeah, well she was worth it." She paused and added, "Of course, when she's older I am definitely going to remind her how much I went through to bring her into this world." _

_He laughed. "It's an excuse that has worked for mothers for centuries."_

_She felt Milo's tail brush against her leg and she looked down to see the big Labrador move to sit under Grace's crib. He walked around in circles before finally finding a good spot to lie down and go to sleep. Sam was about to comment but when she opened her mouth instead of words she yawned. _

"_Why don't we put you to bed too? Milo can stand guard." He clicked on the white baby monitor, grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to move her out of the room. "The baby monitor is on and we can hear everything from the bedroom." _

_She hated to leave but she knew that she needed to sleep now because Gracie was going to need to nurse again in two hours. They walked into their bedroom and Martin clicked on the other monitor as Sam lay down. He sat on the edge of the bed to make sure it was working. He gave her an unsure look and said, "It's quiet." _

"_She's sleeping," she replied. _

"_How do we know what to listen for? How do we know if it's working?"_

_Sam considered and said, "Go back to her room and say something into the monitor. I'll stay here and listen." _

"_Good idea," he replied as he walked out of the room. A few seconds later she heard Martin's voice on the monitor. "Testing, one, two, three." Martin poked his head in and asked, "Did you hear me?" _

"_Yeah, loud and clear," she answered._

_Satisfied they both laid down on the bed to nap. However, as tired as Sam was she could not seem to relax enough to sleep. She cracked open an eye and saw Martin's gaze focused on the nightstand where the baby monitor sat. She took a deep breath and exhaled hoping to calm her nerves but no luck. She scooted next to Martin and he shifted so they could both be comfortable. She wanted to sleep but she found that she kept trying to listen for any unusual sounds. Conceding defeat she raised herself up on her elbow, looked at Martin and said, "Maybe we should just bring her bassinet in here?" _

"_Good idea," he replied as he moved out from under her, hopped out of bed and over his shoulder added, "I'll be right back."_

_A few minutes later Martin rolled the small bassinet into their room with Milo in tow. He was pushing it slowly, doing his best to not wake the sleeping infant. He positioned it next to her side of the bed, checked to make sure Gracie was still asleep and then rejoined her on the bed. Milo moved to the corner of the room and plopped himself on his pillow bed and fell right back to sleep. _

Sam moved closer to the bassinet and lay on her side with one hand resting on the edge of the bassinet. Martin moved in to spoon her from behind, his own hand resting lightly over her hip. She closed her eyes and miraculously fell right to sleep.


End file.
